Facts Are Strictly Optional

Oh Sweet Jebus!!!

Divorce is Awkward

So Much to Catch Up On....

Well Shit! I'm a Victim -- or is it Violator -- of Osha!

So Yeah....I'm Not Here.

Washington is Waay Stressful Yo

It was Like That One Movie about the Cuban Missle Crisis, Only More Exciting...and it Pretty Much Ended in Two Hours...Which Is Better.

It's Like Lookin in a Mirror...Only at a Boy!!

The Saga of the Gift Continues....

Public Service Announcement....

Where the Hell Have you Been!?!?!?

I'm Sorry...It's WHAT Day???

What I Did on my Summer Vacation....Nothing...

I Had to Post This....It's not Mine, but it Should Have Been....

Some Things Never Change....

You Should All be Pissed at Josh....Because I Totally Am!!!

Spoiler Alert!!!

I've Been Busy!!!

A Surprising Reason I Need to Work....

Dear GSO,

Free At Last!!!!

Why Can't I Ever Think of Cool Stuff to Say!?

Dear GSO (the Final Edition),

It's Like Sudan WANTS Me to Mock It...

Can You Guys Keep a Secret???

HOLY CRAP!!!!! This is Totally Going to be a Bit Awkward....

It's Been a Big Week Damnitt! Don't you Judge Me!!

Dear Internet Pharmacist,

Explaining American Holidays ..or Maybe it was Irish....I'm Not Really Sure

Walking the Green Mile....

I'm Not Sure I've Mentioned this Yet....

Well SHIT! Now I Gots to Apologize....

Dear Anthropologie,

Finally! A More Useful Travel Warning for Sudan....

I was Swimmin with the Fishes, Yo!

Dear Anonymous,

Have I Mentioned that I Hate People??

Reason #2,342 Why I Might Not be as Cool as I Think I Am...or Why Josh is a Saint Yet Again...

And the Victims Keep Piling Up...

The Unknown Victims of it All....

And Then My Mommy Turned Against Me....

Et Tu Brute???

My New Medical Diagnosis...Part 73

How Did I Get Here....or How I Conned the Gov into Hiring Me for this Creepy Job....

We've Been Doing Some Travelin....

Well Now You're Just Being a Bitch....

New Plan - Currently Accepting Sponsors

Ummm...I'd Like a Refund Please!

Welcome, Mail Fairy!!!

Mulligan

Top 10 Reasons 2010 Sucks

Are You There God?? It's Me....Michel.....Again...

Reflections on 2009

Mom, Don't Read this Post...You Either Pastor Sharon....Or, Why Liz and I are Probably Not Going to Heaven Anytime Soon...

True(ish) Confessions

A Merry Eff-U Christmas.....

Dear US Embassy Doctor,

The One Where I Demand Your Sympathy.....

A Khartoum Christmas Party

Dear China,

The Joy of Christmas in Khartoum....Or, Why You Should Feel Sorry for Me and Send Me Cash to Make Me Feel Better

It's SOOO Brilliant, It Just Might Work!!!!

Some Little-Known, Hidden Dangers of Going on Vacation

Warning

I shit you not!!! I SAW DEAD PEOPLE!!!!

It Has Come to My Attention...

Scratchy = Healthy

Another Public Service Message: Driving in Sudan

So Josh is Here...

Why It's Important toTalk to your Internet Pharmacist!

US Government- Backed Conspiracy Theories....Or, Why I Scoff at your Nonsense...

Some(One Else's) Random Thoughts...

Define "Serving".....

God I Miss Milk Duds....

I Really Hope There Isn't Some Kinda Test Where They Review Your Ipod Tunes Library and Then Judge You Because I Just Realized I'm a Freak.

Dear GSO,

After All the Posts About How Sudan Sucks, Here is One About Why it Doesn't....

I Got Nothin!

The Year of the Dingo

OMG! My Lie Came TRUE!

Uggh

No, I'm Not Dead....

Okay, So It Is Apparently NOT Appropriate In the Workplace...

Oh Oh...

Damn You Mad Men!!

You'd Think They'd At Least Get a DJ...

Got Milk??

Obviously, I Just Can't Do It....

Dear Blogger,

Holy Crap!!

Damnitt! That was WINTER!?

SUDAN

2011-10-06T05:06:00.000+03:00

A number of people in the office have "encouraged" me to sign up for one of those online services that match you with a compatible person. I've literally now met three people who have married their online match.

So I went to the website. It told me I had to fill out this really long personality profile.
So I logged off the internet and went downstairs and watched Glee. Whatever, I'm pretty sure I can meet someone during one of my fits of road rage. It'll be fine.

My co-workers pointed out that I am not at my best at 0500 in morning traffic. So I went back online and filled out my personality profile. It told me I was 12% done and it wanted me to list my "passions..." So I listed how I'm "passionate about how I tend to hate other drivers. It told me to list some facts about what I wanted my potential matches to know about me. (Obviously, they didn't read my personality profile!!)

So I wrote about how I currently have 5 cats, 4 dogs, a parrot and 12 chickens in my home in Ashtuky, northern virginia and how I have been offered an exciting opportunity to interview for a television appearance on the show Animal Hoarders!!!

It told me I was 23% done.

WTF!? This is worse than the damn foreign service exam! So I logged off and went downstairs to watch the Biggest Loser (God that show is addicting! The really sad part is that I always want a snack when I watch it!! Is that wrong?)

The worker nazis sent me back to the website to "just finish it already!" and it was suggested that I not be flippant because not everyone will "get me' -- So I added JUST KIDDING! to it. Then it made me attach photos. Note to self: hire someone to be my photo double. This shit's humiliating.

So I hunkered down and after a mere 5 hours later, I was up and running and was delivered my matches!! I KNOW! RIGHT!?! It's very exciting!!! These people were hand selected by a random computer to be totally in line with my personality.

(Do you think it matters that I put down that I really loved helping others and was actively involved in the community, a people person who is also actively involved in environmental conservation??? -- Well, I DID watch that one NatGeo special where the polar bear was swimming trying to find another piece of ice and the narrator told me that I was killing the polar bears which made me feel really bad - so I always make sure I turn the lights off now. That counts. Right?)

SO ANYWAY, I open up my first match....says the dude is from Leesburg, VA (which is not that far!! So I'm all...hey! I could potentially think about one day traveling to leesburg...One problem though: the guy's picture is a LITTLE bit scary. He kinda has this creepy smile and he's all leaning to one side. BUT, (because I'm such a good person) I tell myself not to just judge by the photo....and I scroll down....

Basic Information

Circus Clown

I typically spend my leisure time: Getting naked and taking deep, calming breaths.

SWEET MARY MOTHER OF GOD!!!

So now I'm spending MY DAMN LEISURE TIME taking deep calming breaths and freaked out that the damn clown is going to find me!!!!

SERIOUSLY!? A clown -- who everybody knows is a godless killing machine -- is my perfect match??? That's my option?!

I'm TERRIFIED of effin clowns!!! -- It's probably because they tend to kill people - random people - people who don't even want to see any clowns. I'm pretty sure a clown killed my neighbor when I was young. Although she might have moved to Iowa, but I never heard from her again; obviously clowns got her.

I'm going to rethink my initial 5 cats, 8 dogs and 12 chickens option. It seems better somehow.

2011-10-03T04:57:00.000+03:00

First off, I totally promise this is not going to turn into a "I hate men" site, because I don't hate men. Well, I mean, I clearly hate some men. But then I hate women too. I'm an equal opportunity hater. Just to be fair, I'll keep this like it always was...where I pretty much just hate other people. (You know what you did.)

But you know what I really hate?? I hate it when people walk up to me, pat me on the shoulder and say, "How are you doing?" with this pitiful expectant look on their face. It's really awkward for me, I mean...there is a LOTTA pressure to feel heartbroken and bitter when you get dumped. My standard, "I'm fine. How are you?" is usually met with silence and then a "well, if you ever want to talk...." which is nice and all, but it's almost like people are disappointed if you're not walking around with puffy eyes and a handful of kleenex. Luckily, I am finally able to walk around sniffling with a handful of Kleenex -- unfortunately, it's because I have allergies - but for God's sake! Don't tell anyone...I think they're secretly relieved!

I choose to look at my glass as half-broken!! You know, so you can throw it out and buy a new one?? One that is all trendy and cool. NOW, I am finally free to fulfill my lifelong dream of marrying for money! You know, like they do in the movies...or in New Jersey. Like that!

Couple of small issues I have run into in my pursuit of this new dream:

1. Rich men aren't usually looking for non-supermodel women of a certain age... a number that will never be mentioned on this blog...

2. I don't know any rich men.

3. My friends don't know any rich men.

4. I'm too lazy to do stalking research to find out where the natural habitat of rich men is located and then go get a hunting permit.

Obviously, that dream is too hard. It has multiple steps. Probably not going to happen.

Liz is on the lookout for someone to set me up with, but so far she's come up with a trauma surgeon who works with her husband - but then the guy suspiciously deploys to one of the war zones for a year. Coincidence?? Then, she says her son's 9th grade teacher allegedly looks like George Clooney. So, after I confirmed this man does not intend to flee the country, she says, "But he might be married.... And he teaches Calculus."

WTF Liz!?!?! I can't even SPELL calculus and we all know I can't do math! I don't need that kind of pressure! What if he asks me out on a date and says we'll meet after work, but then he points out that he works in Vienna, so if he leaves work in his car at 5 pm going 43 miles per hour and has to stop for 3 tolls and will encounter 7 lights along the route, what time will we meet?

SHIT!?!?! There is no way to know that!!! I'm just going to end up showing up at his school and slashing his tires so I don't have to do anymore story problems. Then I'd have to flee the state and turn to a life of crime. Once again, I think we've shown that nothing good comes out of math. Nothing.

Oh, we should probably also confirm if he's married. That might be a problem too. I'm almost positive you can only have one wife in the USA. 96.7% sure.

Damnitt Liz....Can't you see my puffy eyes and handful of kleenex?!?! I'm obviously in a very vulnerable state! Or, my allergies are really acting up. Could go either way. We'll probably never know.

Whatever! I don't need a man! I have Dillon. I'll just get a few kitties (I'll name them scratchy, stabby, bitey and squeaker) and a box of cookies. It's all good.

Broken or whole, a cookie never rejects you.

2011-10-02T08:03:00.000+03:00

Wow, you stop posting for a little while and you miss SOOO much!!! (Yes, I do realize that I have not posted in over a year, but still...define "a little while".... it's obviously open to interpretation!!! )

-- I went through the comment moderation queue and apparently, this site is EXTREMELY helpful to a lotta people's college papers. I'm not really sure what it is they are studying, but I'm guessing they're probably not going to be that successful in today's job market after having graduated in whatever career training that could possibly be enriched by my rants -- but then, I fully admit that I haven't been to college in a long time and maybe it's all different now. Maybe people learn using examples of what NOT to do rather than math and stupid science like they made me do! Lame.

-- And if the comments are to be believed, this blog is also apparently very popular in China! And also with escort services. They totally like my work and leave a lot of comments. Little known fact, escort service workers are very loyal readers. We may have judged them too harshly. Clearly, I must have said something that would draw the escort services -- and their potential clients here. I'm like a match made in heaven for them. You are welcome!!! One guy asked if I could tell him how he could find an escort service in Israel, because he was headed there for vacation. Ummm...no...no I can't. However, I think you would have more success using google, rather than a blog - but that's just how I would find one if I were going to look for one in Israel. I mean, it's how I found the guy who's coming over to fix the trim on the house. Google. I highly recommend it!! So much more helpful (and timely) than I am.

-- One commenter, "Zack" is dismayed that I could potentially really be a USG employee representing the U.S. of A abroad -- in fact, he is disgusted that our government would let me work in it's hallowed ranks and can see why our government and the whole country is basically a mess. Although Zack has a point, I would just like to note that if Zack thinks this blog is what is wrong with our government and our country, I really have to recommend he branch out and do some other reading. However, after thinking about it for a while, I realized that Zack is right. This blog IS exactly why our country is a mess and our foreign policy is a total disaster. Zack is right. It was me. I have thought up every bad decision this country has ever made since 1997. My bad. Sorry America.

-- "Anonymous" thinks this blog is a poorly written rant and they couldn't even finish reading the post! I can only image they had to cover their mouth so they didn't throw up all over the key board while they scrolled down to the bottom to write their comment...oh wait. I'm rambling again. Anonymous is right. Damnitt! Now I'm never going to help anyone's college paper! NOW WHAT!?!

Shit.

Other than that, I've been working, driving to work, then working, then my husband asked for a divorce, so I wallowed in self pity while I was working getting stuck in traffic, working, hating working, working and then last weekend -- I had to work. Yeah. It's been a sucky year. You should be thankful I wasn't here blathering on about THAT... Zack would have been outraged!!!

2010-09-23T06:34:00.001+03:00

Okay, so I'm back...returned last week! I feel like I was on a three hour tour -- ergo, I packed for two weeks and by week SEVEN during Ramadan in Kuwait -- I was ready to poke my eyeballs out with Bamboo shoots!   Plus, let's just say...I think the entire Embassy was READY for me to leave...NOT because they would ask me daily when I was leaving -- I'm sure they were just curious -- but because I distinctly think that the lady with the brown hair the Embassy burned in Effigy at that last happy hour looked DISTINCTLY like me ...and after the week of what appeared to be voodoo barbie dolls with pins in their head left on my desk during my last week there gave me the "impression" that maybe they were as ready for me to go as I was...ANYWAY...it's over.   Let's just leave it at: "Kuwait during Ramadan at the end of Summer" is a-CLOSE-ED for Michel...

HOWEVER, I'm have a little bit of trouble adjusting to working and living in the US too! Why, you ask?? WELL, I'll tell you:

So, I'm at work..pretending to work for literally 8s of hours of a day after I get back...right? (FYI, if you're not a literature major, let me just assist you here - I'M the protagonist in this story..the VICTIM, if you will...) So I am trying to HELP others after I get back, right??

I'm from the Government: I'm here to help!!

And I realize that my office is totally not feng shui - and it is bringing down my Chee -- or maybe my cheech -- or even my chong -- so I call in Dana and ask for her "professional' advice on decorating....(She's in her 20s, ergo, an expert!) and we both come to the obvious conclusion that my furnture needs to be moved.

SOOOO, I send an email to the secretary to let them know that I think i need to move my furniture -- you know, kind of like when law offices publish notices in the paper that they're about to file a lawsuit and you better step up if you wanna be part of the team -- I'm not a TOTAL idiot....(okay, yes...yes, I am)

So I give it at least threes of days for the elves to show up and move my furniture (NOBODY shows...Apparently GSO is in charge of this shit too and have likely received my previous "DEAR GSO" letters...and, also apparently, don't share my sense of humor...WHATEVEs...that shit was funny!)   SOOO, since I'm not a prima donna and am too lazy to write yet another email to the secretary - Dana and I decide we're moving that shit on our OWN! We don't need no stupid GSO to help us!!

(those of you who have experience with Federal office buildings are likely screaming, NOOOOOOOOOOO!)

So, we start trying to move furniture.

Turns out, my office is furnished with some sort of fake cherrywood that needed to be screwed together. ALSO turns out, no diplomats carry screwdrivers around with them...SO, we call the Washington version of GSO. I say, "HI! This is Michel....(trying to lull them into a false sense of security with my cheery-ness) my secretary called you a few weeks ago to ask you to move my furniture....and well...It seems to be bolted together.. I need some sort of tool to get it apart. It's kinda big..." (HINT HINT...get your ass up here and move this shit!!)

So this large burley -- constructioney looking man brings me a screwdriver....and then leaves.

Whatever GSO! Who needs you freaks!! How hard can it be??!?!

We couldn't get the screws undone.

So I went to get some of the guys in the office. However, and this may shock you - so once again prepare yourselves -- State Department men are ALSO not NavySeal type guys - they're more brainey-like...(which, frankly, when you're moving furniture - NOT SO HELPFUL!!) However, we find someone to unscrew my screws.

Because he's a smarty-pants, he points out that he doesn't think I'm allowed to move my computer by myself. So in an effort to be CORPORATE and a good federal employee (for a change) I call the computer mafia and tell them I need to move my computer and asked whether they actually NEEDED to be there.

Extended silence on the line.

"When are you planning to move your computer?"

"What? now! That's why I'm calling you?"
"NOW!? Did you say NOW!? WHO IS THIS? What office are you with?? Who gave you permission!?"

"Obama"

"Do you think this is funny?"
"Well, kinda...."

"WHEN is this move?"

"NOW! That's why I'm calling you!! Geez! If you don't want to do it, I can totally move it. The cord seems like it's long enough.   I have a screwdriver. Whateves...It's no biggidy?"

Extended silence.

"where are you?"

So I hang up - and bitch about how unhelpful the "help desk" is. They really shoud change their name to the "random accusation desk!' -- SHIT !Now that I've renamed it, I could totally run that place!!! I throw out random accusations all the time!!!!

SOO, Dana and I start moving furniture...and -- because I'm a responsible manager -- I get a plastic cup to keep all the screws from the desk in...and we turn around...

NO SHIT! There are literally no less than 17 people standing outside my office -- the ringleader is holding a clipboard!! And not just ANY random clipboard...a clipboard that has that protecitve metal coating...you know to protect their notes in the event of a fire and/or terrorist attack - his form I-407 is safe!!!

So the ringleader tells me he is from "facilities" and starts to lecture me on OSHA regulations and how I cannot possibly move my desk around because it would block the exit of the doorway for a disabled person.

Naturally, (because I'm an ass and can't control myself) I say: "that's okay, I don't hire disabled people here! they clog the exits in the event of a fire"

WHICH IS TOTALLY HILARIOUS! You gotta admit..... THAT SHIT IS FUNNY!

and he starts writing in his magic clipboard...

So now I'm scared...because SHIT! I don't have any PLI because who's gonna sue ME!? I'm a big ole nobody...but now the clipboard holds the key to my undoing....so in order to save myself..I'm like...

"DUDE! That was a joke. I'd totally hire a guy in a wheelchair...or crutches...even that scooter....I mean...he's not going to sit at my desk...OR SHE ...SHE is not going to sit at my desk and need to get out the door in the event of a fire...HE/SHE will make it...I've instructed the contractors that they're not REAL people and have to wait to confirm all us REAL fed workers are safe before they try to escape this asbestos ridden death trap...."

More writing in that damn clipboard.

WTF!?!?

So then I say..."ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT!?!?! ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPLY I WON'T FIT OUT THE DOOR?!?!"

CHECKMATE JACKASS!

So after a circa 2.7 minute lecture on Osha regulations and workplace safety (apparently, the furniture they buy will kill you if given the chance...seriously! don't relax in any federal building. the furniture is just waiting to take your ass out. I think it might be an al-Qa'ida sleeper credenza....just waiting...)

Soooo...by the end of the day, the "facilities" guys have informed me that they will return on Friday with a computer generated plan -- or mock terrorist training camp -- for my new office furniture -- apparently, nothing from the old furniture can stay -- it has to be up to the new codes....

WHICH MEANS....the facilities people will likely send a $14,239.98 bill to my boss for my "new furniture." And I'm going to have to explain how al-Qa'ida was behind this...

I JUST wanted to move my desk to the other side!!

SHIT. Maybe I should go overseas again!! I'm obviously not cut out for washington politics....

2010-08-02T19:44:00.000+03:00

Remember how I was saying that work was bringing me down because they kept expecting me to actually work while I was there?? How they kept asking me to DO stuff?? And how that is obviously totally unfair?

Well, I went ahead and took matters into my own hands!! I marched right in there into my new boss' office and I said, "NOW YOU LOOK HERE..." -- okay, so maybe I said something more like, "Hi Sir. Do you have a minute?" -- well, he had a minute. A minute to say, "Are you busy right now?" Which is CLEARLY a trap....much like when a girl asks , "Do these pants make me look fat?" (HINT JOSH: Correct answer: NO! Have you lost weight?) or "Notice anything different?" (HINT JOSH: my hair is likely 6 inches shorter than it was when you left that morning!!! SHEESH!)

Anyway, back to my point - so I -- being the experienced USG employee that I am -- immediately responded that I was extremely busy! But then I ruined it all by adding, "Why? Do you need something?" (I totally shouldn't have added that last part! When the hell am I going to learn to quit while I'm ahead).

He needed something.

So I'm currently in Kuwait. Remember how I said Sudan was hot?? Well, Kuwait is that same temperature (for those of you who don't recall my bitch-fest that was Sudan, the daily median temperature was equal to the surface of the sun) but then, because God obviously still hates me, he added 97% humidity...just to make it more fun.

So far, I have had minimal interaction with the locals -- which is probably why there has not yet been an international incident here ...but give it time...give it time.

Will post some pics (of the dirt and US fast food chains) that appears to be Kuwait City later. You know how I love to give you guys a feel for the culture and/or my hotel room. Whichever.

2010-07-27T12:09:00.000+03:00

So, remember how I was saying, Washington is soo great...how I love it and heart the USA sooo much??

I totally didn't count on having to WORK when I came back here. This stupid "work" is impacting my blog time and my rigorous schedule of really stupid meetings is sucking the life out of me. Plus, I come home and think I totally have to tell you guys about something really IMPORTANT -- like (for instance) TODAY -- when i'm sitting in this meeting and I notice a bowl of little mini-toblerones - and as the people are droning on and on AND ON -- usually using words I cannot understand and don't care to learn -- I study the assortment and notice that there are actually DARK chocolate toblerones....So now I'm thinking, not only is that shit potentially yummy, if my ability to pick and choose "facts" I read on the internet is correct -- that shit is also heart healthy. (Like my nightly serving of one bottle of red wine is...)

So then, it's really just a matter of me deciding to make a healthy choice. And I did it. Mostly because Josh is not there to call me on it. And nobody really seems to be paying attention to me. And the bowl is toward the back of the table where all the insignificant people sit -- but yet "LUCKY" to be there because my office is only allowed to send 2 people and I'm totally one of those people you guys...totally... that's how important-ey I am these days!! Or, I happened to be sitting at my desk when the guy who was going walked by... Either way.

Anyway, I rip open the dark chocolate toblerone and am immediately reminded why foreign candy is far, far inferior to American candy. The little triangle shapes. What the hell is that?? Those triangles are wasting precious chocolate surface area!! Then, after I take a bite, I remember that it has stupid chunks of honey in it. WTF is that?? Why the hell would you put chunks of honey in your chocolate??? (A) It's not yummy; and (B) It just gets all stuck on your teeth - because apparently european honey has takes on the same characteristics as super glue when mixed with chocolate.

So now I'm sitting in the back of the meeting picking my teeth - trying (in vain) to get the damn honey flecks off of my teeth, mentally preparing the excuse I intend to give the dentist for how I managed to pull a tooth out of my mouth trying to get the honey un-stuck -- cursing European candy makers -- and I notice that everyone is staring at me...waiting. Apparently, they've asked me to comment on something -- to which I obviously have not been listening...So, after I game it out and realize that I cannot fake an answer, like "well, you have a good point there...I'm not really sure..." because that only works if you have been tangentially listening to the conversation -- and I was utterly focused on my "healthy choice"... I have to admit that I was distracted by the candy.

Let's just say they were not amused.

So long story short - once again Europe has managed to eff up US diplomacy.

And the reason I have not been posting is because I come home and open the computer -- only to immediately get this:

Seriously! Look at that little face!?! Who can resist that!?

2010-07-16T05:37:00.001+03:00

Okay, so today I sat through a 2.5 hour meeting -- which normally would put me over the edge and force me to verbally abuse the office intern for not knowing in advance that they should be on standby to interrupt any meeting where I might potentially be getting bored -- But I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL THEM when they need to show up.

It's an internship!! There is a reason we don't pay you -- because you could probably sue me.

Anyway, so this meeting was like edge of your seat diplomacy!!! There was action, there was adventure..there were donuts.   Everything you need to brew up some sort of international incident. HOWEVER, this time it was not an incident of my making....although I fully admit that I did add to the issue - just a little bit, mind you.

Okay, so NO SHIT! There we were. Sitting in the most importanty of importanty conference rooms (that I'm allowed to use) for what will undoubtedly be the most crucial meeting of the year (for our intern). So a team of crack diplomats from Team America (USA! USA!) are meeting with an unnamed (you have to wait for the movie) foreigners talking about issues that are on the cutting edge of our national policy and/or security!!! (I'm not trying to be coy with that one -- I just honestly wasn't paying attention and have no idea why we were meeting with these people....)

So, naturally, because I'm a "seasoned leader" I realized that I am likely not qualified to actually speak for the USG in an official capacity -- So I ensured that the smart people were there to answer the questions after I finished pontificating.   (Which, FYI, is not as fun when you have to stop every 2 sentences to allow the translator to tell them what you're saying - and inevitably, the senior visitor from their side will need time to pontificate....let's just say..it's PAINFUL!)

So we're about halfway through the meeting and I am mentally congratulating myself for yet another international incident free day when the translator asks the Big Wig Foreigner (BWF) for clarification on what he means. SUDDENLY, one of the USG smarty-pants leans in to clarify what he thinks the foreigner means (because that is always helpful! Almost like when we lecture them on their culture and stuff...) and -- as if in slow-motion footage -- he lets out the most horrendous fart!!

I dont' even know how to describe it. It started as kind of a high pitched whine and then ended with what sounded like rapid gunfire -- but only echo-ey (because we're in the big, marble, importanty conference room.   In the initial moments following the incident, the room was eerily silent -- as we all sat there wondering what the hell we were supposed to do now?

I mean, the international diplomacy handbook did not cover this type of situation, and I gotta be honest -- I was SERIOUSLY DYING. I was literally experiencing physical pain trying to not only hold it together and not burst out laughing (because honestly...is there EVER a time when a fart is not funny?? EVER?? I submit to you, there is NOT!), but I was also trying to stop my body from erupting into the internal-hold-in-your-laughter convulsions. In fact, I think I might have actually hurt myself -- my throat is STILL sore.

Anyway, following the initial blast and horrified silence -- the translator looked around -- as if he were trying to determine whether he should translate that; AND, if so...how the hell do you say that in Arabic! The offender, whom we now call, "Gassy McPoopshispants" just kinda smirked and shrugged -- although he might have apologized, but i had to rapidly look away in order to control my impending outburst.

As I'm searching the room for somewhere to look -- the more junior members of the foreign delegation looked down at their notebooks, clearly a victim of the diplomatic shock and awe campaign. However, the senior official looked me straight in the eye, cocked his head, and lifted one brow. I gotta admit...at that point, I almost lost it.

Well played, foreign man...well played.

So I stared at the donuts in order to salvage any semblance of maturity left in me...And then I totally noticed that there was only one chocolate cream filled kind left. And I could tell the intern was eyeing it. THIS SOBERED ME RIGHT UP..and quickly!!

Distracted, I was able to move through the incident...however, after I finished my chocolate donut (ha HA intern!!) my glance fell upon the perpetrator of the incident. We made eye contact. It all came back....

In what was obviously a flash of genius, I interrupted the proceedings to suggest a "smoke break" (foreigners like to smoke -- Thank GOD!) and the entire entourage leaped up and headed for the elevator.

As the doors closed, we all turned as one and looked at the perpetrator... and literally, lost it! At one point, I put my head down on the table and cried -- I was laughing that hard!!!

Eventually, the foreigners returned and they calmly resumed the meeting.

My only regret: I should have sent the translator withthem so he could tell us how hard THEY were laughing once they managed to get away from us.

However, rest assured, I have once again ensured that the US of A is safe for democracy!

2010-07-14T13:12:00.000+03:00

So yesterday, I met a kindred spirit. It was like I was looking at me...only in boy form. If I were a boy...and not chubby...and could do math...and thought that exercise was fun...and wanted to come to work...and cared about my work...you know, TOTALLY JUST LIKE me! Who is this paragon of virtue you ask?

I have no idea. He said his name, but I wasn't listening. He works somewhere for the government, not sure what he does, but he did talk about his work (but again, not listening...HELLO! Please stop making me repeat myself!). Anyway, this guy was in one of the 72 super important meetings I attend on a daily basis here in Washington -- the heartbeat of the Nation...I'm like super clued in these days (well, technically, I would be if I actually (a) cared; and/or (b) paid attention rather than doodled "bored..bored....bored....bored..." on my notebook the whole time...)

Anyway, this happened to be a LUNCH meeting. Which is super rare here in DC because the government won't allow you to pay for lunch if you're just meeting with other government people -- you see we don't TOTALLY waste taxpayer money -- anyway, so lunch drags on and on while people in the room pontificate (usually about themselves, which normally I would back - but it wasn't about ME or anyone I knew -- so it was totally boring)...and this guy is sitting across the table from me. And, much like my friend Paul, he couldn't seem to school his facial expressions: he would roll his eyes, nod, and at one point even put his head in his hands and sighed.

It was friggin awesome! He had no idea that people could SEE him. I was totally entertained.

However, (and this is where the drama comes in) the alloted time for this super important meeting was almost at an end...and the dessert was just sitting there...staring at me...untouched. NOBODY would shut the hell up so that I could go get the cake.

So I start fidgeting in my seat, casting furtive glances over at it's chocolatey goodness. And I notice, that HE is also gazing at the cake and starting to fidget in his seat. However, this guy does me one better. He INTERRUPTS the current pontificator and says, "Should we continue this after we all get some cake??" (Naturally, I nod in agreement....as do some of the others -- but I think it was out of boredom. They didn't love cake. They just wanted an excuse to stop paying attention. I could totally tell. )

So the pontificatee says, "Yes. Of course. We should..." THEN HE CONTINUES EFFIN TALKING.

My new best friend was obviously outraged (and rightly so)! And he sits there for a minute, looks around the room, let's out a definite disgusted snort, and stands up to go get some cake with a muttered, "WHATEVER! I'm getting cake." Naturally, his brave act of heroism allowed others (like myself) to make a beeline for the cake. while the pompous ass continued to talk. (Seriously dude, I don't think he even realized and/or cared that nobody was listening. WTF!?)

When the meeting adjorned. I walked up to my new best friend, pointed at him, and said..."I like you. You got style."

So my point is: (a) there ARE good people left in Washington; and (b) cake is friggin yummy.

2010-07-10T03:14:00.000+03:00

So apparently, we have an ENTIRE STAFF devoted to this damn gift issue. And also apparently, that entire staff has devoted their entire lives to making my life a living hell. Mark my words Protocol...I'll find you....I'll figure out who you are and I will sneak in and giftwrap your damn cubicles with Care Bear wrapping paper -- OH YES! I swear I still have a roll of that crap from when my (now married and fully grown) niece was young....(She liked rainbow bear.)

Do you guys remember that crap?? How the bear would stick out his tummy and a rainbow would fly out of his belly button and fight evil?? Seriously...if you were evil, you'd never see that coming. It's BRILLIANT!! Although, now that I think about it - what the hell does a rainbow do and how could it really fight crime? Unless of course, the rainbow flew out at the guy, but left a pot of gold behind - then there would be no need for him to turn to a life of crime...he'd have a pot of gold. SHIT! I wish Rainbow Bright Bear would show up at my house...I'm not adverse to turning to a life of crime!!!

ANYWAY, what was I talking about?? Oh yes! PROTOCOL. So it seems that the Judgey McJudy's in Protocol are "concerned" that because the gift option that we selected seemed a "bit cheap" and they wanted to ensure that the individual who would be presenting this "gift" (they totally effin used QUOTES around the word "gift" in their email to me..) would not be embarrassed when it was opened.... WTF PROTOCOL!!!

You'd think I sent up a picture of a kleenex box cover I crocheted in the shape of a doll's skirt and then plopped a creepy doll head on top -- Although, now that I think of it, I might actually do that next week because that shit would be FUNNY! I'd write a long paragraph on how the King learned to crochet as a child when he worked in a doll factory back in the days of yore, when an evil dictator was in power. One day, while he burned random kleenex boxes for heat, one of the dolls came to life and told him that a Chubby Bear wearing the mark of the clover would arrive with his band of baby-talking belly busters and they would help him liberate his Kingdom. She then told him she really loved the skirt he made and disappeared. After he assumed the throne (with the assistance of the Care Bear Bunch), he vowed to always keep the kleenex Kozy near and dear to his heart.

You know they'd sit there and go, "Is she shitting us?? Is that true?" Then they'd send down a request for the King's bio....

That's just more work for me. Nevermind.

But my issue is this: now, I'm torn! Do I hate these people?? Or, do I actually respect that they are bitchy enough to send me a note and call me out on my laziness!? (Seriously, the subtext of the email was...we know you told the intern to google some random gift idea five minutes before the submission was due and then fwd'd that up like you'd actually thought about it....) WHERE DO THEY COME UP WITH THIS CRAZY TALK?

No. You're right. I hate them. I've always hated them....long before they ever hated me!!!

This isn't over Protocol!

2010-07-07T02:48:00.000+03:00

So you know how I mentioned that I hated working?? (And frankly, I'm starting to think that work is beginning to realize that they might actually hate me equally as much...) Well, I decided that perhaps I should start thinking about other options -- you know, the option where I get a lotta money, but don't actually have to go to work?? That one... And, since none of you freaks have decided to give me millions of dollars, I'm forced to actually think about potential options.

So I went online to do comprehensive research on my potential options. However, I got distracted by a huge summer sale at Ann Taylor -- but I couldn't find the right shoes for the new outfit, so then I had to research black strappy summer shoes...

Now I not only have to identify my non-work option, but also the "second job to pay for the damn shoes you insist on buying" as was recently "suggested" by my loving husband...

And then it came to me: Powerball!!! I would simply win the powerball!!! It was so simple, it was BRILLIANT!!!

Turns out...Powerball is not the sure thing that I assumed it was....turns out, Powerball does NOT actually give you millions of dollars in exchange for a $1 ticket...In actuality, what I think happens, is you pay some random man in a convenience store $1 for a piece of paper with
some numbers written on it. However, -- and here is\ where I can see that the problem with my Powerball career begins -- that Man is not giving me the right numbers.

Worst part of this scam: When you go back to The Man and ask for a refund because he gave you the wrong numbers...be prepared for him to put on an act like he is all confused...and when I patiently explain where he has made a mistake....he has the nerve to get all snippy with me!

WTF POWERBALL!? Obviously, you don't care about customer service! See if I buy your piece of paper with worthless numbers again!!!

Eff U Quickie Mart Man!! Gimme my damn dollar back!! I suspect Quickie Mart Man is in cahoots with the Ice Nazi at the cafeteria at work.

They owe me $1.10. I'm not leaving until I get it back!!!

2010-07-05T03:20:00.000+03:00

What do you mean, where the hell have I been?? I asked you first!! PLUS, don't think I didn't notice that not a damn one of you chipped in and wrote this blog while I was out making the world safe for democracy (or watching all the TV I missed the entire year I was in Sudan...either way...) NONE of you bothered to help me out!

Helpful hint: Do you see what I did there?? I began with an accusation. You see...I find that if you just walk in and start yelling and throwing out random accusations, people forget to ask me to explain myself. Honestly, there's usually no explanation. Trust me. It's just better this way.

So, it seems it is now July. July 4th to be exact. There is something about that date that I was supposed to remember...it's killing me. Sounds sooo familiar. Nevermind. I'm sure it will come to me.

Anyway, I've started back to work after my vacation and I am actively making sure that freedom rings in this Kick-ass country....America, in case you were confused and thought maybe I liked your particular country that is not America. I don't. Your country honks. Don't ask me to explain. If you don't know...I am certainly not going to tell you...

How do I do this you ask?? What is my contribution??

Apparently, I ensure that the precise gift that would be given by our fearless leaders to other (but likely more fearful) world leaders is PERFECT. I continue to bolster the foundations of democracy so that it remains strong, apparently by ensuring that the appropriate gift wrap is used (Presidents don't like flowers or kittens) and that (**gasp**) no damn tape is showing. (Obviously, the feds have never sent anyone to inspect the shit under my Christmas tree -- because I'm SERIOUSLY not qualified for that!) Since I have returned, the focus of my life seems to be ensuring that random members of the world's monarchy are given a gift that is meaningful, but with no tacky scotch tape showing. (Nothing says third world trailer park like tape just slapped on the outside of a present...)

Ridiculous, right?? EXACTLY! That is what I thought too...however, apparently the State Department does not appreciate my opinions.

I guess I have also done some other things since I returned. But I forget them now.

And, they totally make me pretend to work here for the entire day too! Which, frankly, is shocking! For some reason, I had this vision of living in the USA as a utopia, where people don't actually care if I come to work, but would just pay me and be happy that I was back home.

They weren't.

WTF America?? Land of the free my ass! Since I've been back, I've been charged for EVERYTHING. In fact, that foreign lady in the cafeteria charged me 10 cents for a stupid cup of ice. (I officially hate that lady and her ice-nazi ways!)

The real issue here is obvious though. Josh won't let me be me...and the only way I can really be me, is if I didn't have to go to work and pretend to be that other me, the one who lied on her resume to get the job in the first place -- I mean seriously, I don't have any hobbies or outside interests!!! Why the hell would anyone believe I was a "soccer" and/or "martial arts" enthusiast?!? If they fell for that, they're just dumb.

Suckahs!!! I'm a federal "worker." Clearly, God is teaching them a lesson right now...

2010-05-26T23:40:00.000+03:00

Ummm.... it has come to my attention that I am going to have to go back to work next week. WTF....NEXT WEEK!? I thought I was going to have a LONG vacation?? What happened to my long vacation???

I had a big long list of shit I wanted to do while I was on vacation and -- ahem -- let's just say I didn't get to a few of them:

Write Thank You notes to everyone who sent me crap while we were in Khartoum (and I was using the "we can't send mail out from Khartoum" excuse) WHAT!? You don't know that's not true!? Well, technically I could have sent LETTER mail, but I didn't have any damn stamps! Stop judging me!!! GEEZ Judgey McJuderson! Lay off! I was going to do it, but now I can't really remember who sent me what, or pretty much anything about Khartoum in fact...it's all a blur...not my fault.
Brush up on my French -- or, as I like to call it: Learn it (again).
Teach Dillon Obedience. Not really sure why I even bothered to write that one down. I think we all know that Dillon can have whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. The boy pretty much has me trained...(although I'm not sure he's feeling comfortable in his new home. It's like he needs to find a place of his own -- where he can stretch out and just relax. I should buy him his own couch...He really shouldn't have to share with Josh.
Write my memoirs and become rich and famous -- However, I figured out I would have to actually remember shit to write actual memoirs...and then I would actually have to WRITE them. That sounds like a lotta steps man....It's just not gonna work.
Eat and Drink in Moderation -- Let's face it: toilet brush and rug are enablers. It's like they want me to fail!
Become Addicted to Exercise -- you know how they say that if you do something for two weeks, it becomes habit and you will NEED to do it?? They're liars. Bastards.
Create a Financial Plan and Monthly Budget. Apparently, you're not supposed to just spend money until the bank calls you and tells you to knock it the hell off...Seriously? Someone really should have said something sooner. I blame society.
Lose 10 15 20 -- oh, who are we kidding -- 30 pounds. Damn you acaiaiaieieio berry! LAZY!

Actually, I don't have enough time (or the will) to do any of the above...however, I'm not a total loser....I'll just make a new list. A BETTER list...one that I can accomplish:

Buy the same pair of pants at Eastern Mountain Sports as you did at REI (because you forgotted and I think we all know they're totally cute -- and they dry fast too. Obviously, you need two...) Done!
Watch a Law & Order Marathon (daily). Done!!
Brush up on current Reality TV shows to ensure you can gab with the cool kids once you get to the office (Biggest Loser - OMFG...how the hell can a person lose that much weight in 7 months?? By leaving it laying around DAMNITT! that's how....because obviously, I found it!!!) Done!!!
Sit and stare at the treadmill. Think to yourself..."I should really just get on that damn thing...In fact, if I simply walked while I watched this Law & Order Marathon I could probably do some good...maybe lose some weight" -- FYI, That totally would have been cool if I had done it...in my defense...I did think about it...a lot... Done!
Take Dillon to PetSmart so often that the cashiers call you "dude" and Dillon "little Dude." Done!

2010-05-23T16:21:00.000+03:00

Okay, so I decided I should probably leave the house at some point during my month at home. Mostly because I have nothing to say when I sit on the couch and watch TV -- and, I'm becoming scarily addicted to the stupid reality TV shows like Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, and The Biggest Loser. (Although, I was really sad to hear that Law and Order is going off the air....WTF!? (It is the best TV show EVER - SHUT UP BLOGNUT! It is! You're just jealous.)

What the hell is Jack McCoy supposed to do now?? You can't just throw him out at his age!? How is he supposed to find work in this economy? We should start some sort of a fund to help him during his retirement....his Ameritrade commercials can't possibly sustain him -- nobody even really knows what that does, they can't possibly provide health insurance for him...) Then, I also found some show on TNT (When I was searching for Law and Order re-runs) called Supernatural and it scared the bejebus out of me....but I couldn't seem to turn the channel because I needed closure - what if that shit is still out there?? And then a second episode starts while the credits are running and I'm still recovering from the first one and BAM! I'm sucked in again. Next thing I know, it's 4:00 and I haven't gotten out of my pjs....

Vacation is bliss. Pure bliss. The fact that I'm not bored is a testament to the people in my head, frankly. Or, I'm just pure lazy. Either way.

YOU SEE!? The above is exactly why I had to exit this house. And that's when I made a crucial discovery: Have you ever noticed that Mormons are ridiculously good looking?? Seriously. Stop for a minute and think about it. They're damn pretty people. If someone looks all happy, healthy and American-like...they're probably Mormon.

Frankly, that pisses me off. Is it just good genes? Or, did being Mormon make them pretty? Why can't Catholics be that pretty?? And, if this issue is as easy to spot as I think it was (it took me like 4 minutes) then why the hell didn't my mom make me Mormon?? I know the whole competing faith premise thing, but damnitt! I could have used a little bit of that prettiness in high school. SELFISH mother!!

Anyway, that was just my first day outside. That night, we went out to dinner and drinks for a friend's birthday and once again I ended up back inside with my best friends toilet brush and rug for the entire next day, listening to Josh lecture me on why my old-ass body doesn't want me to drink and maybe I should have listened to him when he told me I should not have that 12th glass of wine and that just because we now live within walking distance of the bars and restaurants does not mean I have to get our money's worth by getting rip roaring drunk. (However, I contend that I am being fiscally responsible. We would not have known how crucial and cool it is to be able to walk to places if I did not prove the theory for us. Josh needs to recall that he did not have to remain sober while I did our social experiment. That, my dearest, is reason enough to thank me! It's almost like I'm a saint. Josh is seriously lucky! He should write that down...)

Maybe I should just stay inside for a little bit more. You see, we really should build to full integration. I've lost my ability to drink/eat in moderation and tend to forget that people can actually hear me after I have been drinking, that I am not, in fact, in a bubble.

Who knew?!

When does the next Law and Order Marathon start??

2010-05-20T22:59:00.000+03:00

In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant... Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories (you know who you are).

2010-05-19T17:40:00.000+03:00

Yep...It's official. Josh was right. I'm bat shit crazy.... It's like when you finally acknowledge that you have a problem (usually after you hit rock bottom). For me, it was this weekend. This weekend, I had to face reality: I'm one of those crazy dog people. I'm literally that person. I'm that freak you see walking around in public with dog hair on their shirts, but they don't seem to notice. The lady who buys the furminator and who lobbied for over 15 minutes in REI that we needed to buy the little boots for the dog before the camping trip because he'd be walking over rocks and stuff (WHAT!? I stand behind that one!!! That shit hurts your feet!!!) (Don't panic. I lost that one. We are a dog-bootieless family.)

Anyway, for those of you who have not read this blog since the beginning, I will briefly recap. (Those of you non-lazy people who know the history can go get a snack and come back later. ) Okay, so prior to our departure for Khartoum I found out that we couldn't take the dogs on the plane -- Kernel was too big for accompanying baggage and cargo into Sudan is not an option if you want your pet to actually live through the trip....and we found out not long after, that Sudan associated swine-flu with domestic dogs, so Jack couldn't make it either. Long story short, I found them both a home with a retired fireman who lives on 10 acres. My city-raised boys didn't know what hit them! Fast forward to our return - and I go out to visit the boys....they're all very happy. The guy who adopted them is all alone and obviously loves them (well, who wouldn't?! My babies rock!) and we didn't want to take them away from him. (Plus, the condo only allows you to have one baby - so it would be like Sophie's Choice....) SOOOO, we were going to be dogless.

But obviously (since I'm bat shit crazy...focus people!) I cannot be dogless. So we rescued a puppy from the Friends of Homeless Animals. After approximately 2 weeks of interviews (let's just say I'm not the only bat-shit crazy dog freak around the DC area...) we brought little Dillon home.

Okay, so those of you getting a snack - you need to come back now (did you bring me a snack?! WTF!? HATEFUL!)...this is new and exciting info...okay, more new than exciting and probably not really "exciting" per se, more along the lines of I'm obviously going to have to go back to work and/or outside of the house if I want to find anything exciting to ever talk about again....ANYWAY, we went camping this weekend (because I'm outdoorsey like that...and I got some new REI pants that dry within seconds, so I totally had to test them out!) and we brought Baby Dillon. NOW, how am I so sure that I am bat shit crazy you ask??

Almost every picture I took of our camping trip is of Dillon or our friends' dogs, Dexter and Piper. There were FOUR people on this trip. I don't think I have 4 photos of people. SOO, since I went to the trouble of taking 792 pictures of the dogs - I figured I should share them with you. And yes, I do know that I am crazy.

Whatever....

Meet Dillon....

That's Dillon's nose...

And Dillon's friends...

Just in case you wondered why it was you don't drink water right out of stream...because Dillon is still mastering the "Potty outisde" issue...he still needs some clarification...

And finally, this is Josh participating in the "Mc'Lympics" we hosted during our camping trip. (We lost. He sucks.)

sooo, now that we're all on the same page and I'm currently unemployed(ish) and living on my couch...and because I'm still working on my masterpiece that outlines why "The Biggest Loser" is the most addicting TV show of all time (and yet, I still want a snack when I watch it), you'll just have to content yourself with 792 pictures of Dillon. However, don't worry. I won't turn this into a Dillon blog.

Pictures of my visit to Jack and Kernel are coming next week.

2010-05-15T07:04:00.000+03:00

So today, I had to go to the doctor to get a CT scan of my snotty nose -- the doc claims I am not allergic to anything and when I questioned her medical degree -- technically, I asked her if she was WebMD certifiied (like myself) and then pointed out that the Kleenex company sends me Christmas and birthday cards...Therefore, something is not "normal," and maybe she should climb up offa that prescription pad and dole me out some medical advice...I mean, would it KILL you to give me some damn adderall????

(YES mother...I am well aware that Adderall does not cure a snotty nose...I didn't attend literally 3s of hours of internet medical school on webmd for nothing!? HOWEVER, if that ho is going to sit there and tell me that I am not allergic to anything, but then have the nerve to pass me a kleenex box - the bitz better be giving me somethin'...AND, I kinda think that it might help me in my quest to fit into my pants...that's the rumor on the street...)

ANYWAY, so Josh comes home from language class and decides he and Dillon (the dog) are going to go with me to the doc - so I'm thinking, "how sweet is that!? He's worried about me!!"
So he drops me off.

I spend 30 minutes filling out forms -- mostly checking the box "no" for have you ever had ebola, but then adding parenthesis to explain that I might have had Ebola. but that I had diagnosed it myself on webMd one night after a dinner at some random Sudanese man's house. I feel they should know this option, because if it wasn't ebola - it was a brain tumor. Or maybe stomach cancer. Or gas. We'll never know...

I finally emerge after my CT scan and wait for Josh and Dillon to come pick me up...I mean, I just underwent a serious medical procedure...

And I waited....

Then I waited some more....

Then off in the distance I see Josh arriving. They pull up. I get into the car, expecting to be quizzed on how it went - did I think I would live...how many days did they give me before the end....

Josh was finishing an ice cream cone. Dillon had ice cream breath and sticky shit all over his nose.

They didn't bring me one. Dillon at least had the decency to look guilty. Josh pointed out that ice cream was not on my diet.

.WTF Joshua!?! The DOG gets an ice cream cone...but not me!???

Obviously, my only option is divorce...does anyone know a good attorney?? Someone experienced with ice cream cruelty issues?? I think we have a pretty clear case of inhumane treatment here....or maybe brain cancer.

We'll never know.

2010-05-13T14:56:00.000+03:00

Organic = Yucky. Mother 'effin YUCKY.

How can I be sure of this, you ask?? WELL....since we've returned to the USA, I've been all trying to be "healthy" (and when I say "healthy" I mean trying to fit back into my pants -- which is not as simple as one might think. WTF Science!? Where the hell is my fat pill!? WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG!? LAZY!) -- and, according to the TV (which is where I get most of my information) in order to be truly "healthy," we apparently need to go full yuppie and purchase everything organic.

To make matters worse, Josh has also started spouting all kinds of nonsense that cake is not healthy! WTF!? Is nothing sacred??? --- However, I think we all know that if I were to make said cake with all organic materials, it's OBVIOUSLY healthy. (Ha HA! What now suckah?? ) However, the sad part is that nobody actually remembers how to make a cake without using a box (and when I say "nobody" I mean me) AND do you realize how much work it would be to make a cake not from a box?? WHO HAS THAT KINDA TIME!?

Therefore, I would sincerely appreciate it if Duncan Hines or that Bitch Betty Crocker would throw the word "Organic" on both a yellow cake mix and a chocolate frosting can. Let's be honest: I'm not going to be able to go without cake. That's simply inhumane.

Organic cake mixes were not my point though -- my point is (and I do have one) that Organic shit is yucky. Case in point: this morning I made some "steel cut Irish oats" for breakfast. My first clue should have been the "all natural," "organic" and "no sodium" that was written on the outside of the container. My next clue should have been that it said it needed to simmer for 30 minutes. (WTF!? THIRTY MINUTES!? To make breakfast?? I barely give myself that much time for me to do my hair and make up for heaven's sake! I usually end up with my hair in a pony-tail because I made a deal with myself to sleep an extra 20 minutes -- and it is TOTALLY WORTH IT)....

Now I realize that most of you were already thinking, "ewwweee...Gross!" -- when I mentioned my healthy breakfast... I was fooled into thinking that it wouldn't be so bad. I mean, I actually thought that I liked Oatmeal.

Turns out, what I liked was the brown sugar and cinnamon -- neither of which are currently in my house. (Little known downside to moving: you lose all your spices and condiments...and I can never remember that I need to buy them when I'm at the store -- I'm usually distracted by the cake and cookie mixes when I'm in the spice aisle...)

Newsflash: plain, organic, steel-cut, Irish oats are DISGUSTING...even if you add dried cranberries like the carton suggests. Eff -U Irish oat-makers...that's just adding insult to injury.
SOOO, I can only assume that the Irish (much like the Canadians) hate me. Well, guess what Ireland!? I hated you LONG BEFORE you hated me. And, I'm pretty sure that this oatmeal comes from the part of Ireland that is NOT in the UK...

Frankly, after this morning's fiasco, I wouldn't support letting you in the UK either.....

2010-05-12T19:02:00.000+03:00

Okay, no I haven't. I've been LAZY. Really lazy. Lazy to the point that I still refuse to actually get dressed in clothing that is not sweat pants. However, I have an excuse -- and a really good one too...seriously, it's acceptable....sorta...okay, well, I accepted it...Josh: not so much. But I'm still on home leave - remember?? The leave where I am supposed to become American again (Josh didn't get any because he's learning to speak gibberish. That doesn't count.) AND, what says "American" more than sweat pants from Target?? NOTHING DOES!

God I love Target.

I just had to get that out there. Target rocks. And, this is really exciting (probably only to me, but I don't care. This shit's HUGE!)....Target has GROCERIES and Starbucks!!! I distinctly recall getting all annoyed before I went overseas that I had to drive to target AND THEN to a grocery store....Target obviously cares about my needs and supports my laziness!

Now, I can go to my local Target (which is conveniently located less than 3 blocks from me) and not only can I get a new pair of sweat pants and the cordless vacuum I have clearly always needed, but never stopped to realize that I wanted until I walked my cart by the vacuum section...

Seriously, can you guys spell vacuum?? Are there two damn U's or two C's??? WTF? From this day forward, I'm calling it a DIRTSUCKERUPPER....if a word's too hard to spell, we're just not going to use it anymore. I don't need that kinda stress, frankly.

ANYWAY, after I put my dirtsuckerupper into my cart with the furminator and lint rollers, I can just stroll over and pick up milk...and milk duds (WHAT?!?!?! They're Organic Milk duds -- although it doesn't actually say it on the box, I'm sure they are....Duds don't need pesticides. Therefore, they're healthy. You don't know.)

Seriously, I heart you Target! You complete me.

Anyway, other than my regular visitation to Target, I've been attempting to get Cable and Internet. As you may have guessed I now have internet (I had cable for one day, and it left me today. I'm not sure what I said or did, but I'm SORRY Cable!! Come back to me DVR!! I can't watch commercials!? WTF!? I can change! Honestly, I can. And, I have milk duds...I'm just saying...it's not all bad here.)

I would like to point out, however, that I arrived in Sudan on 22 March 2009. I had internet on 23 March 2009. I arrive in the US on 15 April 2010. I managed to get internet on 11 May....you do the math. (no seriously, math is hard. You're going to have to do it. I can't. ) I can only assume that there is only one man who does the cable/internet installation for the entire state of Virginia. He's obviously busy....AND, God help you if you miss his phone call...they cancel your installation if you don't answer - so I've been answering every call on my stupid phone.

Josh, would you like to explain how Sport and Health, World Vision, the Toyota and Nissan dealerships and YOUR dentist managed to get my phone number?? If I get one more call that opens with "We're trying to reach Joshua..."

Not to worry though...I realized you were probably sad because nobody was calling your phone. So I contacted the Jehovah's Witnesses and told them you were interested in hearing about their faith....and went online and expressed "interest" in learning more about Abilify and left them your phone number. I'm not sure what it does, but I know I have not been given a prescription for it (yet)...I might need it.

Please let me know what they say.....

2010-04-29T23:39:00.000+03:00

Okay, so remember how I told you guys that I was coming back to the US of A and how excited I was because I was going to take Home Leave (a little known vacation the State Department gives its officers after they finish an assignment overseas...as I mentioned, it's a rough transition from being a diplomat where everything is done for you -- to being a regular person -- with no immunity from The Man -- who also has to pay for EVERYTHING (which is an unspeakable outrage)! You see...you have to ease back into that....) Anywhoo, I'm on week two of my vacation (and when I say "vacation," I mean running around doing stupid errands, like finding a home, changing my address with everyone, getting insurance....you know...dumb, not-fun stuff) and it has become blatantly apparent that I am not suited to a life of leisure.

Why you ask?? Because I'm officially bored. And poor. What the hell happened to all that overseas locality pay they were allegedly giving me?? Josh is going to be totally pissed when he realized that I pretty much squandered it all on candy and shoes. In my defense, however, nobody could have known that candy and shoes would not be the best investment option. It totally seemed like a sure thing.

Plus, it has become apparent that when I do not have a job that forces me to attend it on a regular basis, I lose the ability to care for myself. I've lost the ability to dress in anything that is non-sweat pants and/or to comb my hair! Honestly though, what's the point?? The people at Target accept me in my sweats and ponytail....the lady at Geico can't see me over the phone....It's gotten so bad, I'm considering applying for a job while I'm on vacation -- mostly so Josh won't leave me for another woman who wears actual clothes and combs her hair (that whore!)

Plus, living in a hotel has lost it's "charm" -- turns out, hotels don't think that we should be given separate bathrooms or an extra room unless we PAY for it....chaa! What happened to customer service?? I'm guessing the maid here will be happy to see me leave when we finally get to move into our new place! I'm hoping that once I have a house and no longer live out of a suitcase I'll be motivated to ensure that my "look" is a little less homeless and a little more clean....so our new neighbors don't judge me.

I think we all know I'm the only judge-er around here here!

2010-04-22T15:17:00.000+03:00

Now you know, I don't like to complain. However, I feel that I would be remiss if I didn't bring this important issue to your attention. It seems that your workers are not really doing their job and you might need to counsel them. Although you know that I don't like to point fingers, BUT, even though I have left my car parked in the parking lot for DAYS now, NOBODY has put gas into it, cleaned it, or checked the oil.

Also, I submitted a work order for this hotel room we're living in, and, to date, nobody has shown up with the extra garbage can or battery for the remote. Now normally, I would just suffer in silence, however, I really don't think we should start out on a bad foot in our new location; Washington, DC.

Although it would have been nice if you guys had explained that we were going to have to now find and then PAY for our housing, I can understand why you would want me to find my own place after you issued me a house with no closets in Khartoum. Naturally, I will be submitting my accounting for reimbursement soonest. I'd appreciate it if you would process that quickly. Everyone is making us actually PAY for things here. I'm not sure when this procedure was implemented, but it's clearly going to be an accounting nightmare for all of us.

And finally, Josh received a parking ticket yesterday. Someone should really send us those diplomatic license plates soonest. Although it is obviously not my area of expertise, I would think that it would be easier for us to just avoid being issued the ticket(s), rather than for you guys to contact the host government to explain why we shouldn't have to pay them. You should also know that the local law enforcement here does not seem to respect my diplomatic passport. The man rudely stated that I no longer have diplomatic status because I'm in Virginia. This cannot possibly be right.

Don't they know who I think I am??

Anyway, the car is still in the parking lot and I'm running out of gas. As it is obvious that I have now lost the ability to care for myself, and since you guys were basically my enablers for the last year, I think it would be in everybody's best interest if you just continued with your duties while I am posted here.

Best regards,

Michel

2010-04-21T00:14:00.000+03:00

Soooo...you recall how last week I said that I was OUT of there on the 15th, right?? (Just in time to set foot in the states on the DAY that taxes are due, essentially forfeiting my right to an automatic 2 month extension because I'm overseas)....well, as you may have noticed...there was a large volcano that was spewing volcanic ash...So.....

NO SHIT! There I was....trapped in Europe....unable to get a flight back to the US! So, because Josh and I love America just that much -- we rented a car and we drove to Morocco, then we hopped on a ferry to Egypt where we joined a camel train down to Cairo, and from there, we took a plane to Dubai then flew back to the US via Japan....WHEW! What a journey!!

Okay, nothing happened. We were actually the last flight to make it out of Europe before they shut all the shit down. There was a group of obnoxious businessmen who were on the flight to Chicago that was canked! Ha HA! SUCKAHS!!

HOWEVER, my in flight entertainment totally did not work. I was forced to read and/or make conversation with my husband for the ENTIRE flight. (God Bless Kindle!!) (tee hee).

So now, I'm sitting in a hotel room, after buying two cars (seriously! If I'm giving you a damn check, just give me the damn car!!! Why the hell does that take FOUR HOURS!?) finding a home, and a gym to join (after I noticed that chubby girls with bad hair are not as fashionable in the US as they are in Sudan).

Plus, would it have killed one of you to let me know that it is no longer cool to expect the store to bag your groceries?? That EVERYONE has those recycle bags?? WTF people!? Now I looked like a damn chubby, ratty Sudan infested clothing wearing, bad hair having, resource wasting, Earth Killer! I'm just sayin...a head's up would have been appropriate.

So, believe it or not, I gots NOTHING to bitch about. America Rocks and I am reacquiring my obsession with TV. (I totally missed you Jack McCoy!) However, rest easy my friends...I'm going to go join a gym here -- I'm sure SOMEONE will insult me soon enough...mark my words...there's an unspeakable outrage in my future....

2010-04-12T22:04:00.000+03:00

Okay, so you know how we're in the midst of national elections here in Sudan, right?? No? GSO didn't either. It's nothing to be ashamed of.... However, I gotta admit that I'm a bit disappointed. Why?? Because after all the hulabaloo and over-analysis of every statement or gesture from the various political parties, what has happened here in Khartoum, the heart of Sudan, the pointy tip of the spear??

NOTHING.

I'm actually not really sure that we remembered to tell the Sudanese it was their first national election in over twenty years and that it was supposed to be contentious. They don't really seem to know. There were supposed to be angry protesters, we were given emergency supplies for when the shit hit the fan. So what did I see today, or for that matter, yesterday?? NOTHING DAMNITT!

I was promised an uprising!

Now how am I supposed to start all my conversations with, "No Shit! There I was..." when the rest of the sentence is "watching people line up in an orderly fashion to vote." That shit's just embarrassing!

WTF Sudan!? You couldn't even turn over one measly car?? Maybe light some trash on fire and yell arabic words really loud?? (Arabic always sounds like you're kinda angry.)

SELFISH!!!

Now what am I supposed to say?? Did you ever think about ME Sudan?? Well, I certainly hope you enjoy your peaceful elections, Sudan! WHATEVER!

Anyway, so I'm all spouting my nonsense, trying to see if I can get Christina to look like maybe she could have been part of an angry mob and someone has to go and ruin everything with the comment:

You see that woman? She carries her house on her head, her baby on her back, and the future of her country in her hand. (about a nomad who showed up to vote)

WHO THE HELL THINKS OF ELOQUENT SHIT LIKE THAT TO SAY!?

Worst part? It was not me.

2010-04-11T20:57:00.000+03:00

I just wanted to send you one last note to let you know that Josh and I have officially completed our pack out. Although i have to admit I was a tad bit miffed that you called me at 7pm to let me know that you have decided that you needed to move my pack-out date to the next morning because you found out that the Sudanese Government was hosting National Elections beginning on the 11th.

Although I admit I was a bit confused why your office was not notified by any of the 250,000 emails which circulated around the Embassy on the issue, or in the 27 newspapers that published the dates of the elections and the relevant drama surrounding the event on a daily basis since the day I arrived here at post, the news coverage on CNN, al-Jazira, and BBC, the 472 billboards plastered around town asking everyone to vote for Bashir, or even the Comprehensive Peace Agreement that was signed years ago that outlined the dates of the national elections -- obviously, there has been a failure of communication somewhere along the way. I apologize that you were not given advance notice of this event.

It must have been very inconvenient for you.

As such, I find I cannot blame you for giving me what amounted to less than 12 hours to prepare all my shit for pack-out. Although I suspect you were in cahoots with Josh, who claimed he could not stay home to assist with the pack-out because he did not have time to cancel his very important activities -- I simply cannot prove it (but I will. Rest assured, I will.)

Why, it's not your fault that I threw all my shit into two randomly chosen suitcases, and then ran around trying to figure out what I needed for air freight and what could wait to go with the rest of my household effects in an effort to prepare for the movers. And, you will be pleased to hear that, in a total change of your responsiveness to my multiple requests throughout the year, your officers decided to show up at my house TWO HOURS early to pack me out.

I was really pleased to see them there. Early. For the first time in their life. Ever.

So GSO, we're departing this week and you will not have to read anymore of my emails requesting your assistance. I just wanted to let you know that I sincerely appreciate everything you have done for me this year (no I don't).

I assume since you've been so helpful to me during my time in Sudan, that is the reason you are now asking me to fill out a survey for the support I received from your office. Believe me, this is one Survey, I intend to fill out (in triplicate).

Best of luck to you in your future efforts to make other diplomats miserable,

Michel

2010-04-08T11:32:00.000+03:00

Before I start my rant on how I am currently in a living hell and why it is all Josh's fault *we'll save that for tomorrow*...I just HAVE to show you guys one of the going away gifts I received yesterday. I'm now trying to figure out if Sudan hates me and is trying to kill me....or they're just helping to ensure I have some final blog fodder before I bust up out of this mother effer....

Because mere words simply could never do it justice...I'll just post it and let you guys see for yourselves....

My new purse....

That shit's sooo authentic, they even added the crocodile ass to the backside....

And, just in case you thought maybe it was just a tacky design, a close up for you. Notice the snaggle tooth...The teeth are actually stabby!

I named him Joe.

I'm guessing Canada is calling Peta right now to have them meet me at the airport. However, I don't think even Peta will know what to do...they'd want to throw paint on me, but would be worried that Joe would attack them back. (He would.)

Sooo, Sudan gave me Joe yesterday and I simply had to photograph him because nobody would ever believe me if I didn't. I brought Joe home, told Josh we're going to have to make sure we have extra room for pets in our house. But I made Joe sleep outside on the patio and I locked the door. You just KNOW Joe is just waiting until we're not looking, then he'll sneak up and try to kill me while I'm sleeping!!!! I swear one of the local guards is missing this morning. That is BAD Joe! BAD!

Just look at him... Just sitting there smirking at us....pondering if I would be delightfully marbled or just too fatty to eat... EFF U JOE!

Joe's totally not getting a visa.

2010-04-06T21:11:00.001+03:00

No?? Me neither.

This is why I waited this long to tell you all....

They set my people free!!!! No Shit, y'all! I'm coming back to DC after the elections in Sudan. (If they delay these elections one more damn time, I'm going to freak out on their collective asses!)

ANYWAY, I will be headed back to DC soon...I would rather the Northern VA area not be notified of my impending arrival...I'm just sayin...some people might not be as excited for my return as I am.....I KNOW! Unpossible!? Right??

Apparently, it's possible WHO KNEW!?

So, in advance of my return, I thought it might be a good idea to actually list for you some reasons I am so very excited to return to America...the best country. EVER. I said EVER. Write that down.... And maybe some cons that I may experience to prepare you for any subsequent blog postings...(Unless of course the State Department realizes I write this blog and tells me to shut it....oh yeah, it could happen. Apparently, we're not supposed to acknowledge that foreign countries honk. I am guessing I might have let that slip....)

Pro: There is an actual right of way that is acknowledged in traffic. Street lights are not merely a suggestion for people who are not in a hurry and think they are importanty. People in America realize that it is not appropriate to simply fill up the entire street if you plan to turn left, effectively blocking anyone else from using that road. In America, that is frowned upon....(and a cop will bust a cap is your ass if you try it.)

Con: I will have to obey traffic signals, speed limits, respect parking spaces and won't be able to just go around traffic whenever I feel like -- because I'm in a hurry man..and I think I am importanty.... I will no longer have an armored vehicle to protect me from aforementioned busting of cap in my ass....

Pro: Eating vegetables will no longer be referred to as the "Suicide Option."

Con: I will have no excuse not to eat more vegetables. PS I'm still not eating lima beans. Eff that. Nobody should have to do that. NOBODY.

Pro: There will be actual "hot" and "cold" settings on your washing machine, rather than the "hot" and "scalding hot lava" settings we enjoy in Khartoum. Clothing will not shrink to Barbie size after washing.

Con: I will no longer be able to utilize the "it must have shrunk in the wash" excuse for why I can't fit in my damn pants.

Pro: Pumpkin Spiced Latte

Con: Turns out Pumpkin Spiced Latte has more calories than I am supposed to consume in an entire day.

Eff it! I will be in America yo! There is no possible downside!!!

Or is there??

2010-04-01T20:46:00.000+03:00

So you know how everyone knows you have to do your taxes by April 15th, right?? (Well, if you're American. If you're not...you don't know..shut up. It's bad, yo.) Well, THAT is untrue...not everyone knows this...some of us forget that we still have to pay taxes because some of us don't like to open mail unless it is from Ann Taylor or Anthropologie.

Anyway, so I was gently reminded when our friends ran into the Embassy all happy-schnappy that they were getting $4000 dollars back from The Man, and isn't that wonderful?? blah....blah blah....So I decided I should probably do my own taxes (and maybe Josh's too) -- ALTHOUGH, for the record, I would like to state that I have NEVER, in my ENTIRE LIFE, indicated that I had any ability to do math, finances or to actually give anything up for Lent like you're supposed to -- I tend to give up things like Paprika or lima beans -- AND I am inevitably surprised by the arrival of Lent (I really think the Christian Right has failed in its duty to publicize the Easter-Lent season. Would it kill them to run some commercials suggesting what we should up for Lent?? Also, I think it would be helpful to remind Catholics that it is Friday....so I don't order a damn cheeseburger and find out when I get home that it's not only Lent, but it's FRIDAY...) Anyway, needless to say, without people wandering around with ash crosses on their foreheads to notify me that I need to remember to be a better person until the bunny arrives and gives you a chocolate bunny and Cadbury Egg as a reward for your attempt at holiness over the last couple of months...I pretty much missed the whole damn thing. CNN had to tell me it was holy week.

That's probably not good. Nobody tell my mom....

So back to my point - taxes!!! I totally sat down and did my taxes, I filled out the forms and even tried to figure out what the hell they were asking me... and then I came to the end...

TURBOTAX pretty much just robbed me at gunpoint, stabbed me in the face, and THEN had the nerve to tell me that they have found multiple errors on my return and would not stand by me if the IRS decided to audit my submission. Then, if that wasn't rude enough, it told me that I OWED the man $10,000.00.

EFF U TURBOTAX!

THAT IS NOT A TYPO....$10K....in addition to the taxes I already paid to The Man, the amount of which he already stole from me that was more than The Man paid me for the entire first year I worked for him....because I totally effin WORK for The Man and he still punched me in the face!!! -- I got that Man coffee and a damn microwave. I'm totally not letting him use my milk. HE can use the damn Coffee Mate.

Does anyone else think that is punitive?? W...T...F...???!?!?! Not only did I NOT succumb to my daily dream of running the other drivers off the road on my way to work, I also did NOT kill even one of my colleagues at the Embassy -- and frankly, a few of them had it coming. NOBODY should be allowed to over-pronounce their words and then throw in flamboyant accents when they say foreign words and live to over-enunciate another day!!

FURTHER, I am in SUDAN..I should totally get a pass because I've been here LONGER than a year and have not caused even ONE -- okay, less than TEN....TWENTY....international incidents...OKAY, so the actual NUMBER of incidents I may or may not have caused does not really matter here -- it's that the Embassy has not been kicked out of the country! I count that as a victory, frankly. Plus, I think I should be able to list that as a tax credit. If you think about it, I'm SAVING the USG a lotta money here in moving expenses....if you think about it.....(think harder).

SOO, after I showed Josh our return and told him to give me $10,000, he pointed out that maybe I don't know what the hell I'm doing... and, after the Turbotax online consultant asked me not to return last year, that maybe we should consider asking a professional to do our taxes.

WHATEVER JOSH...you don't know! Don't tell me nobody else thinks it's fishy that The Man taxes you on the taxes you already paid to him last year.... That shit's just wrong. I don't want any part of it!!

So...I was thinking....(and this is where it gets a little bits awkward...) I'm probably going to have to flee to Canada to avoid my US tax liability. Now I realize I might have previously said some things about Canada and judged them unfairly (no I didn't. You totally know what you did.) However, I've also totally stereotyped Canadians as bleeding hearts...THEREFORE, you guys won't EVER be able to turn me away! ha HA SUCKAHS!!! I totally told you guys you'd regret your liberal immigration policies!

You hosers!

Anyway, after I flee to Canada I'm going to need you guys to send me some actual bacon. I won't be able to survive yet another year in a non-bacon environment.

I know you guys won't let me down....nobody should be forced to live without bacon. Friends don't let friends buy Canadian bacon.

2010-03-31T06:47:00.000+03:00

So, as you may have noticed I have been a tad bit lazy posting my thoughts....well, you would notice if you were anxiously awaiting for me to tell you what I think about stuff - which, OF COURSE YOU ARE -- I mean, why on earth wouldn't you be doing that?? DOOY! ANYWAY, I have (yet another) excuse: We moved into the new Embassy.

So naturally, I'm going to finally say, "Today was a good day!" (No it wasn't.) -- I'm just trying to be more positive because I was shocked to read someone's comment that pretty much asked if anything good happens here (No it doesn't.) So then I thought that maybe I should try to be more positive and upbeat...you know, fake.... But then I thought, Do I really have to be positive with you guys? Let's face it...Positive is going to be a little bits difficult for me to pull off. It's exhausting!

Frankly, I think we owe it to each other to be honest with each other. (OMG! I almost typed that without laughing...haha.) No we don't. Nobody wants to read about some damn form I filled out four times to get blue pens rather than black ones that were made in 1972 -- or that, YES, I did fill out that on-line form four times because this is the type of shit that I can't seem to let go of...but tricky foreign policy issues?? Eh...I'm sure it will all work out -- Christina's probably doing something about it....Now where was that damn form!?

Anyway, moved into the new Embassy that took the USG about 12 years to build. It's very pretty, all shiny and new -- doesn't smell like ass yet. Small problem though...nothing really works. It's kinda like we're working out of a model home. For God's sake, don't move anything!! AND, you know how I refuse to use foreign elevators (because they tend to catch on fire and then leave you stranded in them -- I'm not sure foreigners have mastered actual elevator technology)...anyway...I get all the way to my floor - and you can't open the door. It's locked and you need to know how to open it (I did not). So I walked down to Post One to complain to the marine (because I always forget and think they will care) (FYI, they don't.) And he sent me to see the security guy on another floor - so I get in the stairs -- AND IT'S EFFIN LOCKED!

So I used the elevator. Amazingly enough, it did not internally combust.....so I figured...NOW it's going to be a good day...

So I decided to go to the new-improved cafeteria to get a cup of coffee. The Embassy forgot to order coffee.   (Note to Self: write strongly worded letter to Congressman) (Additional Note to self: Find out who is your Congressman.) Also, not sure Cafeteria workers speak English or Arabic. Might actually be mute, which could be a tragedy....(Note to Self: Bring sock puppet or make big picture of yummy coffee).

So I figured that all was not lost...I'll just go into the office and get a cup of coffee there. I mean, we're the USG. They provide us coffee pots in the office...we just need to bring in our own coffee. SURELY someone remembered that. -- There was no coffee pot, no microwave, and no mugs or anything....SO (Are you still riveted?? This is exciting shit isn't it? Twists, plot turns...etc) I did some calming measures -- good air in....bad air out.... -- and ran around the office in a panic. Turns out, I sort created an angry mob. Afterwards, I was thinking that maybe this was not technically what I was going for in my "be more positive" campaign...but, we did get a coffee pot and microwave by the next morning, so really....if you think about it...I'm a damn HERO!

I'll probably get some kind of award. So after my triumph, I decided to get started on my work, because I'm totally a dedicated public servant like that....

The Embassy forgot to hook up the printers. Now I know we're all trying to be an electronic, paperless, green society and all -- BUT THEY WON'T ACCEPT MY FORM UNLESS I SIGN IT AND SUBMIT A HARDCOPY TO THEM!!!

I think we all know what is going on here: The Embassy discriminates against non-1970s era blue pens who are not made by the Lighthouse for the Blind.

Tomorrow I will be positive. Tomorrow I will be nice to a foreigner. Tomorrow I will go to the gym. Tomorrow I will drive to work and not consider running over people. Tomorrow will be better.   You'll see.

2010-03-25T16:41:00.000+03:00

I am writing you this note to thank you sooo much for the prescriptions you sent me for Adderall and Xanax. Imagine my surprise and utter delight that these little blessings from internet pharmacy heaven also come in a tasty chocolate flavor. Although I was a little bit confused when I I opened the first package to find that you had mixed the two together in one package, I figured that is what you pharmacists do when you ship in bulk. I mean, when you're shipping that many to one address you really shouldn't have to worry about counting them all. I mean, it filled the baggie - we'll call it good.

I must say, however, that you should probably think about writing a strongly worded letter to the Pharmaceutical company your internet pharmacy uses. They seemed to have spelled Adderall wrong and also Xanax. Granted, not everyone is an internet certified WebMD like myself, however, I would have guessed that pharmaceutical companies would have spell check capability.

I'm not complaining mind you. Don't get me wrong.

Also, I wonder was it necessary to label each pill as Michel's Adderall and/or Michel's Xanax??? What if I wanted to share with someone in need here -- hahaha! I know, that sounds totally silly as we've already established that I do not share.

Ever.

However, on the off chance, that I wanted to impress my WedMD customers or "Patients" as I like to call them, it would be very difficult for me to dispense these drugs without them knowing that I am also on these drugs (which cannot possibly inspire confidence in your WebMD, frankly.) I'm just saying....for future reference....you might want to think about Spell Check and leaving the Name off of the individual pills. You know...for Safety Reasons....

And finally, I just wanted to let you know -- you know, for customer feedback and all -- that I am not really seeing the results I was promised in the latest issue of Us Weekly with the Adderall. Maybe it was the generic "Addermall" and "Xanadu" brand, but I'm not really feeling that zen or losing any weight like the movie stars do. I've even upped my dosage to one handful of each per day....and in the interest of full disclosure, I pretty much almost finished one whole package. Perhaps I need some sort of instruction manual on how many to take and at what intervals. I mean...they almost taste like candy...those drugs are just. that. good.

Anyway, just wanted to send you a note to say thank you sooo much for my Rx care package. I have been recommending my internet pharmacist to all my friends. Normally, this would probably result in an increase in business for you and your internet pharmacy, however, I totally forgot that I hate other people. So word hasn't gotten around as one would assume.

Wishing you the best in your internet pharmacy career,

Michel
Internet WebMd

2010-03-20T09:05:00.000+03:00

Sudanese Official: Did you have a nice time on your vacation?

Me: Oh yes! It was fabulous...so much grass and trees. It was just lovely.

Sudanese Official: silence

Me: Oh....well, Khartoum is really nice and all, I mean, the people are soooo friendly. I had a great time and all, but I missed Sudan and was ready to come back (no I wasn't).

Sudanese Official: Uh-hmmm...well....

Me: Luckily, the Embassy is hosting a St. Patrick's Day Party tonight...you know, to ease my transition from vacation back to work. I mean, you can't just go back cold turkey you know.

Sudanese Official: Cold turkey??

Me: (Jebus Dude! Don't you have to leave???) Umm.....just jump right back in to being in Sudan....

Sudanese Official: (offended look)

Me: (SHIT!) not IN Sudan, you know....work....ummm...working.

(awkward silence)

Me: I'm umm....I'm lazy.

Sudanese Official: (cough) What is this St. Patrick's Day??

Me: Oh? Well, it's a day dedicated to St. Patrick...he's a catholic Saint.....from.....Ireland....or the UK...wait! It might have been just Ireland. I can never remember which part is which...it's too confusing. But he's an Irish Saint. ... He wore green...

Sudanese Official: What did he do?

Me: Ummm...I think...ummm....well, he was a saint. Good guy. Helped the Irish, and maybe the British, oh....probably not the British. Nobody really knows for sure. They weren't the UK at that time, so he might have helped the British, but he probably didn't know they were British.

Sudanese Official: But what did he do??

Me; Umm....I think he gave the Irish people beer and green clovers. Ummm.. they didn't have any. Maybe a lucky charm....

Sudanese Official: (silence)

Me: Well, maybe not green beer...I think that's new. But ...the important part is that we have a party. And it is fun. ....Ummm...I can't wait. ....heh heh hmm....should be fun. yaay.

Sudanese Official: So you drink alcohol for a religious holiday?

Me: Well, yes. It's an IRISH holiday. It's their way. I'm not here to judge. But it's not just that...I mean, we wear green and there is traditional food...

Sudanese Official: What is the traditional food?

Me: (SHIT!) Ummm....there's corned beef and cabbage and ....ummm...Irish Stew....ummm...boiled potatoes.

Sudanese Official: Corned beef? What is this corned beef????

Me: Oh...corned beef? Well, it's beef...that is corned. They corn it....you know, the beef. Corned...

Sudanese Official: You mean they put corn with beef?

Me: No. It's corned. I dunno. The Irish like to corn their beef. ummm...it's not not yucky.

Sudanese Official: Not yucky??

Me: Well, I'm not sure it's really good per se...but it's not BAD. I mean, I don't choose it most times, but I think cause I'm not really sure how to make it. And I forget it's there most of the time. It's kinda salty. Like jerky, but not hard and chewy. But with cabbage.

Sudanese Official: So you drink and eat salty beef? To honor a saint?? I don't understand. How does that honor him?

Me: I mean....it's not that bad. I mean, you make it sound like it's silly or something. It's not. That's not ALL...we also....well, we....you know....we wear green.

Sudanese Official: Oh.

(Silence)

Sudanese Official: Well then...have a nice time.

Me: (SHIT! Sorry America...and Ireland...I'll stop talking to people....)

2010-03-18T11:19:00.000+03:00

So we've returned to Khartoum. I gotta tell you, flying back to Khartoum is not as much fun as flying out of Khartoum. I'm not sure why really...well, yes I am. Although the people are super nice, and shockingly unsmelly overall, when you leave here, you realize everything it does not have. Things like Starbucks, paved roads with rules that people actually follow, and grass. You know, important stuff you never really realized was important until you see otherwise.

Anyway, so we spent a week on the beach in Abu Dhabi, and when I say "we" I mean "Me" - Josh was all busy, claiming he needed to "get ready" for the triathlon he signed up for....Naturally, I was supportive and helpful with his preparations. I pointed out that it was 120 degrees outside and that I was waaaay hot from walking back to the resort from the beach. Then (because I am saintly and giving) I told him that although it was very likely that he was going to die if he tried to swim, bike and run in the Arab Emirates for over 8 hours, that I really hoped he lived -- but if he didn't I intended to clean out the mini-bar because I'm sure they would give me the giant kit kat bar out of pity.

I know, right?? My dedication to my wifelyness is inspiring.

Anyway, Josh did not die...and in fact, he did really well on the race. Finished in 8 hours and 35 minutes. Not too shabby. Me? I brought my kindle and sat on the sidelines on the off chance that he might run by me....I was exhausted! And then we go sushi and it was all better!

So then we returned to Khartoum. Welcome to Haboob Season. I'd post a picture, but I seem to have run down my batteries on my camera and "misplaced" the charger (and I'm too lazy to go look for it). Anyway, we're back now, in the land that the mail fairy seemed to have lost and the dirt fairy found.

It's going to take me a bit to get over the post-vacation funk.....bear with me!

2010-03-07T07:53:00.000+03:00

But it is 'effin HOT here. HOT I tell you...and, as everyone keeps reminding me, we're just getting started with the heat, by the end of the month, it's back to my self-titled "scientific experiment month" -- the month where I put shit outside on a rock and see if it will cook and/or melt really cool-like.

People need to know this....

Anyway, since it's hot, we've decided to take yet another R&R (I know, right?! it totally seems like I am never working -- yaay me! -- however, I realized I forgot to use one of my authorized vacations they give me per year and I totally ain't giving that shit up!) so....in order to escape the heat and the dirt, we've decided to take a vacation to....Abu Dhabi?!

We're leaving one hot, dirty, sandstorm-riddled area in Africa and are headed to a hot, dirty sandstorm riddled area in the gulf.   Why?? for the love of all that's holy WHY? YOU ASK!? (as did I?) Because (a) Stupid Sudan is having national elections soon and I am supposed to be here so I can pretend to care deeply about the "issues" facing Sudan so I can't be gone long; and (b) Josh is participating in a triathlon in Abu Dhabi. -- Which is apparently why he insisted on hoggin the mail fairy so his "gear" could arrive and he could be prepared for his race and not die. I'm guessing I probably shouldn't have eaten his power bars...but seriously, who could have known!

There should have been a sign.

And finally (since I really don't have anything to say) I would just like to point out that we watched a movie this weekend (which I also realize you guys probably all saw like 6 months ago, but just be polite and pretend to listen) "The Road" with that one guy who was in Hidalgo and used to be soo dreamy until I found out that he likes to write poetry and commune with Nature (that's not my way).    Did you guys see this?? The world is basically dying (I'm still not sure why, or what happened frankly) and that guy in Hidalgo and his son try to go south and avoid cannibals (why are cannibals always depicted like they're from West Virginia? And why do people from West Virginia always manage to LIVE when everyone else dies off...the inbred people seem to thrive in a catastrophe.....someone should really study that or something. Learn their secret.)

ANYWAY, I'm not sure what happened, or why I watched that movie. All I know is that I am going to hoard some shoes (?? No, I'm not sure what happened to everyone's shoes frankly) and some canned fruit cocktail. Don't ask questions.....trust me. Just do it.

You never know when something will happen that will make all the animals die and the people from West Virginia eat you.   It's good to plan ahead.

2010-03-06T08:46:00.000+03:00

Damnitt! Turns out, I should have read the ENTIRE email Anthropologie sent to me, and not just the first two sentences...because apparently, only the frilly shirt with capped sleeves was not being shipped to me (I think the Sudanese Vice President likely took the last one), because I apparently put it in my cart three months ago,, and they no longer carry it. SOOO, when the mail fairy finally arrived here at Khartoum International Airport, she brought me TWO packages from Anthropologie!

In my defense however, WHO READS A WHOLE EMAIL!?!? That is a lot of words. I don't have that kinda time....

I gotta tell you - that shit is cute, yo! Although, I still stand by my criticism of your catalog Anthropologie...I'm not sure who picks out your outfits (I assume it is someone's four year old daughter) but the stuff is adorable! You don't need to put seven seemingly random items on one model....

However, in keeping with his hatefulness (the mail fairy has been really, REALLY lazy lately...prior to yesterday's mail, she came about three weeks ago and all she brought was Josh's BS. I was PISSED! No mail for a full month and we get stupid gear and power bars!?!?! I was this close to leaving him..but then I remembered that I can torture him much, much better if I remain...and can follow him from room to room in the house to let him know how much he honks for hoggin the mail fairy!) ....AND THEN Josh tells me "You look very nice in your new clothes honey." What the hell is that supposed to mean!?!?!

(That's what you get for hoggin the mail fairy. Oh, it's game on....GAME ON Joshua!)

Well Played Anthropologie.... well played. You may have won this round..but this is NOT over!

2010-02-28T19:55:00.001+03:00

I am in receipt of your email informing me that you have canceled my order from 20 days ago. I am also in receipt of your subsequent email informing me that you will not be sending me anything I ordered from this account due to historical activity on the account.

I must admit that I am impressed that your website has the capability to track the locations of the internet service provider utilized by an account placing an order. I am also impressed that you keep a record of the locations account holders have logged onto the website for what seems to be infinity. I think that our homeland security elements could benefit from your unique talent and capabilities.

I am sending you this letter, however, in order to clear up what appears to be a misconception on your part with regard to your role in carrying out US policy decisions. Although I fully understand that Sudan (the location of the ISP I initially used to place some items into my cart) is currently subject to sanctions, I do not think, however, that the US government intended for you to add frilly shirts to the list of items currently under sanctions. Further, said sanctions are not intended to punish U.S. diplomats that have to LIVE in Sudan. I mean, if you stop to think about it for just a minute, you would realize that we're not your intended audience. Moreover, I do not think you need to be overly concerned that the Sudanese government (who govern Sudan under shariah law) are going to order a frilly top with cap sleeves anytime soon.

In addition, I would also like to assure you that if, for the sake of argument, the Sudanese Vice President manages to fool everyone -- and he goes to the effort to join (or in my case, marry someone in ) the US military in order to open a bank account at Navy Federal, THEN, he gets a job so that he has a credit history and they unknowingly give him a visa card, THEN he purchases a house in Northern Virginia so that he could have an address to utilize for just this occasion, and then decides he DOES want to order that frilly shirt with cap sleeves to wear to his next state dinner...So he orders it and asks for it to be sent to his address in Virginia, and THEN he flies to the states to meet that package and brings it BACK to Sudan and looks just FABULOUS at that State dinner...I'm just guessing ... you can assume that you would be safe to send him that shirt.

However, since I am in receipt of your notification, I have decided that I no longer like your frilly shirt with the cap sleeves. You may go ahead and send it to the Sudanese Vice President with my blessing.

I'm going back to my BFF, Ann Taylor.

Mocking your overpriced natural fibers,

Michel

2010-02-24T07:15:00.000+03:00

So, after my trip I was chatting with a number of people here in the embassy, you know, telling my story about how I was diving with the hammerheads and by 10:00 am, people were going, "Yes. You were in the sea. With a shark. We get it. They are bitey." And I realized something: Those people are asses!! That story was good! They don't know.

I mean, maybe it was because I was starting all my sentences with, "well, I would have agreed with you before I was within 5 feet of Hammerhead sharks (no I wouldn't), but now that I've been in the midst of a swarm of barracuda, I feel like I just have a little bit more (and you have to say that part in a really high pitched voice so that it adequately conveys your condenscendingnessious) credibility than you on this issue." or "after being at sea and living through an almost-shark attack, I can see now why you would want me to write up those minutes. However, when you've face a shark, eye-to-eye - like I have - you realize that life is about just a little bit more than your minutes of that meeting."

(Plus, I wasn't really listening during the meeting because I was trying to figure out how I could throw in there that I had seen sharks. I mean, nobody really stops to consider how difficult it is to weave that naturally into a conversation. You have to work at it.)

ANYWAY, I realized that I should probably ensure that you all are aware of the current Travel Warning to Sudan (So none of you decide to come here and clog up the dive sites with your jackassery), because I care about the environment. Therefore, in yet another selfless act as a civil servant of the U.S. of A, I give you my Updated (and more Useful) Travel Warning in case you are now planning to travel to Port Sudan:

Travel WarningUnited States Department of State
by Michel

This information is current as of today, Wed Feb 24 2010 06:26:53 GMT+0300. (nobody knows what time that is in actuality. It's an enigma, wrapped around a mystery. We put it on the warnings so that you have something to do while you pretend to read the below....)

1. The Department of State warns U.S. citizens of the risks of travel to Sudan, and recommends that all travel to Sudan be deferred due to uncertain and unsanitary, and somewhat confusing bathrooms provided in the airports, (see photo attached in #2 below) and the possibility of violence and harassment targeting westerners if you're a jackass tourist. Granted, this particular warning also applies to jackass tourists in any location, to include Rome, New York City, and Whitehall, Montana.

2. U.S. citizens visiting or residing in Sudan despite the Travel Warning should maintain contingency plans to depart Sudan in the event of an emergency. Citizens should be advised that neither toilet paper or soap and water are provided in the public restrooms of the airport. Travelers should be prepared to bring their own and to be creative as to how to use it. Please note that there will be no running water with which to wash your hands (and yes, you have to wash your hands, that's unsanitary! Don't embarrass me in front of my friends!) be prepared to pay up to 5 Sudanese Pounds to utilize a bucket of what appears to have once been soapy water. The State department recommends you carry Costco sized hand sanitizer during travel.

Exhibit A

3. US citizens who are still undeterred and insist on using commercial air transportation (because you're too lazy to drive), please remember that the USG has issued sanctions on Sudan which pretty much ensures that my father-in-law (a certified airline mechanic with special equipment such as a screwdriver, nuts and bolts, and spare tires) has been nowhere near your plane to repair and/or inspect it. Rather, travelers should bring industrial duct tape in case you notice a crack or split in your general vicinity. This will be the one flight where you do not mock that they start their taxi on the runway with a prayer to Allah (you will join them). After the prayer, however, you will notice the following signs which have been included for your safety. We recommend travelers read carefully and follow all instructions from the crew which will be barked at you in Arabic, usually mumbled.

Do it! Damnitt!

Although the U.S. is still unclear as to the specific meaning of this warning label, we assess that Sudan does not like you to ask for a small King bed during flight. We recommend asking for either a twin or a full king.

4. The US Embassy is committed to assisting U.S. citizens to the extent possible, but not German's, Austrians, or Italians because your accent makes you sound angry and rude. In addition, the Embassy’s ability to assist is limited, and dependent on the mood of the Embassy official. Canadians should not even try (you know what you did) and our Marine Security Guards have been instructed to look for Molsen Stickers on your person. You cannot pass yourself off as an Icelander. Also, we don't like Icelanders either, but are not really sure why anymore.

5. U.S. citizens should note that the Embassy may vary its operating hours without advance notice because it is staffed by U.S. Federal Government Employees who, if an opportunity presents itself, will abandon their work immediately. Please do not try to write a letter to your congressman to complain. There is nothing anyone can do about it. The US Constitution protects the rights of US government employees incompetence and guarantees them continued employment.

6. Services for U.S. citizens are available by appointment only. Requests for an appointment may be made by e-mailing KhartoumConsular@state.gov, or by clicking on the link found on the following web page: http://sudan.usembassy.gov/service.html. Please be advised that the email address above is full and the link will likely not work. U.S. citizens may request emergency services at any time by calling the U.S. Embassy in Khartoum, but the ability of the U.S. Embassy or the Consulate General in Juba to assist U.S. citizens in an emergency is limited. Also, if Michel has the duty, she probably forgot to bring the phone home with her, so you will likely not get an answer. We recommend you call the British Embassy. They are too polite not to help you.

7. The U.S. Embassy is located at Sharia Ali Abdul Latif, Khartoum; tel. (249) 1-8701-6000. However, we may move into the new Embassy that was recently built at any given moment because we cannot seem to pick a firm date for the move. We recommend U.S. citizens drive around and locate what would appear to be a maximum security prison. This is likely the U.S. Embassy or my house.

2010-02-22T21:42:00.000+03:00

So on the off chance anyone actually noticed that I was gone, I thought I would have an excuse readily prepared. In fact, I have made the extra effort to actually GO somewhere and document said absence with photographic evidence. Yes,THAT'S how far I will go to get out of work - clearly, I consider pretty much anything that requires movement or my participation to be "work"....these days. Hey! We all gots our priorities. Don't judge me!

ANYWAY, we went to Port Sudan again this weekend, but this time we went DIVING! I gotta to tell you: IT ROCKED. If it weren't for the whole T"ravel Warning to Sudan" that the USG insists on putting out all the time, I would TOTALLY recommend you do this trip as well. However, since I'm technically still (unless they fired me today, can't really be sure yet) a USG employee, I'm (allegedly) not supposed to recommend you travel here.

(But I do, because it was totally cool. )

(But I DON'T, because that would be wrong!!)

(No, I totally do.)

(But with the caveat that the living conditions are "primitive" because Sudan has not discovered Egyptian cotton - which never ceases to amaze me because Egypt is their Next Door Neighbor...Ergo, scratchy sheets. Buyer beware. How's THAT for a useful Travel Warning!?)

Okay, so my point...."No Shit There I Was..." I know I have said that once or maybe 27 imes before, but this time I really WAS there (in the shit)! But for reals this time!

Seriously, there were HAMMERHEADS yo! Of course, I didn't get any pictures, because we're USG employees and are too poor to afford a REAL underwater camera; therefore, all my documentary evidence is above 30 feet and the hammerheads were not cooperative for my photo op.

However, did I mention? HAMMERHEADS! Are you listening here?? SHARKS! In water. Me. In Water. (It's got the makings of my book entitled "No Shit There I Was" written ALL over it!!) I was fearless (if by fearless you mean that I started to hyperventilate into my regulator and then proceeded to simultaneously hide behind Josh's tank while I pushed him toward the approaching sharks...)

(I mean...we barely know him right?? What's five years of marriage?? We're still in that "getting to know the "real" you (and finding a way to put the real you back in the box where you had it hidden for the last 4 years) stage...)

So, to make a long, convoluted story you probably didn't want to hear in the first place, I give you PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF to excuse my absence:

Just a bunch o'coral reef pics..pretty much the only thing that turned out on the photos. We can just all agree that I do not have an alternate career in photography awaiting me....

Joe

other Joe

No. I don't know what this is either. At first I thought it was the reef shark we saw, but now I'm not so sure.....it might be a grouper. Or my missing slipper. Obviously, we can never be sure...

Tippy boat... welcome seasickness...my sea name was vomitey-girl.

Believe it or not, this is a clam. Or was it something else. I wasn't really listening. But it would be waay cooler if this was a clam.

This fish (whom I named Joe) refused to pose for a picture. After 72 tries, I gave up on Joe's Jackassery.

Note to Self: Scuba gear is SERIOUSLY unflattering.

This was the wreck of the Umbria. Some Italian ship that sunk just before WWII. It was cool. Looks better up close....I swear I heard Celine Dion music playing down there.....

Joe's friend Joe-Jr, hanging out in one of the Umbria's stove pipe thingeys.

And Joe Sr. (Joe had a lotta friends in the Red Sea frankly....)

I'm not sure what the hell this is... I assume there was water....

So there you have it. Photographic proof I was otherwise detained!!! Obviously, this means any of your absences will need to be excused as well. I'm sorry, but I don't make the rules (I just throw off the curve).

2010-02-17T08:01:00.000+03:00

I am in receipt of your comment (well, a lot of your comments actually) and would just like to request a clarification. Although I always thought I had somewhat of a good grasp of the English language (spoken and comprehension being ranked at least at a 2 level - writing at perhaps a 1+). However, although your links to facebook weather, your oh-so-entertaining blog, and various drug websites that will ultimately help me in my never-ending quest to self-medicate, I find that I cannot understand your most recent query you left on a recent post:

Genial dispatch and this fill someone in on helped me alot in my college assignement. Gratefulness you seeking your information.

Although I'm pretty sure most of those are actual English words, and I think I understand their individual meaning...when you put them all together, it's just kind of a big ole mess.

Therefore, as you neglected to allow me to respond to you via your email address, I thought I would seek clarification on your information from Gratefulness you on the genial dispatch that fill someone in on via this blog posting. Looking forward to your response and/or another recommendation for a new prescription drug.

Sincerely you habitual this grateful atonement,

Michel

2010-02-16T20:32:00.000+03:00

You know how you always see those random news stories on 60 Minutes or Dateline or some other boring show that is (mostly) not about me...and how they show these stories about that one lady in the neighborhood who kinda just sits at home, reading, watching TV, hoarding animals, until ONE DAY, the Humane Society shows up and condemns her house because it turns out 23 dogs is one too many?? And remember how those TV shows totally imply that that one lady is weird?

Well, to be honest, I'm totally considering applying to be that one lady....

I mean, I don't intend to get 23 dogs (because that is clearly unsanitary...my God Man! I used to leave the room (usually to get a snack, frankly) and leave Kernel unattended for circa twos of minutes and come back downstairs to find that Kernel had (a) de-stuffed and isolated the squeaker in at least 3 toys; (b) rearranged the couches in what appeared to be random fashion (almost as if he took a running leap on them and slid them across the room...) giving the room an "artless, I don't give a shit about aesthetics" ultra chic look; and (c) shed and drooled all over the hardwood floors, creating a slippery mass of hairball from newly placed couch to hallway...) HOWEVER (and this is just my own personal preference, I'm not advocating you limit yourselves in anyway - but please respect the 23 dog-max limit) I would get (no more than) 2 dogs....

Frankly, it sounds fabulous to sit at home all day, and read, watch TV, shun your neighbors, -- I'm assuming eating cake, cookies and donuts is implied. PLUS, I would totally not have to do my hair, find matching shoes (I hear you can wear tennis shoes with your skirts, slacks, jammies, if you so choose), etc. I would get out my trusty slippers, ensure that I had ample DVR space, an internet connection (in case you guys needed to know what I thought about something), and pizza hut, Little Debbie Snack Cake Manufacturers (for bulk orders), and/or dunkin donuts on speed dial.

Just think: I wouldn't have to talk to people....pretend to listen to what they have to say...make up excuses as to why I can't give them a visa...or EVER have to agree that their country is just as good as the USA (No Canada! You're not!! That's not bacon and I'm not going to talk about it again. Ever! You hosers.)

So, I'm just saying. After this tour in Khartoum, I'm considering my options for my next posting. Top of my list is employed, but essentially living on my couch. (I can't be unemployed! I have an Anthropologie, Ann Taylor and Amazon.com addition! I need help!)

Best part of this plan, however, is that I don't have to interact with other people, which I have currently isolated as the root of all my problems.

Think about it. (You know you totally want to do it too. However, you can't! BACK OFF BITCHES! this is my idea! Do your own work!)

2010-02-14T15:37:00.001+03:00

Okay, so remember 2 weeks ago when I was all drunk that one night and telling Josh, "Hey! Next weekend is a three-day weekend for one of those holidays that we can never remember, like Martin Luther King or Columbus, but who we really, REALLY treasure because they ended up giving us a day off for whatever the hell it was that they DID and we should really look that up one day so we can actually treasure that shit for reals...but REMEMBER!! Next weekend is also Valentine's Day!! Don't be an ass and eff it up."

(I know! I am a total romantic when it comes to this holiday)

What?? You don't remember that?? Did I just say it to him, and a group of 7 people after I called him an ass again for something else he did?! I didn't actually write it??

Oh...well, then ...let me just take today and serve as your own personal Yoda...

Don't make a public ass out of yourself and then FORGET IT IS VALENTINE'S DAY because you got all drunk playing beer pong (and totally lost all that beer pong skill and undefeated status) and then woke up all hung over looking like shit while you lay on the couch watching re-runs of 30 Rock on DVD....

When your husband Josh (Who is now claiming to be a saint yet again) shows up with a hand-made card and a rather LARGE gift certificate to Jared Jewelers because he knows you're a total ass and won't like anything unless you pick it out your own self...so he gives you the gift of shopping....

(*sniff* *sniff* *SNORT*)

Well, I think we all know the lesson to be learned here. It is important to remember that Valentine's Day is not about the GIFTS, or the remembering of the GIFTS or the CARDs, it's more about the giving of the love....

...and sometimes the love-giving is best expressed when you're drunk and you're calling your hubby an ass in advance for forgetting the holiday that you will actually forget..which, in reality is totally charming and kinda your thing, and you're totally hoping that your thing is why your hubby chose to marry you in the first place.

Sigh.

All right. I'll say it: I'm an ass. And I forgot Valentine's Day. You are a saint.

However,

I do love you. I always will (unless and until you call me fat and then it's on mister...GAME ON!)

but for now...I totally love you...

2010-02-12T09:04:00.000+03:00

Well, technically, it is the same victim (me) - but there are now SERIOUS repercussions to this snow-day extravaganza that those lucky mo-fo's in DC are enjoying (except, apparently, those idiots who decided to have kids and didn't plan ahead to realize that kids can totally eff up a snow day if they're also at home. I'm just sayin...Boarding schools have a hidden charm during times like this...) What repercussions, you ask??

THE MAIL FAIRY IS TRAPPED IN DC!

So you know how when I get my mail and it's all exciting, right?? Well, it has come to my attention that the mail fairy is not technically a "fairy" and has to rely on the State Department pouch system to get me my mail from Dulles airport in Virgina....so if flights are cancelled, the fairy is useless. If the USG is closed, nobody goes to work to send my mail to me on the flights and the fairy is powerless.

YOU BASTARDS.

Plus, now that I have realized that the mail fairy is not actually a fairy...it's a little bit like that day when I realized that Santa Claus was not real....I remember it like it was yesterday (it was technically last Thursday, but it's still with me..it was that traumatic) because my parents told me "Santa is not real you ass! This is Jebus' birthday!" (Honestly, a little more finesse would have been better received there). If it is Jebus' birthday, where was the damn cake mom!?!? Plus, and this is where I air all my family's dirty secrets...my parents would make MINCEMEAT PIE and pretend like that was PIE.

WTF!?

That shit's not pie!? That shit (a) has MEAT in it; (b) has raisins aka dead grapes that nobody wanted; and (c) MEAT MOM!! MEAT!!!

HATEFUL!

So...my point is WHERE IS MY DAMN MAIL USG!?

Obviously, I need to go shop online so that when the mail fairy DOES decide to go back to work, she has something to bring me....ERGO, my online shopping is not my fault.

The USG made me do it.

2010-02-10T08:05:00.000+03:00

So Washington DC is on Snow Day Number 4 now (well, technically 3.5 but nobody hung out for the .5....we all know this! You're not fooling anyone USG employees) - four blessed days of non-working, free holiday bliss. Free Bliss provided to federal employees....but not ALL federal employees. There are some federal employees who have been forced to continue to pretend to work. Who have been forced to make polite conversation with their co-workers -- even though some of those co-workers are asshats! Apparently, we're not allowed to tell them this...however, I really think we have a duty to warn in this situation. I mean, seriously, I think some of them might not actually KNOW they are asshats. In fact, I am convinced that this one dude here thinks he is totally popular and that everyone thinks he's cool....we don't. (and when I say "we," naturally, I mean "me.") In fact, everytime I encounter him during the day, I want to punch him in the face -- but I don't -- because I'm seriously that good of a person.

So what I'm trying to tell you is that I'm A FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE. In fact, I have BEEN a federal government employee for so long now that the federal government is currently unable to fire me. It is UNPOSSIBLE. Back in the day, back when I was all motivated to make a difference -- back when I actually thought the federal government was a good thing -- some schmuck checked a box that said he recommends me for continued employment. SUCKAH! Ergo, I'm unfireable...(unless I turn to a life of crime and comit a felony..and even then I think the USG would likely offer me counseling and give me a job at the post office so I'm not all disgruntled and tell everyone how bad the USG honks. It's a huge secret. (FYI, we honk. Don't tell anyone).

HOWEVER, because I'm posted to Sudan and it is a chilly 108 degrees during the peak of the day (however, it DOES get down into the low 80s at night, I've got my flannel jammies on...Josh is a lucky man) I'm guessing that Sudan is not going to declare a snow day. (Although, Sudan is on the metric system. I'm not really sure what 108 converts to (it's a number that can never be known) so maybe we WILL get a snow day here). So I am MISSING out on the snow day largesse currently being enjoyed by thousands of federal employees.

It's an unspeakable outrage...and I'm not going to take it. (okay, well yes I am, but I obviously won't go quietely!)

So, I need you all to consider the real victims of this tragedy. The ones who are not currently located in DC, the ones who are sitting at their desk misuing USG computers to write this post (just kidding USG internet police! I'm at my damn house!) Consider those victims. Remember them today. Remember them as they continue to toil day in and day out, answering emails with "Oh, that's not me, you need to contact Katie in some other office that is not my office.." THOSE PEOPLE are the true victims of this tragedy. Don't believe the sob stories that CNN are showing you. CNN is not in Sudan to report the real story (they're always reporting on some stupid other issue here - something about elections and stability in the region..WHATEVER! BORING!)

Reach down into your hearts and start a letter campaign to the USG and DEMAND that they close the federal government EVERYWHERE! As a Nation, we simply cannot allow this blatant discrimination to continue!

Shame on you Obama!

2010-02-09T08:38:00.000+03:00

Let this be a warning to you all....if you don't call your parents (and then openly acknowledge on your blog that you have forogotten to call your parents for MONTHS) and then get distracted because the construction on the pool was finally finished at your house and you had to go outside and tan your white fat (because tan fat totally looks better than white fat DOOY! This is a well known fact) and then you realize that you've failed to do the metric sun conversion rate for Sudan (which is apparently less than 17 minutes of exposure time) and you now look like some sort of tanning bed addict because of your American Indian Lineage.....AND THEN YOU FORGET TO CALL YOUR PARENTS AGAIN....they're going to unleash the hounds.

Case in point: I received this extremely hurtful email from my mommy!

Dear Michel

It appears to me (and thanks to CNN and all other news media--it has been broadcast to the WHOLE WORLD) that you have again missed the coveted Snow Day!

Why would that happen, Bear? It is time to look at your life, girl! Something is clearly very wrong, because -------it would more precise (linguistically) to say that you have been DENIED the Snow Day. I mean, who could miss this blessing? Papa and I had two winters with snow days due to 5 feet of snow--but you get nothing!

The entre East Coast and especially DC at this present moment has over 2 1/2 feet of snow and not much hope of plowing out (Perhaps we should allow ear marks/piggies --er, pork for DC--so they can actually buy (or rent) a snow plow! But then that would require budget approvals and you know how that goes. Government is supposed to be by the people, and I guess that means government must get the people to personally shovel! By my best guess, this Snow Day will translate into a SNOW WEEK for everyone--except you.

Now I ask you, Bear, WHATEVER DID YOU DO?--

It must have been huge (and I do have some ideas on what that might be) because clearly you have really upset the Almighty! I mean, you not only missed a snow day, you find yourself in a place far from DC (location of said snow day) and even farther from SNOW (good planning, Bear) --and even if snow were to fall in Sudan, no one in your official places would ever bother to declare a snow day!

Good one.

The MomMa

I'm guessing there is not going to be a care package of Little Debbie Banana Moon Pies and Swiss Rolls winging my way anytime soon....I'm just guessing....

Maybe I should call my parents and make the hurting stop....

2010-02-06T10:46:00.000+03:00

So I get this email from my Daddy, right?? And I'm all feeling guilty because I realize that I have not actually called my parents since .....carry the one......about Christmas....no wait...I might have missed Christmas...well, it's been a while now.... but in my defense, I have to use Skype, and then I have to actually TALK and think of things to say that are not sarcastic and bitter (which is quite difficult for me, you know...) and then (even worse) I'm apparently supposed to LISTEN to what they are saying to me...and sometimes its not about me, so my motivation to listen is impacted negatively. I mean, you know...it's a LOTTA work.

PLUS, when I'm on Skype making my call, I am technically on the internet. And you know how when you're on the internet there are always distractions....I mean, there are videos of a kitty fighting off a bear for God's sake. How am I supposed to continue to listen when a kitty is fighting off a bear! That's HUGE!

So then when I'm watching the kitty-bear extravaganza, I realize (once again) that I am on Skype and think...oh oh! perhaps I need to insert a "uh, huh...yes. indeed!" but then I notice that there is silence on the line...."SHIT! THEY KNOW!"

And I realize that my parents are also on Skype and are probably watching the video of the kitten riding the Roomba and attacking the pitbull (that shit was funny man!) HOWEVER, I digress...the fact that kitties make good internet video fun was not my point...my point was...that I was feeling all guilty because I've been a half-assed daughter (but for the record I do a half-assed job at work too, it's not personal....I'm just lazy!)

But then I get to the end of the email and I read this statement:

"Josh keep her away from the little debbies, it is for her own good."

*GASP* My own daddy! So now, I'm on an emotional roller coaster of Betrayal, disappointment, and disillusionment. I mean....MY GOD DADDY! How COULD you!?

So then (as if that were not bad enough), he ends the email with:

God Bless and Keep you both,
Love and Prayers

Mom and Dad

Hello! Mockery much?? I'm sooo telling God, Daddy! In fact, I don't think I even have to do so....He knows what you did.

"Thou Shalt Not Mock the Little Debbie" It's right in there...I think it's commandment number 8 or something, the one people forget because they're all "did he really mean that I can't think Mr. Jennings is hot, I mean...Yeah, he's my neighbor's husband and all, but I have eyes man..." so people usually miss it.

But it's there. Trust me. It's there.

2010-02-05T10:39:00.000+03:00

Okay, so now it's official....my laziness knows no bounds....I barely even blog anymore. My reason?? I'm sleepy. I'm tired. Or, as my husband like to say, I'm ill-disciplined and unmotivated. WTF man!? So I likes my sleep? Is that so wrong!?

Plus, I kinda think I caught Khartoum. The other day I was all vomitey and hurtey, but they still made me workey because I'm still poorey....So naturally I assumed I had spinal menengitis (because what else could it be!?) But then I remembered that I was on yet another "lose weight and be healthy kick" that included doing this workout video from that snotty biatch who trains Madonna and Gweneth Paltrow and she made me do what appeared to be 2,368 crunches with your hands behind your neck (which in Michel's exercise world means your neck is gonna hurt) -- SOOO, I figured that maybe it might not be menengitis.

Then I thought maybe it was a hangover...but then I remembered that you usually need to have had some alcohol the night before and, although I had a glass or 3 of wine, that shit's normal for me...PLUS, there is no way I'm going to get medevac'd from a hangover, so I totally threw that one out.

So then I diagnosed myself with cerebral malaria - because the Embassy was talking about it the other day - I didn't really listen to the symptoms or where I would have had to travel to get it, but assumed it came from mosquitos - and we totally have mosquitos here! So OBVIOUSLY, I have cerebral malaria.

Then the Embassy doctor asked me to please stop coming into his office and asking which diseases would get me sent home for medical care, and that "YOU WOULD KNOW if you had cerebral malaria, you would not be walking in to ask me if you might have the symptoms and to write down what those symptoms were" (Apparently, he wants me to do my own work, to look up my own symptoms before I demand a medevac....AND, APPARENTLY, he needs to work on his bedside manner...)

So then I just decided that I am going to have to name my own disease....ergo, I got Khartoum. Or Khartoum got me. Either way.

And THAT is why I'm too lazy to blog on a regular basis. (Plus, with Josh here, I'm currently living in a "Little Debbie Free Zone." I have suggested to O'Campo that Josh be indicted for crimes against humanity. I'm awaiting the results. However, I think we all know how this will end.....Obviously, he'll be convicted. That's just cruel and unusual....)

2010-02-01T21:13:00.000+03:00

Many of you (okay, one of you) asked me how I came to join the Foreign Service and live in all these exotic places and travel around the world -- because I'm totally glamorous and go to these ritzy locales on a regular basis. ...

To lie...Or not to lie....that is the question.

On the one hand, I could weave this elaborate tale about how I showed up in DC and noticed a gentleman at the Ritz Carlton enjoying high tea at the tea room. He seemed well dressed and worldly (the well dressed, being the most important part, obviously)....so I asked him where I could find an Ann Taylor outlet in Virginia. After he gave me directions, he said, "hey! You look like you might know the difference between a noun and a verb...have you ever heard of the State Department?" Naturally, I said, "Sure, what state?" He laughed, paid for my tea, or it might have been a martini - actually, more likely a martini, tea is for sissies or British people -- and then he said, "I like you. You should be a diplomat. You have a gift, and by "gift" I mean can walk upright and maybe chew gum at the same time....maybe...you don't have to, but if you did, that would be awesome!"

So then I had my job.

Or, I could tell you the truth that I moved to DC from Montana because I wanted to find a job that offered both retirement AND health insurance. I had a "list" in my head of what job's I wanted, none of which I was qualified to do...so I threw out that list, took some menial jobs as a nanny, a temp editor, I might have been a waitress too, and tried to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up....so I applied for jobs and was told I was "purely decorative, no skills (sexual harassment laws weren't so up to snuff then)...and then I met someone at a dinner party who told me about the foreign service exam, so I took it, (which I am still not sure how the hell I passed) and viola...my scores were SO HIGH, they said I was totally suited to the foreign service. They asked me what languages I studied, I told them I took Spanish in High School and College and was mildly proficient in English, so they decided I should go to the middle east...so I showed up at the office, and they realized that Spanish is not Arabic..

And they sent me to Peshawar, Pakistan (I can only assume because nobody else would go).

Granted, in today's economy I fully realize how lucky I am to have a job that STILL has a retirement, health insurance and (the added bonus) of not being able to fire me anytime soon. Believe me, I treasure not being fired or given the pink slip -- and even though I threaten on a daily basis to storm off in a huff, I won't....

But only because I realize I'm STILL not qualified for a real job....

2010-01-30T17:34:00.002+03:00

So I'm pretty much going to pull a lazy (naturally) and just post the pics....(because that's how I roll....)

We went up to Moroe, in North Sudan. There are pyramids and (my favorite) camels....although, they're kinda creepy and smelly...not so hygienic...

I can only assume they had some kinda iPod that had "YMCA" Playing....

Joe's head...he kinda looks fake, doesn't he?

Joe thinks this is his better side....

I'm not sure anymore why this is cool, but it was for some reason....if you guys can figure it out, feel free to let me know....

Although the little guy on the side looks like he might be al-Qa'ida, he's not...he's just cranky....(I asked...)

Sudanese Truck stop hotel. Bucket is some water for you.....

Joe's Friends.....

Waiting patiently to get going - although it looks like it is really hot there in Sharm, it was actually pretty chilly!

This is the Ritz Carlton hotel in Sharm al-Shaykh, Egypt. Little known fact, cost of a room at Ritz in Sharm $160 per night. Cost of dinner with bottle of wine $160.

I'm not sure exactly WHERE this was, but it was taken from the boat in the Red Sea....

Coastline (I'm not sure which one was Sinai, I wasn't paying attention when they went over the historical crap - I was just excited to go diving....

So there you have it...10 days of travel in less than 10 pics...we had fun and did some neat things, but I forget now what that was.....

2010-01-11T21:03:00.000+03:00

Okay, so the mail fairy came yesterday, right?? So I'm like..WHAT UP YO!? That ho came again....and only one week later!?!? How cool is that!?

Oh, she's not cool. In fact, she might have been the role model for Smelly Pirate Ho Mommy Dog. Why am I so upset? Mail fairy came to my house and she brought me the following:

Bills (WTF!? Where have I been? How could I have acquired a damn BILL!? And WHY does Loudoun County think I'm going to pay said bill?? Fools!)

Paper Towels (Note to self: when using amazon.com to purchase grocery items, it is important to check the AMOUNT of grocery items when ordering. However, now the $40 price tag for a "few" paper towels makes much more sense. Turns out - I ordered 60 ROLLS of paper towels. It was actually a good deal and not the highway robbery I had previously reported.)

(Second Note to Self: Send correction to Better Business Bureau. Turns out Amazon.com is NOT run by a Nigerian crime ring as previously believed. Seems they're a legitimate business. -- will have to actually re-google Better Business Bureau. Probably not gonna happen...send apology to amazon.com...I'm sure the BBB won't have opened the investigation or watchlisted the amazon.com employees for the no-fly selectee as I recommended. It'll be fine. Send them card. Good 'Nuff...)

Coffee Grinder - I got all excited because as you may recall my "husband" (and I use the term loosely after this happened) broke our coffee maker - which had a coffee grinder IN it...As such, I'm currently coffee-less...the embassy has issued a warden notice to let everyone know they are not to try to interact with me prior to 10 am...for safety reasons. The Warden notice specifies the Embassy is not responsible for any subsequent injuries for individuals who disregard the notice.

Milk Frothing Pot - What? You don't have one? CHAA! Loser. Get with it. NOBODY pours milk directly INTO their coffee. Milk should be served in scalding bubbles format. Dooy.

So why on EARTH am I claiming that the mail fairy is a bitch, you ask??

BECAUSE THE BITCH DIDN'T BRING THE COFFEE MAKER!!! She tortured us with promises of coffee, and then left us hanging....not even a note to let us know that she INTENDS to bring the pot next week/next month/next May, NOTHING.

Someone please tell me why God isn't actively smoting the damn mail fairy! That bitch has it coming!

2010-01-09T20:15:00.000+03:00

So I've been thinking - and doing internet reserach - on botox. Why on earth would I be thinking about that, you ask??

HOW RUDE! Don't ask those questions!!!! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU! Hateful!

So back to my point - before you guys got all hurtful and nosy -- I've been thinking .... I need botox. I need botox, but I'm too po. I don't want to PAY for botox. ERGO, I've come up with yet another BRILLIANT plan...

I'm going to leave mayo and yogurt out on the counter, in direct sunlight, and not turn on the AC. Then, (by my math calculations) after 72 hours, I should have created a bolgovie-home-tox and should be back to age 28 by Wednesday. (those of you who don't get the home-perm reference should google it...it's funny...trust me on this one...)

My only other option is to turn to a life of crime so that I can afford the botox...I've already tried that...well, I thought about trying that, but was too lazy to actually do any crime, because that takes Planning and Implementation...it's not all its cracked up to be....

AND, since I went to the stupid pyramids again this weekend, but forgot sunscreen yet again, I'm going to not only NEED my bolgovie-home-tox, I should probably figure out who to make a home acid peel...

What could possibly go wrong??

2010-01-04T21:35:00.000+03:00

Okay. I'd like to lodge a complaint. I've been going to the "gym" for literally 3s of days now and as far as I can tell..my gym is faulty. I'm going to demand my money back. I mean, sure they say that if you exercise you will be skinny, but I'm not seeing it. I mean how much time is this gonna take?? (I don't have that kinda time...) I was thinking what? Three maybe Four days??

I'm back to demanding pharmaceutical intervention. SCIENCE! GET ON IT! (Lazy! you gotta stay on these people!)

Note: if one stupid commenter says that "it took you months to get that weight on, you will need months to get it off" (it would be REALLY helpful if they could invent a snotty-sarcastic text for me to use here, because I feel like that would be more useful) I will literally hunt you down and have you publicly flogged (I may have officially spent too much time in Sudan) because for your information it did NOT take me months to get to this stage...it literally took me from 27 November until 31 December...that's like ONE MONTH.

That is NOT RIGHT.

Granted, I ate pretty much all sugar based products for about 2 straight weeks. I think my body may have been trying to reject itself on or about 29 December...when candy didn't even taste good to me anymore because I had eaten soo much of it....I think I might have been going into kidney or maybe tummy failure because I had not ingested one ounce of protein or fiber in a two week period...BUT STILL...I'm sure that nothing to do with the no-clothes-fitting state I'm in right now.

I blame society -- and when I say, Society, I mean people who sent me Christmas Candy. You Jackasses!! You KNOW I can't handle it. NOTHING in my life is done in moderation. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit of a drama queen...I do things on a large scale.

SOOO....I'll go back to the gym for the 4th day tomorrow (those of you who bet I'd drop out by day three -- Ha HA! SUCKAHS!!

You should have tried to figure out what day I was betting on...I'm guessing that day is gonna win. Prepare to pay it forward...

2010-01-03T19:47:00.001+03:00

So, the mail fairy came today! Graciously, the US Department of State (DoS) decided to forward our mail to us just in time for us all to miss Christmas. Today, we received approximately 15 boxes and 32 Christmas cards - naturally, I don't want that shit now! I already took down the tree and put away all the crap (and when I say, "I" did, I mean I asked Josh to do it - and he's only too happy to put my Christmas hell away every year. Why DO I bitch about my husband again?? He's obviously a saint. because although I totally adore all things Christmas, I also equally HATE all things Christmas post 26 December and I hate putting away all things Christmas even worse than I hate all things Christmas post December 26th!)

Merry Eff You Christmas DoS!

So now, I've opened all the boxes the mail fairy brought (Yaay) - until I opened them and saw they were full of stupid paper towels (but cost less than they would if I bought them here at circa $8 a roll) and Josh's stupid granola bars (again, $10 a box here)...I DON'T WANT THAT!! Eff that! Why the hell can't Ann Taylor spontaneously send me shit!?

Seriously, how cool would that be!?! You go out to your car (or your mailbox if you don't live in Khartoum) and you find out that the mail fairy came!! SO NATURALLY (if you live in Khartoum and the mail comes on random days maybe once a week) you're all excited because, WTF !? It's the MAIL FAIRY YO!!? What is WRONG with you!?!? So you're going through the boxes, throwing out the stupid ones from GNC or REI, and then spot it...the gleaming lettering "ANN TAYLOR.COM" and then the angels begin to sing and maybe some kinda band from your vacation in St. Maarten's.....So you rip into it...and it's a top you didn't even know they had!?!? AND, it's guilt free! I mean, I didn't order it...I had nothing to do with it...

OMG how cool would that be!?!

I would probably even PAY Ann Taylor to send me random shit. That's how cool I think that would be....

If you don't understand this, you obviously do not live in Sudan where in their "malls" they sell what amounts to a duty free store full of old shit nobody wanted to buy at the real duty free store. If you did, however, live in Sudan...you'd love this idea...

Trust me on this one....LOVE IT!

2010-01-02T12:31:00.000+03:00

I've decided to declare today a "do-over." I couldn't declare ALL of 2010 an utter failure based on the first day - and perhaps I was a bit hasty to judge a whole year simply because I spent the entire first day of the year in my pjs, curled up in a fetal position on the couch.

On the upside, however, my traditional New Year's Diet is off to a winning start - seeing as how I could not keep any foods of liquids down yesterday and am kinda scared to eat today, I'm thinking this is EXACTLY the way to lose weight. No more of that "eat smaller portions, exercise and make healthy choices" crap that my husband spouts. Obviously, that's ridiculous crazy talk. My way is clearly better. You'll see.

So my glamorous day started off with me getting into my workout clothes and sending a text to Christina (who was supposed to help me remember to go to the gym by guilting me into going with her) asking her what time we're going to the gym. She didn't text me back. Ergo, if my going to the gym to pretend to work out plan doesn't work, we all know whom to blame: Christina!

I then decided that I should make coffee. However, my lovely hubby decided to plug our American coffee maker into the sudanese outlet. Our coffeemaker is obviously racist, because it now refuses to turn on. So I decided I'd make some coffee, old-school Laura Ingalls style. So I got out the coffee beans....

How the hell do you grind coffee beans if you coffee maker has the built in grinder, but then it got all uppity and stormed off in a huff? They didn't cover this section on Little House on the Prairie! Obviously, I need an apron like Laura's mom....maybe then I'll know.

So I made tea.

Then I decided that I needed to organize the cupboards that I have been planning to organize since early 2009 because we were just putting stuff where ever we could find a spot - the kitchen is the only place here that actually HAS cupboards....so I took everything out and placed it on the counter. Then I noticed that the cupboards were all dirty under the stuff (although how the hell it got dirty in there, we'll never know....) so then I decided I needed to wash that out too....

So I'm walking to the sink and I notice the stove and those little cuppy things under the burners had some kinda something on them that can never be named, I'm guessing is some type of toxic waste that burned on there - so I decided I needed to clean those out and I ripped them all out of the stove.

Then after I did that, I looked in the oven -- SELF CLEANING my ass! So then I pulled out the racks so I could scrub in there.

And then I looked around. . . and I suddenly didn't want to clean the kitchen anymore. WTF!? Why the hell do I start these things!?!?

So now I'm FINALLY sitting on the couch again, curled up in a fetal position, with dishpan hands, no coffee and I won't let Josh use the kitchen because he'll just make a mess and that shit is SPOTLESS right now. I even got on my hands and knees and scrubbed the floor with bleach water. I'm seriously contemplating sealing it off with plastic wrap because I never want to do that shit again.

I should have went to the damn gym!!!

2010-01-01T21:00:00.000+03:00

1. Jose Quervo
2. Jose Quervo
3. Jose Quervo
4. Jose Quervo
5. Jose Quervo
6. Jose Quervo
7. Jose Quervo
8. Jose Quervo
9. Jose Quervo
10. Jose Quervo

Don't believe anything he says...That guy is an ASS!!!

Happy New Year! Let's try this again tomorrow...

ps God does not like smart-asses
pps Apparently, God does not like to have to tell you twice in one month

2009-12-31T18:29:00.000+03:00

Yeah, ummm....Hi God. Yeah...it's me again. I just wanted to let you know that tonight is new Year's Eve (which, I'm thinking your probably already know because you kinda know a lotta stuff, right??) Well...since you know stuff...you probably know that I cannot be trusted on New Year's Eve. I realize that there have been a number of instances where I had some bright ideas....

Remember how for the last few years Minoy and I would make the resolution to start smoking?? Then we got sick from smoking and our hair stunk so bad that I couldn't even sleep on the floor of the bathroom with my best friends, toilet brush and rug......so then last year we decided we'd start smoking clove cigarettes because those smell good....but then they DON'T actually smell good - so we had to drop that too... So the lesson we learned from that was that Smoking is NOT a good hobby to start on New Year's Eve.

Now, I know that I was all put out there for a bit that nobody ever warned me about the dangers of smoking, if only someone had put up some sort of a sign or warning or something. I don't blame you though God, I blame Society (and by Society, I mean Canada).

ANYWAY, this year, I thought it might be useful if I could potentially head off the impending smoting and/or visit by the Angel of bedspins and vomit, or (worse yet) the angel of Hangovers and Headaches. THIS YEAR, I was wondering if it would be possible to say sorry in advance -- maybe get some credit, if you will....for what I will undoubtedly pull this evening.

Now I know you're probably wondering how on earth I will manage to get into trouble in a dry country....

I found booze God....I found it.

Weren't You the one who told us to "seek and ye shall find"??? Or, was that mapquest? I forget...either way, God...

What I can guarantee is that I WILL be sorry God. (I always am.) What say you, this year let's just skip the whole 01 January 2010 Smoting - cut out the middle man, if you will....I

If you agree God, I totally promise to tell everyone if 2010 is good or bad -- passing on the message so that Other's know...I'm a whole 8 hours ahead (11 ahead of my mommy, you know...that can really be helpful to them...) It's almost like I'm a Saint, right??

Okay, I'll accept simply not praying for death tomorrow morning. Be a lamb, won't you?? Hear my prayer!!

Best Wishes to you in 2010...I'm a BIG FAN of your work....

Michel

2009-12-29T20:17:00.000+03:00

Well, today marks the 1 year anniversary of my foray in the blog-world. Why I remember (back in the day) when I had fours of followers and was excited when a 9th person showed up (Jane at Gaston Studios) and she actually commented on my blogs. It was at that moment that I realized that I had an audience who might actually LISTEN to what I was saying -- as opposed to my hubby who apprarently has learned to tune me out and hears Blah, blah, Blaaah, Blah blah blah, and responds to every statement with "yes dear"..or "that's interesting Dear." when what REALLY would have been applicable would have been, "Oooh! I'm soo sorry Dear. I didn't realize that happened. No really, it's my fault. You're a saint. I was wrong" Or, I would even accept a "I'm sure it's Canada's fault. Those bastards!" Eventually, he'll learn.

Don't be fooled you guys. Haven't you ever wondered why Canadians are always SOOO quiet?? Why you never really hear about them?? It's because they're just waiting until we're not paying attention -- trying to lure us to look the other way with their fake bacon -- then, they're going to try to switch countries on us when we're not looking. We'll all just wake up and be REALLY COLD and call everyone "hosers." Oh, they'll do it. Mark my words: Canada would kill you if they could.

So naturally, I decided to take a moment and look inward and reflect on all that I have accomplished over this past year and to try to determine how to be a better person in 2010.

OMG! I couldn't even type that without bursting out laughing. I didn't accomplish SHIT in 2009. I think that has been documented -- time and time again.

However, I thought it might be useful if I listed (briefly) what I did and did not accomplish this year:

* I did not lose 25-72 lbs. No matter how many times I drank full 8 oz glasses of Blue and/or White Nile water - not even filtering out the floatey stuff -- NADA! Obviously, I am immune to any type of wasting disease - or, frankly, any other disease that would facilitate weight loss. And along with this bullet, I did not "Eat Less, Move More" as my hubby likes to tell me. (I think I might have gotten it backwards)...either way. Africa and it's stupid diseases and starvation is dead to me. That shit don't work.

* Almost immediately upon arrival I caught Poop Ear. This is the inspiration for me to obtain my WebMD License to practice web-based medicine. (I've since specialized in internal WebMD, and Jason (in our office, who does NOT currently have a blog, but who SHOULD) is our external webdoc). (Post: Stink Eye)

* Not long after I became a WebMD certified physician, I found my first skin cancer and wrote about it. It's a very exciting story. I was riveted. Two thumbs up. (Post: Hypochondria)

* I became a Travel Guide for Sudan's Tourism Industry - I even attached PHOTOS...although they haven't actually called me back yet. Do you think 10 mos is too long to wait?? (EasterIII - Revenge of the Pyramids)

* I met my first Sudanese Bathroom. (In all seriousness, I read this one again and I am STILL LAUGHING over this one (Josh is humiliated). The only thing I can tell you is that I WISH this one was made up - it's totally not. I have since been back to the house - and they have since changed the toilet and removed the sea shell. (I am not sure if it was because of me...probably not. I mean, seriously...right??) (Post: Well, I am Going to Have to Move...)

And then I insulted Jesus (in my last post).

SOOOO...that just about wraps up 2009 AND also my year of blogging. I'm sure there were more - and I would like to tell you that I have been working really hard and have been trying to make myself a better person these last few days - however, in reality, I (a) have been trying to con anyone with access to booze into inviting me to their New Year's Eve Party; and (b) discovered facebook...and that shit is addicting.

Let's just hope 2010 is a better year. That I manage to accomplish a LOT more, and that I finally get that Adderall that I have been bitching about not having for the entire year of blog posts.

What the hell, why not?!?!? I'll just resolve to go the gym everyday. I'll start a countdown....

(I give it 3 days. Any bets?)

2009-12-27T21:04:00.000+03:00

So today I was back at work after the "long" holiday weekend that included a series of unfortunate events (me working on Christmas Eve), an event that I previously thought would signal the apocalypse (I finally met a cupcake I didn't like), a Christmas Miracle (I actually ate so much pie that I don't actually want anymore...ever) and I managed to piss Jesus off....all in one long weekend. Impressed?? I know!! So was I!!!

How did I piss of Jesus you ask? Well, a myriad of reasons really....turns out, Jesus does not consider a "Beer Pong Tournament" a suitable celebration venue for the birth of our lord and Savior. In reality, Jesus pretty much called me a drunken smelly pirate ho and then smoted me about 15 minutes after everyone left Jesus' Birthday Beer Pong Festival at my house. To punish me, he visited the Angel of Bed Spins and Vomit upon me...and that guy didn't leave until like 5 pm the next day. Jesus REALLY does not care for Birthday Beer Pong.

Seriously you guys, write that down.

So I'm telling Liz all about how I pissed Jesus off and she was telling me all about how her family managed to create a scene at midnight mass. So apparently (and nobody tell Dan this, I don't think Liz was supposed to tell me...) the preacher at the mass was from Boston. So he's all preaching about how cool God is and all, and her family was paying very close attention for literally 12s of minutes, but then apparently the Preacher said, "Dah-kness" and a few other words that started them to roll around the pews laughing (everything is waaay more funny in church, frankly).

And then after they got the stink eye from the rest of the congregation who are just a little bit more mature and had apparently a little bit less sugar before Mass, Dan got into a tug of war with the lady holding the blood of Christ. In Italy, they don't let you use your hands on Christ's stuff.

Which then prompted a discussion that will likely end with both of us headed south (or back to Khartoum) for the afterlife.

I pointed out how for the longest time I thought the Priest was saying the "Bread of Christ" - - which, in my defense, it WAS bread. (I was like eight, I really didn't get the whole transubstantiation thing) -- and then the whole Blood of Christ kinda freaked me out because you gotta admit that sounds pretty gross to actually drink (PLUS, I've always thought drinking out of the same cup along with 50 other people is unsanitary. I'm not sure the Church actually offers an actual Sanitizer of Christ on that napkin they wipe the cup with after that one drooley guy who sat beside you takes a drink.

I also don't like it when they don't let you use your hands to take the communion. I'm really worried that I'm going to choke on it because I'll get all nervous I am gonna drop it, then inhale it into my lungs. I mean if you think about it, what the heck would everyone at mass think if you started to choke on the Communion. I know what I would think...I would think you were Satan and that this was the start of some scary effin horror movie. I don't want to go through that man! Just lemme take it first, and then I'll place it squarely in my mouth...for safety reasons.....
Liz wondered if during the last supper Jesus had to make extra Bread to pass around for the Body of Christ like he had to do on that hillside when he fed all those people from the fish and bread. Naturally, I then worried that they might have only gotten the little communion sized piece of bread - so I would have felt all robbed during the last supper, and probably resented Peter who likely got a bigger piece of bread than I would have gotten because he's waaay holier than I am....
Did Jesus actually eat dinner too? What did he order? Is there a Leg of Lamb of Christ too?? Should we have that on Easter?? Is this in the Bible?? I really should have paid closer attention in CCD. If I were Jesus (and I think we can safely assume I am not after THIS post) I would have ordered a Macaroni and Cheese of Christ and probably an Apple Pie and Chocolate Cake of Christ as well. -- I have recently put a lot of thought (as has Liz, frankly) as to what we would order for our last supper. I'm not sure I would be able to decide. I would, however, probably eat so much my tummy hurt though...because what's the point? I'd also probably try to make it linger for about 3 more days...I'd just keep ordering stuff....

Anyway, if I have offended any of your catholic sensibilities, I do apologize. If it makes you feel any better, my mother and father are probably changing their phone number and email addresses as you read this....right after they send me a very strongly worded email to voice their disgust for me. However, these are theological questions that should probably be answered (but not in the comment section)!

God smoted me enough for ruining his birthday. I truly think this one will likely be a freebie!!!

2009-12-22T19:32:00.000+03:00

As you likely already know, it is the Christmas Holiday Season. Some of you (or me) might call it the Christmas Cookie and Candy Season. I gotta admit - I totally HEART Christmas Cookie and Candy Season. However, (apparently) Christmas Cookie and Candy Season does not heart me.

Take yesterday for instance. Yesterday at work people brought in their Christmas cookies. Because I'm such a kind and giving person, I "tasted" the Christmas gifts (I mean, it would be totally RUDE not to do so) - but in the interest of full disclosure, I did NOT taste the Christmas FRUIT CAKE brought to us by our "friends" (and, after they gave us effin fruit cake, I use the term loosely) the British.

Frankly, the Brits have now fallen in my esteem - NOBODY likes that shit man! Don't try to fob that crap off on us - so that they are just above Canada *gasp*... AND, I'm not really sure what on earth the UK could do to repair the damage that was done with that fruitcake...even your "christmas glaze" that you tried to pour on top of it could not hide the neon "fruit" neslted inside it. That SHIT IS JUST NASTY!

Don't ever do that again! Make no mistake...We'll go to war with you again (or, maybe just I will..but I bet I could talk my friend Liz into joining me). We don't negotiate with terrorists that give fruitcake.

SO ANYWAY, let's just say I had more than 4 cookies yesterday (and when I say "4", I mean probably more like "72"...WHAT!? it's RUDE not to eat Christmas Cookies! Jebus would want us to have them!!!) So today, I VOWED that I would NOT eat 72 christmas cookies.

I avoided the kitchen/breakroom.

I avoided the snack-table at lunch.

I brought one of the 100 calorie "grasshopper" cookies courtesy of the Keebler Elves. ... EXCUSE ME...when did the Keebler Elves start making Button sized (or elves sized) cookies and then claiming they're good enough to stop the christmas cookies (well, technically, I guess they didn't CLAIM that, but I totally thought they did..that counts too). SO WTF KEEBLER!? 7 small buttons of crunchy stuff with a "hint" of cookie is not acceptable.

RIGHT BITES MY ASS! EFF YOU, KEEBLER!

That shit should have to have a warning posted on the side: WARNING: Attempted consumption of this produce will cause unspeakable outrage and uncontrollable anger. Just skip it. You're better off eating a real damn cookie.

========================================

Dear Keebler Elves,

I am in receipt of your Right Bites, 100 Calorie pack of Grasshopper Cookies. I would like to advise you that when people choose a "100 Calorie Pack" they want you to make the calories fit the cookies, not the cookies fit the calories.

I hope your tree catches on fire and you all burn in a fiery ball of flame -- and your 7 button-sized hint of cookie flavor cookies too!!!

Wishing you and yours the merriest of Chistmas and Happy Holidays,

Michel

--------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,

Please bring me a box of Adderall. I have been such a good person this year that I ate waay too many cookies and now my pants don't fit (and it's not even Christmas yet). I don't think it is fair that I should be punished for being kind to my fellow man. Also, remember when I made Rice Krispy Treats for the local guards and then wanted to take them back because I remembered how much I loved Rice Krispy Treats and that marshmallows had to be imported into Sudan, but then I DIDN'T TAKE THEM BACK (because they already saw me coming)?!?

That should totally count for something. Please make it the strongest Adderall you can find. We've got a LOT of work to do!

Best Wishes this Holiday Season,

Michel

PS Don't hire any of those Keebler Elves. I'm not sure if you are aware or not, but they do really crappy work. I question their upbringing. Your elves would NEVER put out such a crappy product!

2009-12-20T20:34:00.000+03:00

It has come to my attention that there is ton of snow in WDC and that they are predicting that the USG will close tomorrow for a Snow Day (God's gift to good little federal employees) for the Washington Metropolitan Area. Naturally, when I heard the words Snow Day uttered, I rushed to the window to see the "snow" that God sent the USG for a Merry Christmas....It was a Christmas Miracle!!!

Then, I noticed that there was no snow here, because I was not in the WDC metropolitan area.

So basically, we now have confirmation that God officially hates me. If I recall correctly (and I usually do not recall correctly, fyi), when I lived in DC, if it ever DID snow, it would snow on a Friday night, making sure to melt by Sunday evening so that I would always make it to work on time on Monday. WTF!? HATEFUL!

Damnitt! Once again someone else is the recipient of something cool that I do not get. So now, I sit here judging those who get the snow day. YOU BETTER TREASURE YOUR CHRISTMAS MIRACLE YOU LUCKY USG-BASTARDS!

For a minute there I, too, thought that I was going to have a Christmas Miracle...how? you ask?? Let me tell you: President Bashir declared 23-24 December as a National Holiday for Christmas in Sudan (I was all set to get out my "I heart Bashir" t-shirt in honor of the occasion!!) ...However, because the Embassy obviously hates Jesus, they told us that we can take stupid "liberal leave" on the 23rd....excuse me...LIBERAL LEAVE!? I'm not using my paid leave in Khartoum! Eff that!

Once again, I was robbed....so I will get up tomorrow morning, get dressed and walk out into the heat and dirt...(fyi, dirt does NOT make a good snowman...it will, however, make a nice dirt pile that you can name "Dirty the Dustman" though...however, it's kinda *akward* to place a top hat on his head and wait for him to dance around...the local guards don't know what the hell you're doing) and then GO TO STUPID WORK. (sniff) (sniff) (SNORT!) while you guys (oh yes, you heard me....I said it...I'll say it again!! YOU PEOPLE!!!) snuggle up in your beds, drink your hot cocoa and probably finish up your stupid Christmas shopping. (I hate YOU PEOPLE so much right now... )

Merry Eff-U Christmas YOU PEOPLE!!

2009-12-15T21:56:00.001+03:00

I am writing this letter to inform you that I have decided to seek other medical care for my "medical issues" (both imagined and real) that I have and/or will encounter in Sudan. Although I sincerely appreciate your medical advice such as when you recently commented, "Why the hell would you put Neosporin on a burn for more than three days?! Everyone knows that after three days Neosporin will adversely effect healing of burns!" I really feel that I must point out that, No, not everybody DOES know that. I assume only medical professionals (and maybe my internet pharmacist) would know this.

I feel like it is my civic duty to inform you that most people at post (and when I say "most people," I mean me specifically) rely on YOU to tell them if there is some sort of side effect for a drug or cream. For example, when I first burned myself and you told me to make sure I cleaned it and put some Neosporin on it, perhaps then would have been a good time to bring up the "but not for more than three days or you will create a skin reaction that will result in hideous scarring and prevent healing."

I'm just saying...perhaps then would have been a better time than when you pointed it out circa 7 days after I burned myself and had been continuing to put Neosporin on it because (a) I had some; and (b) I saw a commercial that made a scar disappear on some kids' finger back in the day when I had TV. Clearly, that would help my burn...on my finger!! Obviously, Neosporin is intended for finger healing. The commercial told me.

Also, I did not appreciate it when you refused to even consider a Medevac back to the States for my debilitating injury, because you "assumed" that Washington would consider that a frivolous request. Further, you then laughed when I noted that any medevac for myself back to the States would clearly need to be authorized business class -- in case someone bumped my finger!! -- I'm just saying that I think that you might need to work on your bedside (aka pretending to care) manner.

Further, as I am currently an internet certified physician (I mean, my cards don't say US Embassy, Michel, WebMD for nothing man), I'm not really looking for someone to just tell me what you think I have. I'm very qualified in the use of my medical reference tool "Symptom Checker" and believe I can diagnose my own illnesses - frankly, with a more cool sounding result than your, "that's a burn" diagnosis. What I am looking for, is someone who is more Prescribey, and less talkey.

I think you can see that because of my ability to self-diagnose, if I do drag my lazy ass into the health unit, I'm going to need some kind of prescription drug in order to make myself feel as if I have been to a medical professional. Otherwise, I could just go online and tell myself what to do.   I do hope you understand my decision. It's nothing personal. You just suck.

Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,

Michel, WebMD

2009-12-13T20:59:00.000+03:00

Okay, so remember when I tried to explain how we should have paid closer attention in our 6th grade science class? Remember when I briefly mentioned that I was hideously burned by a combination of water and steam that was trying to escape a trendy tupperware bottle normally destined for the gym?? (SEE?! Even water and steam doesn't want to go to the damn gym...I'm not alone in this....)

Well, I kinda feel like I did not receive the appropriate amount of sympathy from my readers. (And when I say "readers" I mean my mommy and my daddy. . I heard nothing from them! I should have at least have received an "OMG! Are you okay?!? Does it hurt you? (yes, yes it does.) Please protect yourself from infection...(even though we all know it is unpossible to protect yourself from infection here because Africa is gonna touch you).") AND, to further exacerbate my ire, I did not receive one EVEN ONE email from my internet pharmacist offering me some kind of pharmaceutical sample pack to ease my pain.

NOT. EVEN. ONE.

Therefore, you're all going to pay. How you ask?? ... I'll tell you... .I'm attaching a PHOTO of my hideous burn that is all hurtey and making me not-so typey these days (and, for the record, THIS is why my work is shoddy...)

I KNOW!! How hurtey (and frankly, yucky) is that?! Obviously, I need some kind of pharmaceutical intervention. Africa has clearly touched it. It's not only hurtey, it's unsightly. And, on my right hand...therefore, I'm not so writey these days either.

Well, now that I feel that I have the approrpriate level of sympathy from you guys (and my mom feels really, REALLY bad for not asking how I am doing...whether I am getting on okay with my debilitating injury....I thought I should show you some of the good news stories from Khartoum.

Well, I only have one....here is our Christmas tree...... In all it's glory. And no, I will not be arrested, killed or have my house burned for having a Christmas tree. It's all good in the hood.

This week, I will make it my goal to document the (not right) Christmas Lights, decorations and dancing Santa's posted around Khartoum. If nothing else, it will show you the true meaning of how American Christmases are soooo much better than foreign ones. -- Even you Canada...don't think we don't know what you're up to...we've intercepted your slanderous (or is it libel, I can NEVER effing remember) letters to Santa. As such, I've went ahead and added you to the Axis of Evil -- we had an opening when Iraq left....Congrats!

2009-12-12T10:17:00.000+03:00

So tonight I'm going to a Christmas Party. Yes, you heard me, a CHRISTMAS party. So I'm all excited, right? Because SHIT! I totally heart Christmas parties. There are cookies, and booze and all kinds of snacky-snacks...

Then I remembered....I'm in Khartoum.

Now I'm all nervous to go, and will likely entitle my next post, "12 December, 9:14 pm....The date/time Christmas was OFFICIALLY RUINED."   Seriously, if you stop and think about it for just a minute, you'll totally understand my angst:

Khartoum is not known for it's cookies, cakes and pies. They're known for having FOREIGN cookies, cakes and pies, AND, I'm not really sure they know what "cake" means...I've seen some shit they had put out a tag that said "cake" in front of, and....well....I'm not sure what it was...but what I am sure of, is that it was NOT cake. (trust me, I fall for it Every Time.); and

Khartoum is dry. Granted, some people can get alcohol...it's like back in the day when i was a teen in Montana (which was technically a "dry" country when you're under 21), I totally managed to find and acquire booze.

(WHAT!? No mom...that was just joking. I did NOT. That would be wrong. Where do you come up with these things?!)

SOO, you can see why I am having a dilemma here.   PLUS, the invitation said "Formal Attire Required."

WTF does that mean in Sudan?? Do they mean a formal wrap-around blanket-thing with sparkles attached?? Or do they mean formal attire, like we mean formal attire... I NEED MORE CLARIFICATION!!!

And, I need formal attire.

I didn't actually pack any formal dresses. I didn't think I would need them. The best I can do is a dress...and lame, half-assed dress more suited for summer and the office.

So now, not only am I likely going to be pissed that they are serving stupid fruit juice and those arab "sweets" that pretty much amount to some kinda mini-wheat type of material soaked in honey and sprinkled with pistachios....I'm going to look like a monster and might get kicked out for not wearing a sparkley blanket with matching scarf.

Nevermind. I don't need a next post: 12 December 2009, 10:13 am. The date/time Christmas was officially RUINED in Khartoum.

2009-12-11T00:34:00.000+03:00

I am in receipt of your comments on my post(one might call it a BRILLIANT, witty, and yet, insightful post) entitled Government Backed Conspiracy Theories. However, as you have now commented approximately 25 times, over the course of 25 days, I feel honor bound to inform you of the following:

Your links to Chinese Porn is wasted on me. I don't understand it..and am too lazy to go back, and potentially learn other things that would require that I actually acknowledge what I wrote previously, and take responsibility for the shit I posted.

That is probably not going to happen. I'm just guessing, but am almost 227% positive that I ain't gonna learn a valuable lesson.

I don't mean to be rude to your "economonic hegemony" and stuff, but I am not really interested in learning new "issues" or "acquiring evidence" that would potentially illuminate the "realy story".

Write this down China: too lazy.

Best Regards,

Michel

PS I don't recall ever asking for your opinion on our foreign policy. We honk. I get it. This is now a new premise that would shock me. (Frankly that would shock me, is that I would actually care -- about anything....)

ERGO, stop leaving comments on my blog. Nobody remembers that blog!! I think that, "max" 20 people actually read my post. Chances are...nobody you care about, or read it. When I say that nobody really likes me here -- I'm serious. They think I"m 'not serious" and that I have a marked tendency to buy into group think. Consider that carefully.

Well!?!? WHO WOULDN'T!?!?

I'm all for jumping on the bandwagon. Please, let's just ensure that said bandwagon has an acceptable business class section.

Let's be realistic. Once again, I don't fly coach.

2009-12-10T06:55:00.000+03:00

So you know how I'm in Sudan, right?? I just thought I should take a moment and remind you all (and when I say "you all" I mean "my mommy and Daddy" who will soon be shipping me my Christmas Care Package) that I am IN SUDAN . Ergo, you should feel sorry for me.

Why, you ask??

Because I'm IN SUDAN...jackass! It's Christmas...and I do not have access to Malls or ABC's 25 Days of Christmas or FaLaLaLa Lifetime Christmas movies. That alone is an unspeakable outrage and likely prohibited by the Geneva Convention -- although to be fair, I haven't actually read the entire Geneva Convention (because it was really long and frankly kinda boring...but I DID read the part that said GENEVA CONVENTION...but then I got bored and deleted the email that linked me to it), so I can't really say for SURE that it is technically IN there, but I imagine it is, because it's obviously a travesty.

However, because I'm a kind, and caring - some might even say "saintly" - person, I will tell you WHY you should sympathize with me this holiday season...

(1) There is no Caro White Corn Syrup (a christmas staple) available in Khartoum. I'm sure they have some sort of equivalent, but I can't speak Arabic, am too lazy to actually ask someone how to say that in Arabic, and prefer to simply complain about the issue.

(2) The Mail Fairy Refuses to ship glass or liquids to me in Khartoum. Therefore, even if my BFF Netgrocer, or Amazon.com had Caro White Corn Syrup available, the Mail Fairy would send it back. (Speaking of which, the Mail Fairy is a bitch! Yesterday, the fairy came and delivered my presents - or "boxes" as they like to call them - in my car...and I was all excited (as naturally I would be) and then I looked at the name of the sender...VITAMINLAND. WTF MAIL FAIRY!?!? That's not cool! Nobody wants that shit! Healthy shit is dumb, and should not be allowed to clog up the mail!! Before you even ask...Yes. Josh is totally to blame for that. He has been counseled.)

(3) Without Caro White Corn Syrup, Christmas Candy and Pecan Pie Cannot Exist. I don't even need to expand on this one. I think you all can see the inherent grief #3 brings me.

(4) It is Difficult to Sustain the Christmas Spirit When You Leave the Tree. In keeping with my tradition of Creating Christmas Hell in my house, I forced Josh to put up the Christmas decorations (which I totally shipped in our household effects, but managed to forget to ship the salad spinner and vegetable steamer. Josh still thinks that was an accident. Fool!) immediately upon our return from Rome. However, it's just not the same when you walk out the door to find heat and sand. Obviously, we'll be having a Brown Christmas without you guys....

(5) intentionally left blank.

I do, however, have to give Sudan some credit....some families have put up some lights and there are trees up in various places around town. I totally didn't see that coming. Also, there is some kinda scarey Santa that dances in front of the kid's toy store here. However, it's one of those foreign Santas, that look nothing like the real Santa, but more like a fat, creepy old man dancing for little kids.

I'm kinda just disturbed by that. However, I refuse to be disturbed alone. Therefore, in keeping with my other new tradition of bringing you guys down with me. I will try to get a picture of the creepy dancing Santa and will post him here.

SOOOO, since you're all probably feeling really, really sorry for me now, please refer to my last post (skip the Satan part though, that will probably freak you out) to find my Christmas Wish List attached.

I also accept all major credit cards.

2009-12-08T22:43:00.000+03:00

So I was reading blogs this evening -- and then was subsequently distracted when Josh called me downstairs to watch a "movie"...and when I say "movie," I mean hideous monstrosity called Paranormal Activity that will essentially preclude me from EVER SLEEPING AGAIN..... because it simply confirms what I always knew: boys will eff with shit until demons come and kill you all. Just as I suspected!!! I totally knew it!!!

OMFG! I'm seriously, SERIOUSLY, never going to sleep again. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!? AND WHY THE HELL DID I WATCH THAT!?!?

Yes, mother! I KNOW! You DID tell me not to watch that shit, that it would only freak me out and I would end up flying back to Washington and sleeping with my parents - but damnitt! You KNOW that only makes me want to see that shit more, right!?!?

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is...Josh and my mommy are to blame for my current Sleepless in Khartoum state.....

HATEFUL!!!

Anyway, back to my point - before I was rudely interrupted by Satan -- I was trying to catch up on my hobby (blog reading) and I read Jason's blog (if you haven't read it, you totally should. He's the heeby! Fo Shizzle!) and he had a BRILLIANT idea...post your Christmas List...so that you're SURE to get what you want....

SOOO....after that, I totally have to do the same; here it goes. Please get out your pens and pencils so that you can take notes. Your shopping list will be succinct and will ultimately save you time at those crowded malls (my goodness! I'm such a good person!! I'm like a Christmas Miracle!!!)

READY!?!?!

Dear Santa,

I just wanted to send you a quick note to let you know that I have been thinking about all you do for the good little boys and girls - how you load that sleigh and then get in your winter garb (I know how binding layered clothing can be when you're on the other side of chubby...my goodness, I could write a book...but I digress) and round up all the reindeer...

That's a lotta work.

Therefore, as a fellow lazy American (you ARE American, right?? It's okay that you skip Canada. They know what they did), I just wanted to tell you that this year, I want to take some of the burdeon off of you. Let you put your feet up.....sit by the fire with Mrs. Claus...Maybe watch a movie -- Oh, FYI - don't watch Paranormal Activity! That shit is messed up. You should cross everyone responsible for that movie off your list. They are clearly bad people. -- anyway, get some hot cocoa and take a rest this year.

Please just EFT the cash amount of my gifts to my bank account of record. They're expecting a "hefty" transfer.... Haha! (or should I say, hohoho??? How cute is that pun SANTA!? Doesn't it just make you want to add a zero to the end of that transfer!?!)

You are soooo welcome.

Love Always,

Your Biggest Fan who is NOT from Canada....

Michel

PS I'm not sure if you noticed or not, but Josh is a very very bad man this year. Tell him to knock the Satan Shit off or you'll cross him off next year's list. That shit's not funny!!

================================================

Dear God,

Josh is a Blasphemer. When you judge everyone, please don't consider us a tandem couple. I had nothing to do with it.

Your Humble Servant Who Does NOT Mock Satan and Potentially Piss You Off,

Michel

PS I am very sorry I watched that movie. I will never do it again!! I even wrote it down as valuable lesson number 864. As such, please tell Josh to stop scaring me. That shit's sooo not funny.

2009-12-07T22:17:00.000+03:00

If you're like me -- and I can only assume you are because I tend to view the world from my limited optic and assume that it revolves around me and my issues (because they're clearly more interesting than listening to other people's stories about stuff that has nothing to do with me or my friends) -- then you probably would appreciate knowing some things that you should consider if you ever intend to take a surprise (to you) vacation in the near future.

Turns out, if you leave your trendy tupperware water bottle on your desk, half-filled with some flavor of Crystal Light (and I am unsure which flavors may have a stronger or weaker effect) sitting stagnant in it for a period of not less than 12 days straight, in temperatures of upwards of 100 degrees farenheit, said trendy tupperware water bottle may - repeat may - develop what medical doctors would call a mold-like substance on the inner section of said trendy tupperware water bottle.

Now, if the above did not shock and awe you, what you may not actually know is that it is possible that you might have needed to pay attention during your 6th grade science class.

I KNOW, RIGHT!? Totally shocking and somewhat of a sensational statement! However, it's true. And I now have definitive proof.

How you ask?? Well, let me tell you: So remember when I told you about the trendy tupperware water bottle? (If not, you really need to work on your reading retention/comprehension skills) Well, I actually encountered this situation upon my return. I also encountered too tight pants after a week of being fiscally responsible and ordering the less expensive pasta and wine combination for each meal. Therefore, I decided to go the the gym (bad plan, FYI. I cannot recommend it). As such, I was forced to wash out that trendy tupperware water bottle so that I could refill it with a new flavor of Chrystal Light. (I don't do plain "water," much like how I don't fly Coach. . . We all have our crosses to bear.)

So I get to the gym and go to take a drink, and realize that the black substance I thought was Crystal Light residue, is in fact mold. So now I'm back in Africa, I'm in a gym, pretending to work out on a treadmill, and I'm drinking mold. (Will advise if this is my new-fangled weight loss plan. I suspect it has potential).

So after I finish my mold and leave the gym to go home, I start thinking to myself that perhaps, it is not healthy to drink mold...that perhaps I should again try to wash out that yuckiness. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a dishwasher in Khartoum. So using my keen intellect, I decide that I will boil water and sterilize the trendy tupperware water bottle.

So I wait until the water is boiling and then fill the trendy tupperware water bottle about half-way, seal the top, and shake vigorously. . .

Remember that really, really boring lecture in your 6th grade science class where the teacher blabbed on and on about the power of steam and how it can move trains? No? Me neither.

Turns out, it was important. However, I contend that nobody could have known that Science, much like math would ever be useful and/or applicable in your life. It was unknowable. Someone really should have said something.

Dear Mrs. Dean:

Perhaps - rather than talking about a stupid train that nobody likes but creepy train freaks - if you had pointed out that steam has the potential to blow off the top of a trendy tupperware water bottle, spewing molten hot water all over your hands when you attempt to shake it, thereby covering your hand in 3rd degree burns - I might have paid attention in Science.

Think about it.

Best regards,

Blistered in Khartoum

2009-12-05T16:13:00.000+03:00

Creepy as hell photos attached (as promised)....now you see dead people....

This is kinda hard to see, but there are creepy dead people all over the walls and stuff....and 72 signs not to take pictures. They really should have said something if they didn't want us to take pics and then post them on the blog. I can't be expected to read everything you know....

How effin scary is this guy?? WTF!?

These are some of scary guy's friends. Joe, Bill and Jimmy's Brother....

There you have it! I'm likely going to go to hell for posting those, but I figure I'll know a lotta you freaks there, so it might not be all bad.

2009-12-02T22:43:00.000+03:00

Now that I totally have your attention...I would like to point out (a) I'm home; and (b) why the hell didn't anyone do anything while I was gone!?!? WTF people!? Now I'm having to work MORE after I took a break because I was exhausted from working!!!

(and as a total aside, WHO THE HELL IS LEAVING COMMENTS IN CHINESE?!? And WHY the hell are people leaving stupid links as comments. For the record: that is LAME! I totally hate you, whoever you are. You are officially dead to me. Loser)

Okay, I'm better now.

SO, we went to Italy right?! Remember how I wasn't prepared? Well, I really wasn't prepared. at. all. Wanna hear about it? here it goes:

So Embassy told us the driver was coming to pick us up at 0100 because (as you may recall) Egypt and Algeria decided to hold their playoff match for the world cup (soccer) here in Khartoum the day I was leaving. Ergo, as the fans from Egypt and Algeria decided to bust a cap in the ass of the mean streets of Khartoum, so Embassy realized that perhaps the airport might be "busy" with crazed fans who were too poor to stay overnight one more day in Sudan. Or, they actually looked outside and realized they were in Sudan so they all ran for the airport to get the hell outta here. Either way.

So, at 0100 hrs we're at Khartoum International Airport - but it should be fine, right? we're business class (I don't fly coach. It's my new red line); however, I neglected to plan ahead (because if you recall, I didn't remember I was leaving that day) and didn't bring any booze. FYI, KIA does not supply booze to its business class lounge. They claimed something about Sharia Law and being an Islamic Country - I'm not really sure, wasn't really listening as I was scheming how to get back to my house and grab a flask or four - you know, just to take the edge off...

So then, because of the crazed nonsense going on - our flight did not actually DEPART Khartoum until after 0930 the NEXT DAMN DAY.

Naturally, we missed our connecting flight in Cairo. (Write this down: I now officially HATE Egypt and Algieria. They are ALSO dead to me....like that chinese guy and anonomyous)

So then we sat in the Cairo airport (the old one, not the new trendy one that has booze in its lounge) for another four hours. I seriously considered just going back to Khartoum.

HOWEVER, we DID make it to Rome, had a great few days there - stayed in a fab hotel right on the top of the Spanish Steps, realized that wine was actually cheaper than a cup of coffee, so I started drinking at 0930 daily (because I'm fiscally responsible like that).

Then we rented a villa in Catania, Sicily with some friends (you remember Liz, right?? She says hi) and we cooked thanksgiving dinner in a foreign oven using the metric system for measuring and oven temperatures.

So you're totally thinking it was a disaster, right??

NO! It was seriously the best turkey I have EVER had (no offense daddy, but that shit rocked). I might have been drunk, but that crap was good.

Other highlights of interest - we walked up mount etna (not much to see but lava rocks. Can't really recommend it - plus, i got all tired and Liz and I made them leave us 3/4 of the way up the mountain while we sat there to wait for them to return from the summit - while buzzards circled our carcasses) and then the BEST PART...we drove 3 hours to Palermo, Sicily to the catacombs.

I fully admit that I DEMANDED that we all go because I totally wanted to see the dead people. The books all said that the catacombs had some kinda mojo that would mummify people - so the richy-riches of Sicily would have themselves hung on the wall for posperity. So I mean, who wouldn't want to see that shit, right!?

So we finally manage to find the thing in some random ghetto in Palermo where nobody spoke English and you know I don't speak Italian - in fact, after this trip, I barely speak English anymore.... So I'm all excited, thinking...there's gonna be some dead man we can look at -- and potentially poke with a stick (because that's what you would naturally do when faced with a dead thing)

So we pay our 3 euros and go in.

OMFG! the horror!

There were literally HUNDREDS of bodies lining the walls...they were all dressed in their old clothes and some of them even had hair and skin still. I shit you not! Dead people! Some of them were all hanging like they were talking - so of course Josh has to comment that they totally were all chatting and moving around, but the sun came up so now they're waiting for the place to close (which was like in 10 minutes at the time) until they wake up again.

So now I'm all freaked out and I want out of there. PLUS, the guy at the cashier's desk said that "there was something in the air and the soil" in that location that rapidly mummified the people - so then I'm TOTALLY holding my breath because I'm sure that I'm mummifying as I'm walking through the place.

Luckily, I didn't mummify and nobody came back from the dead. We totally took pics (even though we weren't supposed to do so because we're AMERICANs and we're tacky)....but I'm freaked out by the pics. UGGH.

Will post pics of Italy for your viewing pleasure whenever josh sends them to me in a format that I can easily post. Until such time, assume it was waaay cool and now I'm back in hell.

You may resume your pity.

2009-11-18T22:56:00.000+03:00

So you may have noticed (or maybe you didn't) that I have not been posting lately. Turns out, that eventually, work will notice that you are supposed to actually work, and not just pretend to work. Frankly, I think they should been more clear up front with me in this regard. How the hell am I supposed to make appropriate work decisions such as to, "GO to work," unless I know if they are going to require that I actually work when I get there???

It's an unspeakable outrage (credit Beth)

Anyway, that is not actually what came to my attention - what caught my attention was a post-it note that was left on my computer after I returned from yet another stupid meeting with yet another stupid group of people who want to discuss yet another issue that is really, really boring! ANYWAY, the post it note said, "driver pick up is at 0130."

So I'm like...WTF!? Driver is coming for me at 0130? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?

Then I start throwing a hissy fit and storming around in a huff.....because it's almost 10 pm and I wasn't TOLD that I was supposed to GO somewhere. WTF!?

So, I go home fuming. Josh is there and says, "did you bring your passport?" and I'm like WHAT!?

Turns out we are leaving for R&R tonight. I shit you not. We leave for VACATION tonight - we're headed to Italy for 10 glorious non-Sudan filled days.... and I TOTALLY FORGOT.

So now I've thrown a bunch of crap into a suitcase and I frankly do not care. I will simply buy new crap.

Only problem I can see is that since I wasn't actually aware that I was leaving, I have made a BUNCH of promises for crap I would take care of tomorrow.

oh well, guess they'll eventually figure out that I am not going to show up and do as promised. They should know already though. Let's face it. I introduce myself the same way every time I meet someone for a REASON....to let you know what you're in for....

I'm from the Government. I'm here to help.

2009-11-14T22:26:00.000+03:00

So I'm not sure if I've already told you my theory on how to determine whether something is good for you and you could eat as much of it that you want - or, alternatively, if it is bad for you and will make you fatter if you sit in the same room with the stuff. My theory is foolproof and this weekend I proved it yet again...and also another little known fact about healthy shit.

Begin theory:

Soft food = tastes yummy, wish you had it right now, fat ass (see donuts, cake, ice cream)
Scratchy food = healthy food, makes you gag, don't actually want to eat it (see, celery, brussel sprouts)

End theory

So anyway, this weekend I decided that I would make some bread. I know! RIGHT!? How totally wifey is that? It's very Betty Draper - although, I didn't have any cigarettes, but I did have a glass of wine (to make the kneading less annoying). However, you may recall that Josh is here. So I had to totally pretend like I cared about being healthy and nutrition and all that other BS...so I decided to make whole wheat bread, instead of fluffy white bread (that I make REALLY WELL, FYI).

Now here is where the valuable lesson comes in - not only is whole wheat bread scratchy to eat, it is scratchy to knead. So you totally know right there that it is going to be a nightmare...(spoiler alert) So i knead, look for some bandaids to cut down on the chafing - and then i set it aside to rise.

It doesn't rise. It just kinda gave a half-assed effort to puff up a bit, then it just kinda sat there.

So I still persevere. I bake that shit.

I made a loaf that weighed about as much as a big ole rock. It wasn't hard, but it was totally scratchy.

THEREFORE, my point is (and I do have one) once again scratchy shit ruined my weekend.

So there you have it: conclusive proof that scratchy, healthy food sucks. Every time. I rest my case.

2009-11-13T09:12:00.000+03:00

This last week Josh has kept me very busy ~~with his bitches~~ pointing out that there doesn't seem to be any set rules for driving in this country. My response to him? "~~Dooy ! I told you that you idiot! You NEVER listen to me!!~~ I'm sorry. It will get better." (I'm such a good wife.)

Anyway, on the off chance that you might actually end up in Khartoum (because of something bad you did) and have to drive, I figured I should document some of the rules of the road here,:

Navigating the Mean Streets of Khartoum: as I mentioned in my last post, do not assume that any road here has an official "name" that is recognized by all. I find that it is particularly useful to just go ahead and name them whatever you feel like and then tell people that is its name....but do so with AUTHORITAY.... as if the person you are giving the directions to is the idiot. Works every time. "Turn Left on Burned out Donkey Carcass Road, and then Right onto "S" road. Airport is on your right" Soon, they'll just name that shit after what you said. Trust me, it works. *unless your name is Josh, and he questions your premise... In this case, yell "LIAR!" and run away.

Stick in the Road = Certain Death. At some point in your day while driving along, minding your own business (probably singing at the top of your lungs to the new Miley Cyrus Song) you will likely see what appears to be a branch sticking out of the road. Please be advised that this tiny branch has been placed there to signal that you are going to die if you continue in this path. The Sudanese Department of Transportation has apparently done the research and has determined that a small twig (sometimes with small leaves on it, but not always - I have not determined whether the leaves indicate a level of pain that will be involved in your imminent death yet - serves as an obvious indicator that the earth has opened up in that location and a large crater is there that will swallow your entire vehicle. Another indicator is when you see a car upended into said crater (usually with a branch hanging precariously on the hood) -- that also serves as an indicator that you shouldn't drive there.

Yielding the Right of Way. There is no right of way. Just keep going and hope for the best.

Turning Left. Frankly, it's best to try to avoid having to do this - I try to just keeping making right hand turns until you end up going the way you wanted to go in the first place. HOWEVER, I understand that sometimes a left hand turn cannot be avoided. If this happens, you need to just turn directly into the traffic. If you wait, cars that are turning left from the street you intend to turn onto will all go in front of you and/or fill up the entire street you are trying to turn onto because they all want to turn first. So, I usually just close my eyes and hope for the best.

Pedestrians. Pedestrians have the right of way and feel like they should be able to walk down the middle of road and/or cross when it is convenient for them. Pedestrians are apparently not required to look before they step out into traffic and it is up to you, the driver, to avoid them. It's like playing Mariocart....but with people.....and maybe a monkey or two....
Trash in the Road. Do NOT, under any circumstances, assume that the trash you see in the road is just a piece of paper or a plastic bag. Trash can also be used to mark large jagged pieces of metal the Sudanese sometimes like to keep in the road and/or indicate a disabled car, camel or donkey up ahead. ALSO, it might be someone's stuff they're keeping for later. They get really pissed if you run over their shit.

Well, I hope this lesson has been helpful to you. Bottom line is that you probably shouldn't try to drive in Khartoum and are better off hiring a driver. I would recommend that you hire a really old, sluggish - maybe even fat driver. The driver should have a lot of experience driving in Khartoum. That way he can serve as a decoy you can out-run when you get into an accident.

Also, I like to carry US Dollars and throw them out behind me while I run away. I like to think that it will potentially slow down the crowd. This is important. Remember what continent the winners are from in the Boston Marathon!

It's almost never a diplomat from Montana.

2009-11-07T19:01:00.000+03:00

I assume he hasn't noticed that I was actually unable to lose 27 pounds in 2 weeks, or 8 months, whatever, anyway, he hasn't SAID anything - so I guess his parents raised him correctly. Although, truth be told, I've been waiting for it! So there has been a lot of "A-HAH!" Oh, you said 'where are you at'?! Okay, never mind. I just thought..no...what's that?? A-HAH! What? oh, never mind." I gotta tell you, even I almost feel for him at this point.

What he has voiced, HOWEVER, is his utter disdain for my ability to tell him how to get places. Apparently, former marines do not understand my obviously superior direction giving abilities such as:

Okay, you leave our house and you can go right or left, I usually go right- because if you go left, there is this big pile of trash that smells like ass at the end, and if you get stuck there making a left, your car will tend to smell like ass for the rest of the trip - ass smell tends to linger you know - so I go right, but then you have to go left again when you get to that one fruit stand that has the guy that wears the dirty man-dress, or, it's just brown colored. I'm not really sure -- anyway, go left there, but then you have to go right just past that one building that I think might be a bank or a car dealership - or, it might be an office - I don't know, but it has a green strip along the side and you know if you've gone too far if you hit the pile of tires that are all stacked up by the mooley-liki sign, well, I'm not really sure what the name is of that place, but there is a sign that I think says mooley-liki in Arabic, but I don't really speak Arabic, so I might have made that up. Then you drive and drive until you get to the next road that is paved, but not the first paved one, the second paved one - I call it "little palm tree road" because it has little wee palm trees in the middle, like babies, you know, or midgets...well little palm trees, I think they like to be called little now, not midgets because that's rude. Anyway, you go right...no, left...well, maybe left..yeah, no..it's right. Go right, the store is right there. You can't miss it.

Seriously, how easy is that??

But he keeps asking blatently silly questions like - "Do I go North or South?" WTF!? How the hell would I know!? There is no way of knowing. It's unknowable.

So then he gets all extra-patient like, and speaks slower and enunciates all clearly as if English were a second language and says, "If you were looking at the map, are you heading toward the top or the bottom of it?" Which is such a stupid question because everybody knows you have to turn the map to face it which ever direction you are currently going because how the hell would you know which way you are supposed to turn if you don't??

Anyway, who uses a map?? I just know how to get places. I usually get lost, stop and ask for directions (which never work) but it usually gets me to somewhere I think I know where I am, and then I just keep driving until you hit the Nile (or Chad) and then viola, you can find your way home.

What?

So, my point is, it's going to be a bit of an adjustment (for Josh). I wish him the best of luck. It has to be hard, living with a selfless saint, such as myself.

He'll settle.

2009-11-04T21:36:00.000+03:00

Okay, so it has come to my attention that perhaps it is not the best idea to base your demands for prescription drugs from commercials. Although I fully realize that this totally sounds like crazy talk,I am here to (once again) perform my public service by educating you guys on shit I do wrong so that you don't have to face the same humiliation that I do on a daily basis.

Is it just me, or does it seem like I'm CONSTANTLY learning yet another valuable lesson about something or other?? I'm frankly not really sure what it was that my parents actually taught me when I was a child -- although to be fair, most of time, I wasn't really listening. Perhaps I should have paid more attention. Like when they went over the whole metric system thing when I was in the 6th grade... Do you remember that?? We had some big scare about how the USA was going to have to switch to the metric system because all the cool kids in Europe were doing it, so we tried for about a week or so until everyone realized it was just too hard and involved a lotta math, so we went back to our own shit and called it a day. ALTHOUGH, it would be nice if I could figure out how fast I'm going when I'm driving around town here or what the temperature is outside...I just always assume it's 152 degrees. Seems about right.

ANYWAY, my point was...I was chatting with my Internet Pharmacist -- who has a great blog, even though she no longer does Pharmacy Friday because apparently, she was worried someone was going to sue her (although it might be because I told her I was going to sue her unless she sends me a box of unmarked adderall), and she pointed out that perhaps I should not create my list of Rx drugs I want based upon how happy the people look in the commercials. (Which I frankly thought was a great plan. I want THAT kinda happy!) Then she proceeded to EXPLAIN to me that Levitra is similar to Viagra and maybe I didn't want to be announcing to the world that I wanted some Adderall, a smigeon of Ambien, and a side of Levitra (you know, just to take the edge off). SO NOW APPARENTLY, I am supposed to LOOK UP what these drugs DO before I demand someone give me some.

Like I have that kinda time to be looking up what drugs do before I take them.

Frankly, I should be suing those damn pharmaceutical companies who make those commercials! Now, not only am I humiliated because now the rest of the Embassy likely assumes I have some kind of erectile dysfunction, but I'm also emotionally traumatized because I thought those old people were just happy because that old guy didn't DIE from something....So of course, I wanted something that would make me not DIE! (I mean, who wouldn't?!?!?) But now, I'm forced to think about OLD PEOPLE doing the dirty dirty when they can barely walk anymore, and that guy might actually die of something, but we'll never know because he's all happy and I'm too embarrassed to even look at him anymore, let alone try to diagnose his symptoms with my primary care physician, WebMD.....

Now, thanks to that stupid commercial, I can't even look the old people here in Khartoum in the eye anymore, on the off chance that they might be smiling because they have some Levitra in their mandress pocket! I get all flustered, so I end up throwing a handful of business cards at them, then I yell, "LIAR!" and I run away.

Dear Internet Pharmacist,

I need some Vallium.

I am almost 32% positive that is what I need. But math is hard, so I defer to you to set my appropriate percentage.

Signed,
Desperately Seeking to Avoid Old People

2009-11-03T07:03:00.001+03:00

Honestly, I really feel I have to address this topic publicly in my blog, because it sorta makes my head explode when I hear people (whom I assumed were educated, rational adults or, as I like to call them, non-foreigners) spout their nonsense about some kind of secret government conspiracy aimed at doing one thing or the other. Usually, the theory starts in some email that someone forwards me -- Although, to be fair most of my emails come from my dad, but I totally forgive him because he is not really a "typer," he's more of a "fwd'er" and likely doesn't really read what he sends me, because he kinda takes after me (or would that be the other way around?? One can never really know) and is likely too lazy to read to the end where it says that the US government is plotting to steal your babies and feed them to the stray dingos in Sudan - but only if your babies are those unfortunate babies who fall into the lower tax brackets, but also have carrot-red hair and freckles because dingos prefer tender freckled babies.

However, I say to the people who buy into these theories who are NOT my dad:

Seriously???

Have you ever actually MET a government worker?? Have you ever been inside a government building? Have you read this blog?? I'm pretty much the cream of the crop of the mediocrity that is government service. Then, when you start talking about this big secret plot, have you actually thought it all the way through? PUH-LEASE!

Have you seen how many forms you have to fill out to get GSO to come over to fix something that was not on your form and then they realize that they didn't bring your form, so they just wander around your house and move something around to make it look like they were there doing GSO-ey stuff?? Have you seen how hard it is just to get a shitty pen made by blind people that will only write for about 2 lines? So difficult that you finally just bring a pen from home! (Wait! that actually may be a secret government plot to prevent its workers from stealing pens and saving money on buying new pens....I'm going to look into it FIRST THING!)

The Finance people would make us get three bids from the evil plotters, and then we'd end up going with the lowest bidder who probably wasn't really "evil" so much as just kinda cranky and unattractive...

Methinks we're just not that competent. Believe me, I've met me. I'm not that good.

I was in Pakistan from 1999. During that time, someone started a rumor that if you were physically in the USA when the ball dropped in 2000, you would automatically be granted citizenship. Ridiculous, right? I mean, did they think the USG was going to hire a bunch of of the old bell ringers from Christmas to go around handing out green cards in Times Square? Why the hell would anyone believe this?

We had to close the Consular section in Islamabad because we were mobbed with visa applicants.

SO, unless you want me to start lumping you in with the masses of unwashed visa applicants, stop with the conspiracy theories!! If I have learned one thing in my wasted years of USG service: The Government may actually WANT to pull off all these evil plots, but it's frankly not competent enough, we're too lazy to fill out all the required memos and forms, and a conspiracy would be leaked to the press within 4 minutes of someone cooking it up.

Besides, everyone knows that ANY EVIL PLOT is the work of Canada. Now we just need to figure out how to prove it!

2009-11-02T20:43:00.000+03:00

So I received this at work today from someone who sent it to me and asked if I had written them....WTF!? Where on earth do people come up with their theories? This is sooo, not anything I would say! However, kudos goes to whomever came up with it!
-------------------------------------------------------------------

-- I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story, that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

-- I don't understand the purpose of the phrase, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter??

-- Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the vicinity thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-- There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic bags full of groceries in each hand, than take 2 trips to bring them in from the car.

-- I think part of my BFF's job should be to immediately clear your computer history, and erase your iPod and Kindle if you die.

-- Was learning cursive really necessary??

-- I have a hard time deciphering that fine line between boredom and hunger.

-- Answering the same letter more than three times in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely terrifying.

-- Whenever someone says, "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart," all I hear is, "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."

-- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod your head and smile because you STILL didn't hear what they said??

-- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jackass from cutting in at the front! Stay strong, brothers!!

-- Mapquest really needs to start their directions at #5. I am pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

-- Bad decisions make good stories.

-- Why is it during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get all nervous and freaked out? Like, I know my name, I know where I am from....this shouldn't be a problem!

-- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

-- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart another collection.

-- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good, and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-- Sometimes I will look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and STILL not know what time it is.

-- I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet that on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Bud Light than Kay.

2009-11-01T21:40:00.000+03:00

Well, I'd just like to state for the record, that if the schedule I'm currently working here in Sudan keeps up like this, I'm going to have to start redefining my definition of a "serving" of red wine to be more in keeping with my definition of a "serving" of coffee (i.e. one pot equals one serving) so that I can fill out my health questionnaire accordingly (and when I say "accordingly" I mean so they don't send someone they call a "trained medical professional" out to escort me home).

Apparently, I don't know when to keep my big mouth shut and I spouted off to everyone I know about how great my new "cake diplomacy" is working here in Sudan. As it turns out, anyone who draws attention to themselves in Sudan gets to "take the lead" and pursue progress. Pursue progress....WTF does that mean?? As a rule of thumb, I don't pursue anything! I figure, if it is meant to be, it will happen, and by "happen" i mean, happen to someone else so that I can continue my quest to only pretend to work and not actually under-take any work per se.

Do you see my dilemma??

So now I'm being forced to talk to foreigners AND listen to what it is they have to say, even though I am not really interested in their blather and almost all of it has literally NOTHING to do with me! Believe me, I've totally tried bringing the conversation back to interesting topics such as me, my friends, or my situation. But they KEEP talking about US/Sudan relations and how the Government of Sudan wants something and are willing to do something else, but then I noticed this really big spider in the corner and sorta freaked out because it seemed to be jogging (yes, it was waay more than walking, although it didn't really have any special shoes, or a camelback for hydration, so MAYBE it was trotting) in my general direction. Naturally, I didn't want to overreact and cause panic in the meeting, so I tried to discretely lift both my legs up off of the floor and climb up into the chair Indian Style (yes, I can say that. I'm part American Indian - unless you're all offended that I was claiming it was South Asian Indian style, but I'm not even sure what that style would be, so rest assured I was going for the feather, not dot style).

But then the spider stopped. He initiated what I assumed was a Sudanese Standoff (which I assume is much like a Mexican Standoff, but only with a Sudanese flair, like maybe it would get out its turban and then drive on the wrong side of the road - I just don't know as it was my first Sudanese Standoff). So I slowly put my legs down again....and I waited...

And then again I noticed that these people NEVER stop talking. Can't they read the signs of my abject terror?! That I was just seconds away from being killed where I sat?? (I can only assume Sudanese spiders are also Godless killing machines like the African Snakes. Rivaled only by zombies.)

So then the spider stood his ground for about another minute (or maybe an hour, I can't really be sure) and then he turned around and sauntered into a corner under a bookshelf. Although I managed to make it out of there alive (This time!), I have vowed that I will NEVER return. Therefore, I am intend to use Josh's arrival in Khartoum as the reason I cannot go back to that office, and hopefully, they'll forget about me. OR, in the alternative, I will simply demand to meet in a neutral location, free from the Sudanese Spider Menace.

SO ANYWAY, that explains why I am now drinking red wine in bottle-sized servings. Therefore, I would appreciate it if you would be a lamb, and redefine a "serving" of alcohol to reflect one shot of liquor, one bottle of beer, and one bottle of wine is equal to one serving.

You will have my deepest appreciation.

2009-10-28T22:37:00.000+03:00

No, that's not the subject of this post - that's just a fun fact I thought you needed to know. It's all part of my new segment entitled, "Getting to Know Michel Better than you Ever Wanted To and all with Facts You Already Probably Knew." It's gonna be a hit fo sho!

Okay, so I was chatting with Liz today, and I was telling her all about my day and, after I noticed that Liz was continuing on her conversation while I had my own - it's why we're BFF's. Because we understand and accept that the other is likely not listening. It's the beauty of our friendship -- when I realized that it has been a while since I have posted about my day here. And I am sure you want to have a snapshot of the exciting world of (my version of) how diplomacy works.

Here you go: Today, I went to a meeting with a very nice Sudanese man in his office. There I was, minding my own business, pretending to listen, and having a nice conversation that actually sounded kinda like I knew what I was talking about and I was even throwing in a few big words there for good measure to demonstrate my smarticity.

And then his assistant brings in the tray of amenities for the meeting. It was a big tray of 2 cups of tea, one piece of what looked like USDA approved chocolate cake and what also appeared to be a Cinnabon Cinnamon roll.

So then I'm all distracted, right?! Because HOLY SHIT! Was that a CINNABON! It totally smelled warm and toasty. So i can't really focus on what he is saying, and the man just kept on talking....but I can't even listen because I now have this raging internal debate in my head where I am trying to game out whether I should go for the chocolate cake or the Cinnabon - because they were on two separate plates. I mean, the cake was clearly a larger portion, and had what appeared to be fudge frosting on the top, but the Cinnabon was warm and smelled like heaven.

It was a Damned Diplomatic Dilemma!!!

So then, as he is talking I'm trying to game out which one he will likely go for, and should I make a run for it, because everybody knows that Cinnamon rolls are notoriously iffy. They are either REALLY GOOD, or taste like bread. But it's UNPOSSIBLE to tell by looking at it...you gotta try it, and hope for the best. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, I've been burned by foreign cakes before. They look all tastylicious, but when you bite into it, there was obviously no sugar involved in the baking process, but for some reason there is a lotta what tastes like white bread with crisco, in it instead of sugar.

So then the man appeared to realize that I was staring intently at the table and not at him - and he says, "Would you like some tea?"

TEA? NO I DON'T WANT ANY TEA! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

Although I was screaming this on the inside, I am a trained professional, so on the outside I said, "Oh, thank you. That would be lovely. What? Oh, no. No sugar. I am not a big sugar fan."

So then I'm really freaked now out because, WTF!? WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT!? What if he offers me the damn cinnamon roll because he KNOWS there is no damn sugar in it and I'll be stuck with a piece of dry bread with crisco on top while he scarfs down the cakilicious chocolatty goodness in front of me!

But he just hands me my sugarless tea and then grabs his fork and says, "Shall we?" But then I realized that the chocolate cake was closer to him, and it totally appeared to me at the time that he was going to for it. So, unable to control myself when faced with sugarless tepid tea and a stupid cinnamon roll, I grabbed my fork like I was in some kinda gansta gunfight, and then made an awkward lunge toward the cake.

I honestly think I might have freaked him out a little.

He goes, "Please. You like chocolate? Help yourself." (I totally swear I heard sarcasm) So then I said, "Oh no, I don't care. I like both the same " (WTF?! WHAT KIND OF STUPID LIE IS THAT!? Seriously! Now I'm starting to get pissed at myself! What the hell is wrong with me?)

So, then he says, "Why don't we just put them both on the same plate and we will share. ... and it will be the start of sharing between our countries."

February 28, 2009, at 11:22 am; the official time diplomatic relations were severed.

I think I have already articulated my feelings about sharing. I DO NOT SHARE! What part of that is not clear?

So then I'm torn between how to respond diplomatically to yet another touchy foreign relations situation. -- I mean, do I throw the cinnamon roll at him and storm out of there in a huff? Or do I just take huge bites of the cake (as if I were back on the "healthy living" plan that I was on (back in the day) when I decided that I was going to allow myself to have dessert, but I would limit myself to three bites of it, and then I pretty much figured out how to eat an entire piece of cake in three bites.)?? I mean, my options were pretty limited at this point and the fate of US-Sudanese relations were resting in my hands!

I KNOW! How exciting is this story!?!?

So then I take a bite of the cake - and it ROCKS. So, emboldened now, I take a bite of the Cinnamon Roll and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, that might be CINNABON! Obviously, I now suspect that Sudanese Government is working on a secret Cheesecake Factory Program with a Cinnabon research institute. I mean, there are a lot of indications here.

And then I hear this noise in the background, and I realize that he is actually talking to me and may have been talking to me the whole time while I was trying to determine whether the stuff really was that good, or whether I just too far removed from the real thing - like you know how that sugar free jello pudding is really yummy unless and until you taste the sugared up jello pudding? just like that....

So then I wonder for a minute if he might have said something that maybe I should have paid attention to, like, "We intend to go to war with America and I want you to know why." Or, "I showed the terrorists where you live, they said they'll be there Tuesday." But then I figured that if it was important enough, he'd tell me again.

So then, he puts down his fork and sits back on the couch to continue his discussion and I totally had free reign of the desserts. And like some kind of tourettes victim, I blurted out, "HA! I totally get the frosting! SUCKAH"

True story. I shit you not (on this one).

And he was silent... and he stared at me... and I think his mouth might have been hanging open....

And he said totally deadpan, "Typical American! Taking the best part and leaving Sudan with the dry leftovers."

So then I was silent... and stared at him... and my mouth might have been hanging open...

And then he laughed. And then I told him that he scared me because I was never good at cake metaphors! And we both congratulated ourselves our on ability to solve tense situations with our dessertey wisdom.

And then he tells me that he has always loved American cakes since he went to school in the States. SO naturally, he's my new BFF (Sorry Liz, but this man speaks "Cake" fluently.) Plus, we also agreed that words like committmmenntt and itinerariarary were too hard to try to spell, so we would just try use smaller, easier words -- So I learned something very valuable today being overseas, living in a different culture: NOBODY can spell that shit! It's not just me.

Spell Check -- making government employees all over the world appear smarter since 1996.

2009-10-27T08:10:00.000+03:00

Okay, before I begin, I totally cannot seem to grasp the rules of Capitalization in Titles. (See?? I capped it like I think it should be done, and when it is all short and shit, it's pretty easy - but what if there was a "then" in that, or a "you"?? Do those get capitalized?? WTF grammar police!? Where are you when I need you?) PLUS, titles are hard. You totally gotta try to be all creative and make some pithy reference that makes sense for what you're going to talk about - and that means you have to know what you're going to talk about - It's frankly exhausting. AND, as you all probably know by now, I'm waaay too lazy to look that shit up and read through to the end - Therefore, I'm just going to capitalize random words and call it a day. And I will likely also continue my love affair with run-on sentences too. Deal with it.

Soooo, last night I'm driving home after working really late at the stupid embassy and I had a little wee bit o' road rage. Turns out, I should probably get a driver to take me home when I'm really tired and crabby. (For future reference and the state of relations between the US and Sudan, someone write that down). ANYWAY, in Sudan they don't actually obey any traffic laws and there is no courtesy driven social contract. These people just effin go, and they drive on whatever side of the road they feel is most convenient. I get that. I usually just take advantage of that and do whatever the hell I want. In truth, I was kinda enjoying having no speed limit, obeying traffic lights if you feel the mood coming on - but last night...i'd had enough.

So I'm turning left onto some road whose name can never be known because Sudan has not decided on a name for its streets yet. Everyone calls it whatever the hell they feel like. So for your reference, it was the road just past the burned out donkey carcass and just before the large pile of tires near the airport....(are you with me?) SO anyway, I make a run for it when there is a break in traffic and there is a little amjat (which is like a little wee van-bus) that decides HE wants to turn left and goes out onto the side of the road that I am trying to turn. SO THEN that guy gets PISSED AT ME because apparently, I didn't get the memo that he has the effin right of way because he is in a hurry.

So he starts yelling out the window and waving his arm at me. he's all fired up.

So what did I do?? I stopped the car in the middle of the street. I had to GET OUT because the windows do not roll down in my stupid armored car, which is very frustrating, fyi - and I screamed at him, asking what the hell is his problem, and would he like to explain to me why the hell he thinks he should be allowed to turn from MY SIDE of the road. And I pretty much created a scene. However, that guy didn't speak english, so he just stared at me like I was "mashnuna" (crazy lady) and then he got pulled over by the traffic cop.

I think I scared the shit out of him. He totally didn't see that one coming.

ANYWAY, my point is that when I headed back to my car, I realized that I had Miley Cyrus' new song that OH MY GODDESS made me listen to and then got me hooked, so it is not my fault. She's a pusher -- blaring out of the Ipod over the car stereo and it was pretty loud.

So I would like to apologize to America for giving the Sudanese population that the American people are all a bunch of teen aged girls.

Nobody could have known. It was unknowable.

2009-10-25T19:42:00.000+03:00

It has come to my attention that you have "fixed" the dryer in my residence. I sincerely appreciate your assistance in this regard, however, I would like to note that my dryer was not broken. Rather, it was the washing machine. As I specified in the work order I submitted approximately 3 weeks ago, wherein I included the technical description of the problem that the middle thingey is not spinning in the spin cycle. I guess I should also clarify that the miggle thingey is also not spinning during the wash cycle. As a result, the clothes do not actually wash so much as soak up water and make laundry soap crystals on the clothing.

I would also like to bring to your attention that my dryer no longer works after you fixed it. Although I fully admit I am not a qualified washer/dryer repairman, perhaps the dryer did not need a middle thingey to be fixed? But this is just a guess on my part.

In addition, I would like to just raise a few more issues for you to consider when you finally do come to my residence to repair both the washer and the dryer:

* When I commented that the AC in the bedroom does not cool the upstairs, I was not asking you to send someone over to turn down the main thermostat to 42 degrees farenheit in order to cool the bedroom. Granted, the bedroom was markedly cooler; however, there were snow flurries in the living room. Perhaps we could come to a better solution?

* When I asked someone to check out the AC splitpack unit in the kitchen because I thought there was a bird or something equally scary running around inside it, I did not mean for you to simply plug up the hole on the outside. What I wanted, and perhaps I should have been more clear, was for you to remove said animal from INSIDE the unit and THEN plug up the hole. Please return soonest to remove the AC Monster (because God only knows what part of Africa got in there when we weren't looking) before it DIES in there and I demand a new house because this one will be too yucky to live in anymore.

* My request for storage for towels and soaps has been filled. However, for your future reference, pretty much nobody puts a dresser in a bathroom these days. Perhaps you should consider other storage options? I hear IKEA has some nifty options that can be easily assembled by someone who is not me.

Once again, I appreciate your continued assistance in this regard and look forward to your new and half-assed solutions to my housing needs.

Best regards,

Michel

2009-10-24T15:05:00.000+03:00

So I thought I would post a post with good news for a change. One where I was NOT ranting and raving about some unspeakable outrage perpetrated against me by someone. I KNOW, right?!? Exciting change of pace for me!

But then I was blocked from Blogger for the last three days. I would try to go to my homepage and it would give me this big error message I assume was about why it didn't want me to write a nice post for you guys, but it was all in Arabic except for the words "Blogger Help Group", but then I wasn't going to go join some 12 step blogging program and have them ask me to stand up in front of the crowd and explain my problem, "Hi. I'm Michel. I'm unable to log onto blogger for some reason that can never be known because it is all in Arabic and I can't read Arabic, well, technically I can read the letters and the numbers, but I don't know what they MEAN unless it says some sort of greeting or is calling me a crazy lady (Which I don't think it was, but I gotta admit I didn't look that closely to really check b/c that is a LOTTA work)" and then have some jackass ask me why I didn't ask someone at the Embassy who does speak arabic (your neighbor perhaps, who speaks it fluently) translate it for me - because then I would have to go into the whole why I'm so lazy thing and that tends to take FOREVER and then people are not so willing to help me when they know that most of my problem is simply because I was too lazy to do anything and had decided to just wait it out because I was sure that eventually, our blogging standoff would come to an end. (Someone check! That might have been the biggest run-on sentence EVER!)

But I was right. I ignored it and my blogging embargo was ended.

SO, I'm here to tell you some good news (following a small rant that was none of my doing). . . I found ALL the babies homes. It is amazing what one bawl-baby diplomat can accomplish. I should actually think about using this skill in my official meetings. The Sudanese will be so uncomfortable that I am crying in their office that they might actually sign all the peace agreements just to get me to leave! Admit it!! It's BRILLIANT!!! (Seriously, I'm going to try it - I managed to get one man to take all 3 dingos so they wouldn't be alone!!! You know what they say, "If it ain't broke! Don't fix it!" )

So this morning I went out to say goodbye to the babies (which I have been doing for the last 3 days, frankly because I cannot seem to tell when the people say they are coming to pick them up, and I don't want to be caught off guard and not have snuggled them before they left me) and little Stinky's eyes have opened. Both he and Squeaker are now able to kinda walk - although they keep falling over because their bellies are so big that I think it unbalances them. They honestly might be the fattest babies in all of Sudan. The guards seem to think they are amazingly big....So here are your last pics of the babies!

Stinky, eating (again) -- He totally takes after me!

Although you can't really tell, Squeaker (the all brown one) is totally complaining and that little guy is LOUD! (He was pissed that Stinky was touchin' him) . . . He also totally takes after me because I don't like people bothering me when I'm trying to nap either!

So, goodbye sweet Pippy, Riley and Jinglebells....Goodbye sweet Stinky and Squeaker....Goodbye Smelly Pirate Whore Mommy Dog! I think I may miss you most of all!!

2009-10-21T22:53:00.000+03:00

So I'll copy this email I received and hope you "enjoyed" it as much as I did.....

Looks Good; right???

DO YOU EAT HERSHEY CHOCOLATE?

We were raised on HERSHEY chocolate as kids and even into adulthood. I will never eat it again. I hope from now on you will throw yours away whenever you are given any. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.

This is what happens when you eat HERSHEY chocolate!

THIS IS A MEDICAL WARNING!!

It could happen to you, your family and friends!!

HERSHEY Chocolate can cause

SMALL FEET!!

Warn everyone!!

2009-10-20T07:43:00.000+03:00

Well, I think we all knew this day was coming -- and I was just hoping I could ignore it, and it would go away (which is how I like to solve all my problems, frankly) -- but the Embassy has found out that we have been harboring a pack of dingos in the housing compound. Apparently, that is not allowed on USG property. So, we have to now either take them into our houses and let them out only on a leash, or find them homes.

Yes, you heard me. Apparently, we have leash laws in Sudan now too. Soon, they won't let us drink and drive here or self-medicate on prescription drugs you bought at the local pharmacy because you saw an ad on the internet where the people looked like they were happy and thin. (Now I realize that I should probably READ the articles where it tells you what the drug is FOR, but I'm more of a big picture person. I can't let myself get bogged down in the details.)

Normally, you'd think I would be despondent. I have about 10 days to find homes for 6 stray dingos. Some of you new to this blog might not be aware that I am a crazy dog lady and wouldn't remember that I actually got into a HUGE fight with my hubby when we watched a Discovery channel special about a super-volcano eruption when he told me that, No, he wasn't going to get a "special mask" for Kernel and Jack to use when we had to walk to Ohio to save ourselves. I KNOW! RIGHT??

Shit! I'm still mad. HATEFUL!

That reminds me, I really should get a special mask made for doggie noses and send them to the guy who is taking care of the boys in the States. You never know when a huge volcano will erupt and you have to walk to Ohio.

So anyway, I'm actually NOT despondent because I have a plan. Well, a few plans. (My plans don't always seem to work....) I've already convinced the local guard who loved the Smelly Pirate Ho Mommy Dog to take her and the babies. (And a 50 lb bag of dogfood). So there's three down in just one day. Now we intend to harass the others (who like the babies) to take them home with them and just let them run around their yards. I can totally do this. Even the local guards are freaking out that we cannot let them run around in the street because the Sudanese Government will have them killed. Someone will take them.

Who wouldn't want little Pippy, Riley and Jinglebells?!?!?!

In hindsight, we probably should have trained them to do some kinda circus tricks so that they could earn a living.

2009-10-19T07:52:00.000+03:00

You know the old adage about where if you say something enough times that you start to believe it and then it comes true?? What? Is that just me? Is that not an adage? Wait.... Maybe I don't know what the hell an adage is....

ANYWAY, so I was spouting my "justifications" about how my clothes were all shrinking and how I wasn't getting fat, but it was actually society that was labeling me. WELL, last night I received the new clothes I ordered in the mail.

Which reminds me....I started ordering crap strategically in stages so that I would ALWAYS be getting mail, but the stupid effin mail fairy has been holding everything and then giving me this big ole pile of boxes - which, at first, is all waaay cool because, I have a big ole pile o'boxes! but then, it's not as cool because you realize you have to bring all those boxes into the house and carry them from the car while you dodge the dingos you thought were soooo adorable when they were babies and wondered what could possibly go wrong if you allowed them into the housing compound to just live in the yard. (Note to self: You are not dog whisperer. You are not cut out to raise a pack of wild dingos.) SO THEN, after you open the first box and you're like, "Yaay! air fresheners! (listen people! Don't you judge me until you come here! This place is effin stinky! You'd totally say that too!) But then you're like..."oh, air fresheners...yeah..that's cool. Smells nice." SO you rip into the next box and you're like, "Yaay! thank you cards." then you come to your senses and you remember that you're lazy and don't like to write thank you cards and now you have no excuse NOT to write a thank you card.

You realize you just might hate the mail fairy! That bitch.

So anyway, my point -- where was I going with this?? Oh! So I get a box from Ann Taylor, which is REALLY a "YAAY" and I go running upstairs to see what I ordered. (Actually, that is kinda a good thing. It takes so long for shit to get here that you totally forget what you ordered so it is a big ole surprise when you get it and you're like, WOW! I really like this! Wonder who ordered it?!)

And then I try them on....They're all a little big. (but nobody panic, I'm sure they will shrink to unwearable size within four days. I've decided I need to just order disposable clothes...)

SO the moral of this story (or adage) is that if you tell yourself (and others) a lie enough times, it will totally come true.

Feel free to pass that wisdom onto your kids.

PS I'm totally rich and can quit this job.....

2009-10-18T07:32:00.000+03:00

As you may or may not recall, about a month and a half ago I was on this big ole kick where I was going to lose weight and exercise because Josh is going to be arriving here in Khartoum in November and I figured it would be nice if I were somewhat the same sized person I was when he left. However, then I got to Sudan and was left unattended and there were some boxes of Little Debbie's that arrived here, then the water started to shrink my clothes, and the Sudanese shove your face with food because they think fat chicks are hot here, so they tell me I need to eat. (I KNOW! You'd totally think I would appreciate this fact more, wouldn't you? Go figure!)

So now I have no idea whether or not I'm normal anymore because I've lost my frame of reference. It's not like I can just go into Ann Taylor or some other store and try on clothes that I figure are my size (which will never be spoken aloud, thank you very much!) to see if they still fit!!

So then I spoke to Josh last night and was like..."Oh, you'll be here soon, that will be so great. How much longer is it now? Three? Four weeks??"

Turns out, (and this may shock you all) November is about 2 weeks away. WTF!? When did this happen??

So now, since I can't really figure out what kind of damage I have done being unattended for the last 7 months or so, I just have to take a guess and assume I need to lose about 73 pounds in 2 weeks. Or maybe it was 23? With all these metric figures running around I have no idea what is needed.

So this morning I got up to exercise, I put on my clothes, got out my stuff, started up the iPod playing so that I would be all entertained -- and then I decided I needed coffee. So I made a pot of coffee -- because you can't just exercise when you're tired. It's EARLY.

So then as I was drinking my coffee I realized that I was supposed to make and bring garlic bread to the office today because we were having a going away lunch for a lady that was here temporarily working. So I got out all the stuff to make bread.

Then I remembered that you have to let the bread rise for like 1-2 hours before you bake it for another 30 mins or more and that it was 0630.

So then I put away all the stuff for bread and gathered up the stuff to make storebought bread into garlic bread and packed it for work.

Then I remembered that I was supposed to be exercising

Then I looked at the clock and it was now 0730 (obviously bread math takes me longer than the normal person to do) and that I needed to get ready for work.

Then I remembered that I had not written and blog or read anyone's blogs for a full week now and felt really guilty...SO here I am at my computer in my exercise gear writing this blog about how I am not exercising.

SOOOOO, my point is...It is pretty much all YOUR fault that I am going to be fat when Josh arrives.

Therefore, I'd really appreciate it if you would all write me a note to excuse my fattiness and remind Josh that he married me in Sickness and in Health (the sickness coming first to remind him that my inherent laziness is a sickness and needs medical help to cure me).

Thanks. I really appreciate it.

In return, I will try to be a better blogger. (I'm still lazy though. See the whole blog above. I probably can't be trusted... DOOY!)

2009-10-13T22:20:00.000+03:00

Thanks to everyone who sent me accusatory emails asking why I didn't bother to inform you all that I was dead - pointing out that it is RUDE to simply die and not tell people you planned to do so in advance. I did, indeed, make a note of it.

However, I am NOT dead. I am brain dead, but that is a bit different. As I think I mentioned, much like how it is USG holiday season, it is also National Day Season here in Khartoum. Honestly, we have 3 months where it is one National Day after another and then a circa 5 month dry spell where you have to plan your own activities and potentially PAY for booze. I find this to be an unspeakable outrage and should not be tolerated.

Therefore, in order to avoid this in the future, I would like to ask a small favor of, say, South Korea, Spain and Saudi Arabia. Would you please be a lamb and move your national Days to the months of March, May and June respectively? I'd REALLY appreciate that. You're not wedded to those days right?? It's not like it's the 4th of July or something like that! SOMETHING important.....because we can't move ours because it is an important day. I'm not sure why you thought 04 October was so cool, but it will help me plan my weeks better and will ensure that I am not cranky if you could just move it.

Thanks! I think we can all agree that nobody wants me to be cranky. It's just better for all involved.

ANYWAY, the reason why I have been out of touch is because I am now a single mom.

Yes, you heard me. I now have parenting responsibilities in addition to my regular "being the face of America" duties. (You know, now that I put it like that, I realize that I should probably think about combing my hair on a regular basis..whatever...)

So meet our new babies!! I have found a for-sure home for one of them, and am looking for someone to take the other.

Unfortunately, there was a third little baby who died this afternoon. He was kinda deformed and wasn't eating. I briefly considered taking him into work with me and making everyone in the office feed him with a eye dropper as part of their "other duties as assigned," but then I remembered that you're not allowed to bring your pets into the Embassy...so I devised this elaborate plan where I would make a little vest that said DEA on the outside and would tell everyone he was a bomb/drug dog, but then I realized that there aren't really that many bomb/drug sniffing dogs that are 3 days old. (there's always a catch, isn't there!) But I still think I could have bluffed my way through this - I mean who really KNOWS about training bomb dogs...maybe smelly pirate ho mommy dogs can pass that info on the womb...they don't know!

Anyway, it was very sad for us - the local guards and I buried the baby and made a little marked grave for him in the housing compound (in the guy from USAID's yard, I'm sure he would want us to have that there...granted, he wasn't home, but still...)

I feel awful, but I think it is better that I didn't try to save him - mostly because he would have ended up in my house as a pet and I think Josh would likely leave me. (I've been given strict instructions not to adopt anymore strays. However, define adopt...) In my defense, however, meet my enabler:

Smelly Pirate Ho Mommy-Dog....

LOOK AT THAT LITTLE FACE!? You can't call her a whore and abandon her?! SO, my new plan is to turn to a life of crime - but ORGANIZED crime so that I can make big money and then make an orphanage for stray pets....and maybe buy some shoes. (I like shoes too.) And maybe some candy.

Damnitt!! You know I'd totally squander all my ill gotten gains on candy and shoes and then the poor puppies would end up back on the street selling tricks for a piece of chicken.

I'm going to need to devise a plan B.

2009-10-07T19:45:00.000+03:00

Turns out, it is no longer cool to pour yourself a drink in the workplace during working hours - EVEN if you think it is a good idea and you think it will help you get through the rest of the day listening to your whiny co-workers and random people who call you on the phone and open with "I need a favor!" I believe that starting with "Hello Michel. How are you? This is blah blah" might help your chances of getting said favor (but likely won't.)

So after my atrocious day (and I'm really not even sure why -- I just know I didn't like it) I looked up at my little post-it note I stuck to my computer that said, WWDDD? (what would Donald Draper Do?) and promptly realized that what I am MISSING is a drink! A drink would make everything better - you know, take the edge off.....

So I went on a mission to find myself a drink. First of all, Why in God's Name do we have PIMMS in the office?? Who let the British into our Embassy?? Plus, WTF IS that stuff?! For the record, Donald Draper would NEVER drink PIMMS. It even sounds sissy! (No offense pimms drinkers, well, technically you're sissy, but still...it's rude to say so. I should only think that INSIDE not say it outside.)

And then I found it: SCOTCH. Not just any scotch, but a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label that I forgot I bought for my hubby when I was bored at Duty Free in Dubai and couldn't figure out the conversion rate so I just figured it was a good deal because it was free of duty. God only knows how much duty adds to a product. Obviously, the conditions were perfect for the purchase.

So I found a little glass (of course, it was a juice glass - so it kinda ruined the whole Donald Draper effect) and I poured myself a scotch rocks and after my co-workers confirmed that yes, I was having a drink...yes, I knew it was only 4 pm and yes, I can and will have this drink while I am sitting at my desk in a non-happy hour situation - I took a big ole swig!

That shit is NOT yummy!

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH DONALD DRAPER!? I'm considering breaking up with him and no longer telling everyone he is my boyfriend. But then I remembered: that was Josh's scotch!

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH JOSH!?

I wonder what Pimms tastes like...

2009-10-06T22:31:00.000+03:00

So remember back in the day, when I posted the pictures of the rains and the floods in Sudan? When I was searching for materials and instructions to build an ark?? Remember also how the doctor told me to take malaria medication, but then I was all "I don't need that shit! It's a desert!" But then I got bit by a mosquito so then I assumed I was going to die, so then I immediately bought those Off! Wipes?? But then I lived, so I promptly forgot to use them?

Remember that?? (NO!? Pay attention!! I shouldn't have to say this shit twice - although, technically I probably repeat myself four or five times because I forget who I told what because I don't even listen to me...)

ANYWAY, today the Embassy doc was briefing everyone on the multiple cases of cerebral malaria here in Khartoum after those damn rains! WTF!?!? Apparently, we were supposed to be taking the malaria medication more than once. SOMEONE REALLY NEEDS TO TELL US THIS SHIT (more than once).

So anyway, after my rounds of National Days (which still haven't ended, fyi) I noticed that I have approximately 72 mosquito bites on my ankles and feet (stupid sandals!) I can only assume I will be dead within the week. WHY? Because the stupid nurse handed us a hand out (WHY won't they learn that I cannot be given documentation about shit!?) that said that the symptoms of cerebral malaria are:

(1) impaired consciousness with non-specific fever; (2) generalized convulsions and neurological sequelae; and (3) coma that persists for 24-72 hours, initially rousable and then unrousable.

Seriously! I think I might have impaired consciousness with non-specific fever. I'm sleepy, I'm hot...and although I'm not sure exactly what it IS, but I'm almost positive I have a sequelae!!!

What the hell does that mean?!?!

Goodbye cruel world. But just for the record you should know that I'm going to be SERIOUSLY PISSED if I die in Khartoum and I'm all crabby and sleepy from these national days.

Make no mistake, the malaria may get me, but I'm gonna haunt your asses!!!

2009-10-05T18:00:00.000+03:00

So I'm sitting here in Khartoum, minding my own business (as naturally I would) when I am offered the first season of Mad Men on DVD to watch in my copious spare time. Now, granted, from looking at the front of the DVD box, it frankly didn't look that interesting. However, because I'm not a judger, I decided to try it out.

Obviously, I'm now pissed at my mother. CLEARLY, they had it sooo much better back in the day when women didn't have to work - when their hubbies wore suits and they sat around in their pjs (even answering the door) until just before their spouse came home - if they even came home at all.

MY GOD! Those were the good ole days. What the hell were you thinking MOTHER!? Now look what you've done!?!?! Now I have to try to con Josh into LETTING me stay home and not work. I have to give a REASON if I intend to stay in my pjs all day. (not really, but I sometimes feel like I should at least give a "Screw you! I can do what I want" speech...)

I'm also kinda pissed that we don't drink and smoke all day.

Seriously! Drinking and smoking are sooo cool! Why the hell did we ever stop?? I really feel like my work would be much more "enhanced" and "creative" if I could just start drinking martinis at 10 am. And, I kinda think it would reduce a lot of the stress in the workplace. I might even work overtime without bitching! (Probably not though, let's not push it!)

Plus, if you think about it, nothing really says "job well done" like a nice slap on the ass. It's like I always say, It's only sexual harassment if you're unattractive. Otherwise, it's just flirting.

People just don't care as much these days....It's a crying shame!

2009-10-04T05:24:00.000+03:00

My God! I truly hate, HATE, HATE National Day Events!! Right now, they're in in full swing here in Khartoum. Every other night I'm at some other location walking around a reception making small talk with people I never really want to talk to....it's nothing but men in dresses and juice, as far as the eye can see.

PLUS, those men in their dresses? They never want to talk to me - all giving me the stink-eye because, I can only assume, they think I have cooties. OR, more likely because they know I simply cannot resist asking about their dresses and then end up pointing out that their dress is not really flattering and that they kinda look like they just showed up in their jammies for this event. Not that I blame them, mind you. They might be onto something here. In fact, to save time, I may wear my jammies to the South Korean National Day tonight. I bet I could gets me an extra 30 minutes of valuable sleep time!

Maybe I shouldn't mock it until I try it!?!?!

However, as my next public service to foreigners who wear the jammies - or Jalabiyah's as is your formal name for it - I feel like I must point out to you that, when you stand outside in direct sunlight, your lightweight, shapless dress is SEE THROUGH!

WTF MAN!?!?!

I do NOT want to see that shit while I'm driving to work. I'm just sayin', you really should think about wearing a slip with that shit! I think you can find some pretty reasonable prices for slips at jcpenny.com Think about it.

Also, in keeping with my public service message theme this am, I feel like I should point out that NOBODY LIKES THAT JUICE! It's warm, it's thick, and it's sickly sweet. Also, grown men and women do not drink orange soda.

That's all I have for today. Once again, you are very welcome!!!!

2009-09-29T22:56:00.000+03:00

Okay, so tonight I went to the Chinese National Day here in Khartoum. I mean, I knew it was coming, I figured this would happen -- I chose shoes with lower heels -- BUT DAMNITT! I was (once again) a freakish giant.

WTF PEOPLE!? I'm 5'9" tall (Do your own math, I can't be trying to convert to the metric system -- I'm traumatized here!!!) It's not like I'm headed for the world record for tallness - In Montana I'm of average height - however, in DC, I'm effin tall -- But at Chinese National Day? I think I might have prompted the Chinese mission here to make a quick call to the Japanese Embassy to see if Mothra was on the loose! We're lucky Josh has not arrived yet...although he is not uber tall, once he gets here he will be the Godzilla to my Mothra. It's no wonder our relations with China are strained. They're all petite and adorable and I'm ....Let's just say, I'm NOT.

How humiliating is that?! Someone needs to send some damn whole milk to China!! I cannot continue to walk around town like this. I really hate to be referred to as that "big girl" over in the corner. (YES, I do realize I should not be in the corner but Damnitt, WTF?! Work with me here people!!!)

PLUS, (In keeping with the adding insult to injury theme of the evening ) there was press there (once again) and I live in fear that I am going to be on the Sudanese equivalent of "People" magazine and I"ll be the one they're claiming was the fashion don't with the big ole black box over their eyes - oh, we'll all know who it is. Isn't that MICHEL? OMG! That is soo hilarious (if you are not Michel)!!!

PLUS, the Embassy driver took me to the function tonight, and when getting out of the vehicle (onto the red carpet which SHOULD have been a cool thing) I ran my nylons on the running board. So then I had to walk up the red carpet and into the function with a big ole hole in my stockings.

Oh yes, you heard me. The person who represented the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA had runs in her nylons -- and they were NOT fashionably placed! U-effing-ganda is laughing at us right now!!! UGANDA PEOPLE!

That is NOT right...

I am so sorry you guys. the US of A is now a laughing stock in Khartoum. My stockings have derailed US policy. I don't even know what to do about this, other than what I did - which was yell "LIAR!" throw some business cards off to the side and run away.

What!? You got a better idea????

2009-09-28T20:29:00.000+03:00

Remember when I was all saying I was going to try really, really hard to be a better person?? How I was going to mind my mother and father and remember that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all?!

Well, Thanks a LOT mom and Dad! Now look what you've done!! NOW I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY!? So what the hell am I supposed to do now!?

Do you have any idea how very hard it has been for me to remain silent!? How very difficult it is for me not to throw out baseless accusations and digress into exaggerated hyperbole?? Frankly, I don't like this new and improved me -- it's not a good fit. It's UNPOSSIBLE for me to keep this up! If I do, I will simply end up a bitter, resentful, mute with a lotta opinions left unsaid.

That's not my way.

Therefore, I take back my vow of niceness -- my promise to be polite to others, kind to my fellow man, and not to make up shit for the sake of a story. My stories gotta be told! (Well, they gotta be told, but they're (frankly) boring if I tell them like they "really" happened. Nobody wants to hear that shit. Ergo, I will continue to make my stories "better.")

AS SUCH, heretofore, all my stories will begin with "No Shit! There I was...." I give fair warning that I will take credit for cool stuff other people do and write "by Michel" - usually in crayon - for anything worthy of notice. In fact, I should also demand that Little Debbie give me a kick back for all the new business I effing drummed up for that little whore. I believe it was me that started the Great Snack Cake Debate of 2008 where the merits of Little Debbie were held up to the more well known brands such as Hostess or Dolly Madison. (Or, maybe I just totally made that up, but it really would be a good topic for a debate. They should write that down for the next Presidential Campaign....) However, would it kill you to send me an effin thank you note Debbie (whom I'm not sure is likely that little anymore...her butt cannot remain unaffected by her tasty treats)??? I'm just sayin, One Might question your upbringing! A little kickback to the Little Debbie-less in Khartoum might go a long way toward your future of free advertising you two-bit ho.

SELFISH!

Obviously, it is clear that I might also have a future career in Politics. I seem to have all the required traits to be a successful one! Now, the only thing left to figure out is how I'm going to pull all this off without once again getting smoted. I suspect that the next time God decides to smote me, I will at least have had it coming!!

That seems fair.

2009-09-25T19:31:00.000+03:00

What in the hell am I supposed to do with this?!!?!

I distinctly recall pushing "ENGLISH" when you asked me what language I would like to write my blog in (although I do admit that I briefly considered Navajo Wind Talker until I realized you have to KNOW the language to write in that language (which I kinda think is discriminatory). As such, I request that you fix this shit right now!!! I cannot work under these conditions!

Why you gotta ruin my flavah?

PLUS, What the hell do you mean, I'm "currently not following any blogs!?!" Do you know how long it took me to find those blogs?? THEN, I had to push that follow button and THEN you even made me push another button before it let me do it. There is obviously no respect for all the work I have put into this blog! Why I would literally come home and start typing nonsense that 4s of people PER DAY love to read. Granted, those people are my parents, Liz, and Dan, but STILL !

Haven't I been a loyal customer for all these 224 blogs I have posted?? Why, when I think of all the money I have poured into this blog (a figure reaching upwards of zero dollars) it just makes me sick.

It's like somehow you found out that I was waaay too lazy to leave you and try to create a new blog. I'm not sure how you figured this out, but I have just one thing to say to you: FOR SHAME!

If I weren't so lazy I would write a very strongly worded letter to the better business bureau. Obviously, you are benefiting from a very lucky coincidence!!

Best wishes,
Michel

2009-09-24T20:18:00.001+03:00

I hate to say it, but the Sudanese are OBVIOUSLY smarter than we are!!! I don't know anyone back in the states who have trained their goats to do this:

I shit you not! That was taken on the bridge crossing the Blue Nile into Khartoum! (This is NOT photo-shopped - I don't even know how to do that - I kinda wish I did because I'd put my head on EVERYTHING and claim that I did amazing things like parting the Red Sea 2009-style!)

It's likely goat-abuse, but I think it is more likely Sudan's version of a shock and awe campaign -- because I had 'em both!!! Naturally, I almost killed myself, and likely caused an international incident while I tried to find my stupid camera, and then drive one-handed at approximately 2 mph (which is likely 76 km and hour -but math is hard! we'll obviously never know...) while I tried to focus the stupid thing - and it's a tad bit blurry - however, it's pure photographic GENIUS!

I should also note that I almost killed myself yet again (in a totally separate side of town, away from the first international incident) this afternoon when I was driving home. So you know how I told you guys all about the rainy season, right?? Well...what I have not mentioned previously (because it is frankly too horrific to talk about) is that the rainy season created a ginormous bug migration to Khartoum -- or maybe more bugs hatched -- I don't know, all I know is this place is one big effin' BUG FARM! There are so many mosquitoes (or malaria-mongers, as I like to call them) that the Sudanese government is starting to dust Khartoum with pesticide -- which I'm sure is environmentally safe, as well as safe for me to be misted with the stuff! ANYWAY, my point is - there are a hell of a lotta bugs.

So, I'm driving along, minding my own business, singing Brittney Spears at the top of my lungs when I feel something drop from the top of my head down my shirt!!! Then, I feel it crawling - so I did what any sane, mature person would do - I totally freaked out and start ripping my shirt off to get the monster out of my shirt. What I forgot, as it turns out, was that I was STILL DRIVING. Nobody panic though - I got the bug - and it turned out it was NOT (as I had feared) a scorpion. (It was a tiny little beetle bug. BUT it was hugely SCARY!!)

Anyway, let's just suffice it to say that today, I'm sure there were a few calls to the Sudanese police to report a crazy diplomatic plated vehicle. Therefore, I'm considering requesting a new car ...

I think it's for the best.

Wants Kids:

Kids at Home:

2009-09-23T20:20:00.000+03:00

So the last few weeks were relatively cool...I think one day it was even in the low 90s at night. You could walk around outside and not feel like you were going to die, and in my book (the current one, not the book I had in DC) that's some kind of wonderful!!

The sad, sad part of this story is that apparently that was Sudan's winter. Today it was back up to 42 degrees celsius - and although I still have not managed to figure out what that means to us Americans with our Farenheit (the clearly superior way to measure temperature because I can understand what it means without having to go outside and go, WTF!?) - that's Effin HOT! Although at first you walk out and you're all, ooh, that's so nice! (because you were in the AC where some boy had control of the settings and figured that 52 was a good temperature for a conference room) but then within approximately 17 seconds you realize that you can look at your arm and see it turning the color of mahogany and the texture of luggage and you realize that perhaps you spoke too soon. Perhaps.

So apparently, winter packed up its bags and said "Screw you guys, I'm going home" to Sudan and I totally didn't take the time to treasure the moment or to get out and enjoy the holiday season. I realize - now that it is over - that I spent my whole Ramadan and 'Id holiday totally focused on how I couldn't get any food - even though we actually HAVE food in our houses and if I would just plan ahead I could get food -- but then once again my food obsession has RUINED EVERYTHING for me!!!

PLUS, I have also noticed that in my quest to find food - I was waaaaay successful. My pants are tight and apparently my ribcage is expanding and my arms are growing longer. Now normally, I would start my rambling excuses that Sudan is shrinking my shit and that they're totally trying to bring me down; however, I feel that I must admit the truth this time: I totally found food! (Check out that last sentence with the punctuation abomination! Oh yeah, I totally did that. I don't even care. What now smarties?) As such, I must now hide food from me and not just pretend to exercise, I might actually have to do it.

*GASP* I KNOW! That is SOOO not right!

Now normally, this confluence of weather and potential weight gain would likely send me into a tail spin of self-pity, however, this time is different. Why, you ask??

BECAUSE..... this time I have a blackberry and I no longer have to be humiliated when my phone rings and I answer my Nokia that came free with the cell phone plan while the 'fugees who live in the tent withe plastic tarp roof they just rolled up after the rainy season ended, check their email on their iPhones and then look at me with pity and shake their heads as I type each number 3 times in order to get the next letter (FORGET about the effin punctuation!) for my text message.

SO MY POINT IS (and I think I might have one) Blackberry's make everything better. And please...refrain from pointing out who much cooler the iPhone is - I KNOW this! However, I'm handicapped because my husband refuses to become a plastic surgeon and support my iPhone habit!

GREAT! Now I'm all depressed again! Shit!